i feel so helpless and overwhelmed. i feel like i can't suceed, i have no motivation and i'm never going to lose weight. i feel as though i have no self-control. i want to eat and eat and eat. when i did i lose self-control? i used to have great self-control. i went a year without soda, a year without fast food. i've given up various things for months, weeks, etc. my big issue right now is sugar. i am way too addicted to sugar in all its forms and can't seem to control myself. so i gave up sugar for lent. i made it one day. granted, day two was valentines day. but i couldn't stop eating those dang candy hearts. i am pretty sure i said something to myself like, you can have 2. i had more like 22. or more. *sigh*.

i don't know where this loss of control is coming from. but i need to get past it. i know coming here will help and it's been far too long. i know i need to spend more time here and i know i can find the motivation and support i need here. i just need to come up with a plan and stick to it. first, i'll make a list of goals to work on.

1. cut out sugar
2. stop drinking soda
3. stop drinking alcohol
4. tell dh about goals and concerns
5. plan meals and snacks better
6. figure out a plan to workout
7. spark daily
8. declutter house
9. get out of debt
10. eat whole foods

i thought a list of 10 would be a good place to start. some are pretty easy and straightforward, others will take a lot of work. like #6. that's gonna be a 4am goal, 4:30 is unbearable some days. others are linked together, like 1-3 that's all sugar in one form or another. one is just easier to conquer than another.

i know talking to dh will help. i'll be accountable, but he may not be as willing to help as i'd like. i know he'll be supportive, but when it comes to him having to say, no, don't eat/buy/drink that candy bar, etc. it'll be tough for him. and i certainly don't want to blame him for my lack of willpower if he doesn't say no and i end up eating something.

just writing this has made me feel better. i love this place and have missed you all the last few months. i hope i'm able to commit and get things rolling forward.