I always have these little, well, I'll call them 'fuzzy thoughts' when I think about where I am going this time around. I know I am doing well and plan for the motivation to continue.
I have a great memory and have vivid dreams about my past and where I want to be. I also, however have many fears in my fuzzy thoughts that creep up and keep me thinking a lot. These thoughts are mostly concerns about the future state of my body. I have destination constipation - an unclear path to my goal.
All these "things" that I have like chronic back pain, weird skin things and dryness that I never had (maybe from too much crap, etc.), and foot tenderness after a long walk are concerning me in these fuzzy thoughts. I think "OK, I am going to try my hardest to do my best and get to my HS weight or at least something appropriate and healthy for my physique 30 years later. What happens though (and this is where those fuzzy thoughts keep coming in - and it IS SOOOOOO annoying) , is that I think and talk to myself about when I reach my goal physique what happens if I STILL have those aches, pains and perhaps additional ones? I think that aging is getting to me. I feel guilty about waiting all these years to do this, my son is 16 - had limited activity with me due to my weight (no football, etc.), my family has been on me to do this for as long as I remember and I have let them down.
In my fuzzy thoughts, I am already talking myself AWAY from my goal by injecting negativity into my plan - indirectly, but nonetheless, a distraction to me and my plan. I am still on the wagon and intend to stay on; that is the good news. The bad news is I can't seem to squash these negative thoughts or at least negotiate some reality with myself - all or nothing with me.
WHAT IF I HAVE PERMANENT 'DAMAGE' - CAN I LIVE WITH THAT?
Then I go on to think about all the things that I CANNOT do now and present my plan with all the 'what if' scenarios. I know I am a drama king and worry, but I don't know how to change this permanently or at least for the majority of the time - sometimes it's good and other days, I get terrified that all my work (albeit awesome!) still did not reverse my issues.
I already know that I'll get blasted by SP friends about this; but it's OK since identification and admission is the first step to understanding mental concerns. Does any of this make sense?! AH!!!!!!!!
AT 200 WHAT IF:
1. I can't comfortably get on my knees?
2. I can't pick up things from the floor or ground without asking for assistance?
3 My knees are damaged and still have pain and limitations doing simple tasks?
4. What if I still can't get off the chair or couch without leaning for support or asking for help?
5. I still can't breathe with ease while sleeping - did I permanently damage my heart/lungs?
6. I still can't tie shoes like a normal person?
7. I am not consistently happy?
8. Cannot jog or partake in running as I used to do and love?
In my heart, I know all will be well (writing helps me realize this), but at night and particularly when I exercise and experience my limitations, those negative thoughts and concerns rule my workout and sometimes get me down. Maybe in time, I will see the light...
I hope so.