Thursday, February 21, 2013
Over two years ago, I sat down on my bed, nearly in tears, telling my husband I had to seek help. I was suffering from severe anxiety. He hugged me and told me he loved me, and then handed me the phone and the phone book. He sat down on the bed, and held me, while I stumbled through looking for a doctor and stammering through calls, having a panic attack because it was someone I did not know.
I've been medicated and seeing a professional for over two years, with my anxiety. Will I say it's fixed? No, but it's a whole lot better. What does this have to do with my weight? Quite a bit actually. As not being fit enough to possibly have to defend myself in one of those worse case scenarios in my head, sent me into panic. Could I run after someone who snatched my son? Probably not, I'd be out of breath, trying to scream for help. And that, terrified me. Also it prevented me from joining a gym, because at that point, I barely left my house, ever. I couldn't go to the grocery store, without panic attacks.
So my son is now in school, and I've been working through that anxiety.
And then came the day, I honestly never thought I'd be brave enough to endure.
My husband and I were driving somewhere in the car, and he's like "So, I don't know how to bring this up, without you thinking I don't think you're beautiful." And instead of beating around the bush, I turned to look at him "This is about my weight isn't it?" The look of alarm on my husbands face, was noticeable. But the confusion was there as well, I had said it in a civil, nice tone. And before he could continue I began my monologue. "I'm actually glad you brought this up, I want to do something about my health. It's not the weight I'm worried about, it's my health. I can't keep up with our son, I can't even walk up the stairs without feeling winded. I'm unhealthy, out of shape, and fat." The one word each husband dreads to hear: FAT.
His mouth pursed for a moment, and he followed with 'So you know I talk to the guys at work, and well, one of their moms goes to Curves. Do you want me to talk to him to get his mom to contact you?"
And all of my mind screamed at me to say no. This was someone I didn't know. But out of my mouth came the words, "Yes, that'd be great!"
So the next day, I received a message on Facebook, asking for my phone number, and if it was alright to contact me. I said it was.
A few hours later, as I'm watching something on tv, the phone rings. My Caller ID comes up on the tv "Curves". Moment of panic, and the debate whether to answer the phone. But my feet are moving on their own, my hands are reaching out for the phone, and before I know it, I'm saying Hello. After a brief conversation, I've agreed to come in to at least talk to the owner about joining.
That night I told my husband, and he hugged me, and kissed me and told me how proud he was for me taking my first step.