Thursday, February 21, 2013
I've gotten down to this current weight before, usually without the stomach fat, but.... hey-ho, the joys of getting older. Sorry, where was I, oh yes - gotten down to this weight before: three times. I've rarely gone under and never for very long.
I want that to change. I want to be healthier, I want to be confident, and although on balance I feel pretty good about myself at the moment, it has more to do with how proud I am of myself for working hard than how pleased I am with my body.
So why am I sabotaging myself? For every success since New Year something will happen that makes me take a step back. At times I've been de-motivated, I've given into temptation at social occasions and over the past few days I've turned into a black hole. I'm going nowhere fast. The bad days don't last long, and I bounce back - that's good. But there's some sort of barrier that I'm not busting through.
I know that the weight is an excuse to tap into darker emotions; if I'm fat I've got a reason to be frustrated with myself rather than taking a look at other areas of life that perhaps are seemingly out of my control. I know I've used food and weight gain as a demonstrative way of being depressed. "Look, I am sad and it is real because no one in their right mind would chose to eat the way I do". I can work on both of those things, but those changes won't happen overnight.
What do I need to do to get things moving again now? Step back and be less hard? Chill out and accept that things take time? Or sweat the dye out of my hair via exercise? So far my answer has been the latter, sweat it out, push through it, reward consistency. And yet after a few weeks I've found myself scoffing down ice cream like it's going out of fashion, not once but twice!
I can try and come up with positive rationalisations: everything I've indulged on has been in some way fatty, I don't get a lot of fat in my diet, not because I'm afraid of it (I love olive oil) but just because of the nature of things I eat. Maybe these indulgences have been my body's way of telling me that it's needed more fuel, specifically fat. That is possible.
At risk of going on and on and on, and over-thinking, I think it's more than that though. I think it is self-sabotage. If I break through this I'll be in new territory and at some level that's scary stuff. But come on Wench, is it more frightening than being miserable, unhealthy and unfit? No! not by a long shot.
So, deep breath, stop beating yourself up. Tonight is a new class (body attack), but before then I'm going to start embracing the new via a really good spring clean. Clear out the dust, the detritus, and the bats out of the attic. I can do this. I can.