Saturday, February 23, 2013
Today I got to 150 pounds, just 10 pounds away from what I chose as a tentative goal some 15 months ago. It's exciting, of course, but I find I'm also more than a little bit unsettled. Too many times, I've lost a significant amount of weight; but I've never maintained within 2 pounds of that weight for even 6 months. Probably 2-3 months was pretty typical. I know I will need to join the groups for transitioning to goal and maintenance, but I'm really concerned about doing it too soon - or too late.
I never had a weight problem until I was 18. Yup, college, but not the typical freshman 15. I'd graduated from high school at 117 pounds. That's not even on my radar, of course. But I got salmonella food poisoning quite early in my freshman year, and I was very ill. I lost weight, 10 pounds in eight days. Unbelievably, I had a terrible time regaining that weight; it took some 8-9 months.
Then I was pregnant during my sophomore year. Boy, did I gain then! And then I lost that baby, and that's when the emotional eating began. I weighed some 140 pounds, and gained about 45 during pregnancy with Tobias. Then I joined WW between the boys and reached my goal of 120. Guess what? I quickly gained back to around 135 and held that until I was carrying David. I "only" gained 40 pounds with David, but there I was - back to 175.
I went back to WW, since I had achieved lifetime membership. I think I "tried" WW tow or three times 1976-80 but hardly got back to 140. Then I discovered NutriSystem and got to 128 toward the end of nursing school. Again, I gained right back to that 140-150 range. So I went back to WW at least 3 more times, unsuccessfully until 1994. At that point I had 130 as my original goal but changed my mind when I got to 135. And that's where I did the best on maintenance, making it almost six months before hitting 140 again.
Then I kept gaining, and I hit my highest weight of 196 in 1997. That was a wake-up call, because I was simply NOT going to allow myself to hit 200. And I didn't; managed to stay 185-190.
In 2002, I found another new weight loss program, Prism. Again, I got down to about 140 but didn't maintain.
So with that kind of yo-yo history, I feel like I'll NEVER figure out my "happy weight." Note, of course, that I'm talking about feelings here, not thoughts or plans. I know I'll figure it out somehow, some way. But right now, I'm struggling with "magical thinking." I want some kind of blueprint, a map, a plan! I want to KNOW when to think in term of transitioning. Yes, it's unrealistic, but it's what I WANT!
That said, I plan to hang in there for the duration. I don't know when or how I'll be able to set what I hope is a permanent goal weight. But I've come this far, and I'm not giving up or turning back!