This week and next is always the hardest on me my days are filled with memories leading up to Amanda
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Two things happened today my only niece was born today she's 7. Amanda got her pictures taken at picture people two days before her death. I have never walked into a picture people again since her death. Part of me thinks that if I take the kids that I have alive now there to get pics done they'll die later that week. She was supposed to have a doctor apt the morning that she died in our house. She had 8 cysts in her brain before she left NICU but the docs refused to put a shunt in partly because we only had Medicare and partly because they were hoping it would resolve itself in 6 months. Saturday is my nieces birthday party which well go to bit I can never get close to my only niece idk what it is a week after Amanda died we buried her. I know I should be thankful for the children I have alive but everyday I relive those moments wondering if there is something more that I could have done. Holding my dead child was the hardest thing I have ever done. The abuse as a child doesn't even compare to the loss of a child. So many people showed up to her wake for that I am thankful.
I know she's a child of God and that I will see her again in heaven one day but I wish with all my heart she could've stayed with me a bit longer we had a bond that I never have felt that close to my other two
I miss her so so much it rips me in half sometimes
Rant over now