Wednesday, February 20, 2013
It is a wonder some days how to gain control over so many things that can seem so out of control. I've been working on being mindful. On slowing down and thinking about what I am doing before I do it. It works to some degree - and I'm sure as I get better at it - it will come more easily.
I'm taking a lunch break today in my home office. Enjoying the sunshine coming in through the patio doors. I can't control the weather - it is minus 24 outside. But it is warm inside. Letting go of what I can't control is hard - but at the same time - learning to let the small stuff go - to not fret over it - makes me feel lighter in spirit.
I have been working on gaining control over the food cravings that seem to come at the strangest time for the strangest things. While I was driving home from errands this morning I was sitting at a traffic light - down the road was a safeway - and safeway reminded me of this pomegranate jalapeņo jelly I used to buy there and load onto vinta crackers for a yummy snack. Where do these thoughts come from - my god! I haven't had that in years. Do they even make it anymore? But I stayed on track and did not go to Safeway to find out. Who else makes these weird random associations with food?
It seems the more I plan what I am going to eat - the more weird the cravings become. Or is it just fleeting thoughts about things I have left behind? Is this a kind of mourning for the foods that were in my fridge and pantry? I mean - is that what this is about? Missing what was and trying to move forward to what is and needs to be to get healthy?
I know we all get that craving for potato chips - pick your favorite flavour - and now I'm trying to just sit and think about the process of eating all the chips in the bag - cause who ever can eat just a few ? I normally go right to the end... till there is not one crumb left in the bag.... I was imaging this when I was on holidays? And we stopped for pop and a big bag of chips. We split one bag on the way from the airport - and it just did not have the same magic as it did before. I miss that magic.... I miss that yearning and eating and enjoying....those comfort foods I used to indulge in regularly.
There is some nostalgia here as I am gaining better control over the past year of what I eat. I realized on my holiday that I have left a fair bit behind. I am eating fresh foods now. Lean proteins - making meals from scratch... and I admit my meals are a bit boring at times - but it is what I can do right now to stay on track. Simple foods. Grilled meats with veggies or salad for dinner. Fresh berries and a protein shake for breakfast. A bowl of homemade soup for lunch....
Do I miss the greasy grub that used to be lunch through the fast food lane? Not really. I have a sneaky feeling that if I did the drive through it just would not taste as good as I remember. And I think I am getting used to the new way of eating. It is getting easier to let the cravings go - to feel it - and let it go past... So now I am letting go of past foods that were my comfort. I am saying yes to healthy and no to junk. Sure I miss it - but I am realizing that I can think about it, feel it, imagine eating it - and then breathe and let it go by.
Wow. This is a huge step for me. I'm sure when the stress factor kicks up it will be that much harder... but for most days - I'm gaining control. I am not finding myself in front of the fridge stuffing my face with leftovers - I'm not eating my way through a bag of chips every night on the couch. I'm getting better at being good to me. I'm gaining control of my self. I'm gaining control and moving towards who I want to be when I look myself in the mirror.
I'm gaining control.