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    STARDUST2K4   44,842
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New outlook, new goals, new struggles.

Friday, February 22, 2013

I feel really good today. I have managed to eat within calorie range today being the fourth day in a row. It's a small start, but it's a start. I was writing an exam today, and normally when I procrastinate, I find something to eat. That actually didn't happen today! I had a cup of tea, sat my butt down in the chair, and just did my assignment. I'm not as stressed out for some reason. Maybe it's because tomorrow is Friday, and I don't have a ton of homework for this weekend. I hope that I can maintain this in the future.
Another thing that I've really been working on is mindful eating. Not just really paying attention to my body while I'm eating, but after I'm done eating too. I usually assume I'm hungry just because "it's dinner time" or whatever, but I am finding if I REALLY think about it-and this actually takes work, and patience, I'm actually NOT hungry. So far in these last couple of days, I have ended up drinking water. I've also been thinking more about how close I am to my 100th pound lost. I think I truly am over that weird slump I was having issues with before.
I will say though, It is that TOM, and in spite of that, I didn't go overboard on the chocolate. I had some cookies, and 2 TBSP of chocolate chips-not all at once, and eaten SLOWLY. Not bad! normally, I'd insist on scarfing down an entire candy bar, along with cookies, or something else. I really am proud of myself. I've been trying to plan my meals out more too. Tomorrow morning will be oatmeal with peanut butter for protein, and lunch will probably be beans and rice (been craving that lately, just need to buy some cheese), and for dinner...I might just eat some disgusting ravioli from a can (I say disgusting because i know it's bad for me...to be honest, I LOVE how it tastes, and if I can fit it into my calories, then sure, once in a while, fine). There! Just like that, meals planned. I've been snacking on half servings of 'honey buzzers'. It's a sweet delicious cereal that I just absolutely love. I've also been eating dried apricots and cherries. so yummy!
I really am trying to detach my emotions from the food I consume. It's hard work, and I definitely wouldn't say I'm "cured", but if I can do this for 4 days, I can do this longer. I have a goal streak of 40 days. It wasn't intentional, but I realized after I set the goal that lent is also 40 days. The 40 days of lent don't coincide with m 40 day goal streak, but it will be pretty cool if I last that long considering growing up, I was never able to give up ANYTHING for 40 days. I always tried. It was either chocolate, or ice cream, or candy, but it never happened. I am going to make sure that this happens. Even if it means blogging on here every day in reflection. I figure if I just really think about what I want more-that extra chocolate, or the satisfaction of knowing I stayed within range, then I can remain successful. It's now in the forefront of my mind unlike a couple weeks ago.

Last weekend I went shopping with my sisters and my mom. I had a lot of fun. I actually bought a really cute yellow dress (I called it the chicken dress because when i was little, my mom made me a dress that had white underneath it with yellow lace on top for Easter, and my sister called it the "chicken dress". lol) and I bought some leggings, and two pairs of cute shoes! That really made me happy, though with the weather, I haven't been able to actually wear it yet!

I'm overall, feeling pretty good. Adam's been having panic attacks, but he got a prescription for it, so hopefully it'll help. His panic attacks would keep him up all hours of the night, and then he'd sleep all day. It kind of put a stress on our relationship especially because I don't know how to help him, and I feel awful because he'd just be standing there shaking, and worried that he was going to throw up (he has emetophobia-intense fear of throwing up!). He's lost a lot of weight because he hasn't been eating-his thinking is he can't throw up if he doesn't eat. He is constantly worried that he has Norovirus. He's also going to seek counseling, so that will help with the anxiety surrounding it too. There was a stretch of 48 hours where he didn't eat a single thing, and when he did, he felt nauseous, and that set off yet another panic attack. I feel just awful because I told him I couldn't handle it. The reality is I would never leave him over it. I love him WAAAY too much. He's been SO supportive of me, and my weight loss BS that I'd be a total B if I left him over something like that. He'd have to do a LOT worse to make me leave (I'm talking like gambling away all of our money, or cheating on me, or something like that!) I do admit that I get a little lonely...there's not a lot to do in this town, and at least when our sleep schedules were in synch, we could talk and hang out during the day, but now we're not even sleeping at the same times....it's like we're sleeping in shifts. We've been taking turns sleeping on the couch because even though we're not sleeping together, we can at least be in the same room together. There's something comforting about that.

Anyway...tomorrow is Friday. He did finally come around to buying some sleeping supplements, so maybe we can reset our sleep schedule together this weekend.

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CELEST 2/22/2013 10:29AM

    Well done on your 4 days of great choices. I used to say congrats but that sounds like a gift you received without any hard work. Making good choices and sticking to them is word....so well done. Keep it up and soon it will be 4 months, not 4 days of great choices.

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