Thursday, February 21, 2013
Two things happened today my only niece was born today she's 7. Amanda got her pictures taken at picture people two days before her death. I have never walked into a picture people again since her death. Part of me thinks that if I take the kids that I have alive now there to get pics done they'll die later that week. She was supposed to have a doctor apt the morning that she died in our house. She had 8 cysts in her brain before she left NICU but the docs refused to put a shunt in partly because we only had Medicare and partly because they were hoping it would resolve itself in 6 months. Saturday is my nieces birthday party which well go to bit I can never get close to my only niece idk what it is a week after Amanda died we buried her. I know I should be thankful for the children I have alive but everyday I relive those moments wondering if there is something more that I could have done. Holding my dead child was the hardest thing I have ever done. The abuse as a child doesn't even compare to the loss of a child. So many people showed up to her wake for that I am thankful.
I know she's a child of God and that I will see her again in heaven one day but I wish with all my heart she could've stayed with me a bit longer we had a bond that I never have felt that close to my other two
I miss her so so much it rips me in half sometimes
Rant over now