Saturday, February 23, 2013
yesterday, I was perusing the Spokane public market, and this hippie lady asked if I wanted a free one card tarrot reading. I said sure ( free was the key word). I pulled the magic prayer card and she proceeded to tell me that not all prayers work, that you have to empty yourself of all your demons, give freely of yourself and then the prayers would be answered. Then, later that night, when I was having a bad episode, I stumbled on my prayers, and thought, is there truth here, do I not give freely of myself, am I holding something back, which prevents me from healing? It brought me back to a episode last year, when I went for healing at church, and then later, wouldn't go up again, out of fear and embarrassment. Maybe I am holding something back. I know I want to be healthy. When I have a bad manic night, my muscles cramp and ache and I feel like I am going to explode if I don't move or twitch. I usually move to the kitchen. My unhealthy habit is to think that food would solve this, so I eat something. Then I think, If I could just sleep, so I try sleep medication. Last night this found me stoned, bloated and full and still twitching... I tried to regulate my breathing, and then I started to panic that I couldn't breathe right. I tired the recite the lords's prayer, and the rosary, but keep getting interrupted by the twitching sensation. Finally, the sleep meds kicked in and I was able to sleep. I hate being bi-polar, with manic episodes. I have being diabetic, because high blood sugar can cause the same cramping sensation. I hate having raging PMS, which can cause the eating behavior which leads to the cramping high blood sugar, manic feeling. It's all rolled into a big complicated mess that is me. What to do tonight, so that the manic feeling doesn't start? Not eat. Check blood sugar. Not take sleep meds, stay up and watch tv or play the WII but do something so that the twitching behavior doesn't start. Decrease the med that might be causing the twitching behavior. and track this all so I have good information for my next medication appointment.