Saturday, February 23, 2013
While I am turning a new chapter in my life trying to be the girl I deserve to be and be happy, I feel like im in a foreign land. i always settled for making everyone else happy.
I've never allowed myself to be truly happy, ive always just accepted the *leftovers*
It feels strange. It feels wrong, it feels like im a terrorist and in a war and just waiting for someone (life) to shoot me down again.
I've let lifes pain tear me down slowly over the years making me feel unworthy or anything really. i settled because i figured its what i deserved because in my mind if my parents couldnt be good to me, who else should be? if my parents couldnt love me the right way then how could i love me? if my mom would stay with a man who abused me over having me back how could i forgive her? how could i love someone that did nothing but hurt me for all but the last 5 years of her life? how could i forgive someone who molested me and love them and welcome them in my life, surely i thought something must be wrong with me to still love my parents and want them to love me back and want them in my life...right? WRONG WOW was i ever wrong. i take the few good years i had with my mom over all the bad. my dad was a complete jerk all my life even up until the day my mom died, even after my mom died, even until this when he FINALLY said he was sorry for what he did when i was a child....yeah..im a broken person....we are all broken in our own ways.
most of us wont admit it tho.
most of us wont admit that we have done bad things because we felt we got a get out of jail free card, right?
well i did, ive hurt people, ive stole, ive pretended to be others i wasnt. ive been a crappy person because i was hurting and didnt know how to heal and didnt think i was worthy of anything but pain, but that was all in the past. im not ashamed of what i did because i was younger and i cant change the past.
i am ashamed however that i wasted years of my life being angry at my parents blaming them for sins when i was just as much of a sinner.
In gods eyes a sin is a sin, and i was to focused on my hurts to see that my parents were only human and i was so young and had no one and that is how i dealt with my hurt.
God knows that I am weak and empty and am nothing without him and he knows im on ground zero with my life and my emotions and i believe that he is working great things for me and for my life.
i also believe that the things in the past that destroyed me were sent to build me into the strong wonderful person i am now. without them i couldn't be a vessel. i couldn't be so strong.
God and my grandma are all I have had... in the past I would have sat there and cried and said well that's not enough for me. I would have went out of my way half pretending to be someone i wasn't to get the attention of a guy to make them fall in love with me long enough for me to try and control them because that is what hurt people do, they want to control everything because they have no control over anything. wanting to fill that emptiness when i knew they would never fill it with their love. only i could mend me.
Anyhow here I am....Emptied it all out to God... feeling weird being myself and open and naked with him. I've always been naked to God, he has always seen me the good the bad but i was to ignorant to see that.
I feel my heart is healing of the past. I feel that great things are ahead for me in life and I feel beautiful inside and out for probably the first time in my life I have the confidence to do things i never would have dreamed of deserving.
I feel God is giving me the life that i always deserved but I never allowed myself to beleive that i was worthy.
I feel like God will give me great things and that i have a greater purpose in my life and most importantly for the first time in over 15 years i feel loved and not just someone overlooked for something better and i cry even as i write this because its a very emotional ride to let it all go to God.
But Im so glad that I have that chance to heal.
Thank you God for giving me healing in my heart. I realize that this healing is a work in progress because it has taken years and years to put it there but i know now that its okay to trust you and its okay to fall because i know you will catch me.
im ready for life a real life of being me, being whole, being happy. one day at a time things get better. thank you god for making me so strong and beautiful inside and out.
im glad that you gave me every trial i have faced its made me strong for you.
thank you thank you thank you
thank you God for finally making me see that I am more than the hurt abused girl who used the pain from my past as an excuse to hide away and keep myself from the future.
No longer will i let what others have done to me control what i think of myself.
thank god for opening my eyes finally and seeing the only person effected was me, my abuser still goes on happily, im the one who poisoned myself for his crime.
time to bend those bars away and love me like god loves me.
being broken stinks but at least i know i can be whole in other ways.
im not going into this now ive vented on it in the past and i dont care to uproot old wounds.
With God i can forgive all. I can be happy. I can have peace with my moms death. I can move on with everything I hope I can finally be free to soar??