Thursday, February 21, 2013
I've been mindlessly eating for months, now--as evidenced by my gain of 70 pounds. I know it's not healthy; I know I felt better in "the old me" (of ~130 pounds and healthy lifestyle); I know I did this once, and I can do it again....
Yep, I gave up a part of myself while I was hospitalized from "psychotic episodes" due to schizoaffective disorder. It's no delusion (pun intended) that I'm not who I had cultivated out of that last 70 pounds a few years ago; I'm a different person, and I have to start from here. I can't get back to what I was--I have to begin at the new starting line to find an even better me.
Even my delusions pivoted around food: eg. I ate very little-nothing because I was under the delusion that I was dead and didn't need food (hehe...on a brighter side, I left a bowl of food outside a friend's door because I thought she was a hungry ghost); as well as one or two other delusions that would just be superfluous here. So--it seems that I still have issues with food. Hopefully I can tackle them successfully this time around; hopefully I won't be afraid of getting fat anymore (after all, I've been there...twice).
My delusions not only pivoted, but were centered in my spirituality and religion (hungry ghosts, and all; though I'm not sure where that came from lol). So I know--and I really didn't need any delusions to tell me--that the fear of chastisment and judgment from my parents hangs out there, like a shadow...looming. I don't know what to do about that, except to get into a more spiritually nurturing environment; and I can't do that now--I don't have a job. I don't have any means to move out...HA--not only that--my parents don't even want me or my brother going out of state. "Family matters more than anything." What about the 'family' we find throughout life outside of our initial family? I think that's more important; with those people, I can grow and share myself openly. I'm sorry to say it, but with my parents, I'm subdued. Utterly. With my parents, I'm in a vicious cycle of can't / settles for less / hopelessness / can't / etc., which isn't healthy for anybody, no matter how much they love me in their way. Lessons are learned by moving forward, by setting a goal and taking a step--not by being stagnant, and allowing the currents to wash over you, drowning you!
So, when does it stop? I know it stops when I say it stops....