I am struggling every day. I have found that I break down and cry all the time again and I can feel myself slowly slipping back down into a depression. I have to go to a cheap clinic due to health insurance and they suck there. I have had to be on anti depressants once before long ago and they helped to get me out of my depression and functioning again. The last time I brought it up to my health care professional and I use that term loosely, she told me I just need to get happy. I'm sitting in her office telling her that I can barely get myself to leave the house and I'm crying as I explain that I can't quit crying. She just repeated that I needed to get happy. I pulled myself out of that depression through exercise and friends. Now however I am back to crying again. I am still going to the gym but not like I was.

I think since I lost all the progress I had worked so hard to make that it is really messing with my head. I keep trying to tell myself that it just takes work but it is hard just getting from my car to the dressing room. I read all the great comments from my last blog and just that made me cry. I so appreciate that you all take the time to comment. It always brightens my day. I live in Grays Harbor Washington so we don't get a lot of sun. The vitamin D is something I am going to look into. I don't think it conflicts with any of my other meds but will check with my doctor just in case.

I journal here. For the most part this is where I share all of my thoughts about everything. I also use Facebook but I try to keep it light and not so personal there. It does help. The best part of journaling here that I wouldn't get elsewhere is the feedback I get from all of you. It is heart warming and I can go to your pages and check on you too.

It seems that every time I try to get into shape my body goes into shock or something and I end up in the hospital. On Tuesday my blood pressure shot through the roof. It was 201/121 which is scary high. Still working on bringing it down but it is much better than it was. I have been going easy at the Y just walking slowly and paying attention to my body. No hot tub when I am done...Poop! I am trying to stay positive and keeping up with my friends and social engagements so as not to get to the point where I don't want to leave the house again. I am doing my best to keep moving and in that hope to once again find the motivation. If I can make it through this I can make it through the next time this happens. I am doing my best not to stop. I can succeed as long as I keep trying and don't give up.