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    BLUEROSE73   116,623
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Today - feeling a bit better

Friday, February 22, 2013

There are a couple of reasons I'm feeling better.

Yesterday, the issue I've had at work for 7 weeks now, was solved. I got mad yesterday, and emailed the HR rep, and told her I was beyond frustrated with this whole situation, and the fact that I was supposed to get an answer last friday and still had heard nothing. I was on the verge of telling her I was quitting over it.

Anyhow, a couple hours later, my bosses boss called. He told me to start charging the extra hour for commuting time, and how to put in for retro pay for the past weeks that I wasn't provided with it.

Surprise surprise, a few minutes later, my boss had a "headache" and was sending an email with regards to ... I can't recall his exact words, but it came across as if he had complaints about my work and attitude. At this point, I don't really care. I am just hoping they see it as his retaliation because I wouldn't take his NO for a final answer and I went over his head.

However, it is an oilfield job. It's very "who you know or who you bl...". I don't do either. So now I'm going to do my best to keep my head down, do my job, and stay clear of the drama that is trying to be built.

Needless to say, I am glad this is finally resolved. I felt very frustrated and taken advantage of for the past few weeks. It was just pissing me off honestly.

Today is the funeral. I decided I am not going. It's a 2 1/2 hour drive each way. There is still so much stress from my brothers funeral last fall. This one is at the same place. I just am not strong enough to drive each way, and attend a funeral. It's so tragic.

In a round about way, and through step family issues, the death was my nephew. He ended his life last Friday. I do not know details, and will not ask. But it's a safe assumption that the issues he was having with his girlfriend last fall got much worse. And at the end of his valentines day, he felt this was the only way to stop his pain. So tragic.

Anyhow, once I made the decision, I felt so much better. I was stressed about driving on the winter roads. Then mom sent me a message yesterday. She wanted me to taxi people all over the place. All I had in me was to drive in, attend the funeral, and come home. That's it. These extra demands and expectations, I just could not deal with. I don't want to see her.

In case you don't know, my mother crossed a line with me after my brothers funeral. I walked away. Not subtly. Just said I was done. She had to do what she felt she needed to do, and I had to do what I needed to do for me. If you are going to disrespect me so blatantly with regards to my brother, then I'm out. These people who treat her like crap were more "important" than actual family. You can have them. I'm gone.

I can't believe it. I'm 40 years old, and STILL letting my mother reject me in favor of other people. Why do I keep opening up to her? Seriously?

Anyhow, time to leave that behind me for now. I've booked an appointment with a therapist to start to work through these issues, and the other ones I haven't even said out loud yet. It may seem odd to you, but I honestly thing I've got some survivors guilt with regards to my brothers passing. Maybe not exactly survivors guilt, but it sure feels like that.

Anyhow, since there's nothing else I can do about all of that for now, I'm putting it away for a while.

I'm trying to get my act together today and clean. I never clean. Hubby has never said anything about it, but it bothers me. I'm just not a housekeeper. Hubby's a neat freak. He doesn't get mad at me for it. He just does his thing.

I've been so sick now for the last 3 months. I have finally realized how sick over the last two months. That's what sent me out looking for a therapist. I think I've found someone. ...

Sorry, I've gone off on a tangent.

Anyhow, I'm feeling a little better today. I think I'll turn up the music and get to the housework. I know I'll feel so much better if I get moving. And having a cleaner, less cluttered house will go a long LONG way to helping me relax.

Later today I need to sit down and blog more. I need to get a plan in order. Tomorrow the 5% challenge starts. I weighed in today. The goals for this week - move more (up to 120 minutes a day), and drink water (up to 10 cups a day)

It's a timed challenge - I don't honestly remember when it ends. End of April??? Anyhow, right now that doesn't matter. What does is doing everything I can to help our team land in Moscow first. lol

So I guess I'll say see you all later. I'll be back online in a bit to write down my SMART goals for this next week, and find the motivation to reach them.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOLABLACK69 2/26/2013 6:33AM

    Wow, no wonder you feel sick with all this going on in your life... emoticon

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FIT4MEIN2013 2/22/2013 10:43PM

    emoticon What a rough time! Please, accept my sympathy.

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PINKNFITCARLA 2/22/2013 8:08PM

    I'm so glad your work issue got resolved! I know it's hard to decide to not go to a funeral, but you have to do what you have to do. I can so totally understand the need to stay away and not stress yourself like that. That is a tragic, sad was to go and unfortunately a lot of people go that way. Enjoy your weekend and get some rest. emoticon

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MTNGRL 2/22/2013 7:36PM

    First off Hugs. You are dealing with so much. I find sometimes putting in all down on paper helps me see where I am going. Choosing to see a therapist or even a life coach is so smart. I know you will find the right person to help you come through to better days. And you will have them.
Bravo for standing up at work. You deserve to be paid not taken advantage of.

Best wishes on your new challenge!!

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JUSTME29 2/22/2013 6:51PM

    It;s an eight week challenge - so starting this Saturday and going out 8 weeks. I don't know where that takes us on the calendar either.

I'm glad your decision to not attend the funeral relieved so much pressure on you. That means it was the right decision - so down the road when you start second guessing yourself ... don't.

I hope your therapist works out and you're able to heal.

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JLDACQ 2/22/2013 5:30PM

    *hugs* This isn't easy, I know. I'm glad to hear you decided to find a therapist to help you... it's one of those things I haven't done yet, and I know I should soon, since I'm already seeing self-destructive behaviour in myself. Survivor's guilt? I didn't think I would feel it either, but there are days I do too, I empathize with you.

And remember to keep leaning on your friends, including the Sparky ones.

*hugs*

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POLITIGAL75 2/22/2013 4:23PM

    I kind of understand how you feel about survivors guilt with the loss of your brother. My younger passed away unexpectedly and I have had some similar feelings. I've already lost my father, so now it's just me and my mom and it's so much weirder. I am sorry the whole thing with your mom has made things worse for you, but I hope your husband has been a good support for you.

I'm an open ear if you need to chat, sometimes knowing someone else is/has similar feelings makes you feel a little less alone and in my case, feel a little less guilty.

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BRIDGIEEE 2/22/2013 11:53AM

    That's great that your work issues got resolved, I know how stressful that kind of thing can be. I'm sorry for your loss. emoticon .

Hope you have a good weekend and a good start to the challenge!

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