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    CAROLYN_ROSE   30,114
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Forgiving myself so I can move forward

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

For months I have been in a deep dark hole. Call it depression, call it the winter blues, a funk, whatever fits the bill. Either way I haven't been myself and I didn't know how to pull myself out of this hole I was in. I was mortified that I had gained close to 20 pounds since October. The fact that what was once a loose fitting pair of jeans no longer fit was horrifying to me.

But I wasn't doing anything about it. I was wearing leggings and dresses and cardigans to hid the bulge of my stomach. I was eating whatever I wanted. While I was keeping up with my workouts, it was clear I couldn't run at my normal pace and keep up the way I used to. This extra weight was/is pulling my down literally and mentally.

Then I took a deep look at myself. I've lost over close to 120 pounds, and while I've gained about 20 of those pounds back, I know without a shadow of a doubt I will never let myself become 300 pounds again. Seeing me close to 200 pounds was enough for me to take notice and start to do something about it.

Then I realized that I need to give myself a break. Everyone slips. This is the first time in the 2plus years I've been on this lifestyle that I've slipped up. There are articles upon articles about how common it is for people to gain their weight back. Even the people on that shows the biggest loser gain some weight back, or more sometimes.

It doesn't mean we've failed. It shows that we are all human. Life throws curveballs at us all the time. This is a journey that I will be on for the rest of my life. And that journey will have it's ups and downs. And while I can try to prevent it, sometimes it's just too hard.

Which is why I'm going to forgive myself for gaining this weight.

I need to realize this was a blip on my journey. And it does not take away from the fact that I've still lost a hundred pounds. I DID that. All on my own, I can absolutely handle getting these pesky 20 pounds back off.

So starting today is the next phase of my journey. Where I acknowledge that I'm human and vulnerable. That it's okay that I gained this weight. That in the end it's just going to make me a stronger person. It's teaching me a much needed lesson that I never ever want to go back to the person I was. I am miserable with this extra weight, I could not imagine how I would feel weighing 300 pounds again.

I am strong, I am beautiful, and I know I can do this again and again if I have too.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

APMAC_D 4/23/2013 9:47AM

    I'm your biggest fan- I believe in you 100%

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MIZCATHI 3/1/2013 3:21PM

    I can relate totally to this blog. I regained 20+ lbs since October after maintaining a loss of 120 lbs for a year a half. But I've pulled myself up by the bootstraps and darn does it feel so much better than being in a fog. Grief is necessary, though I wish I had treated myself better during the worst of it.

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APMAC_D 2/25/2013 10:19AM

    What a great blog- you are amazing!!!!

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MYLOVELYCURVES 2/20/2013 4:51PM

    What a great attitude! You are absolutely right. Good for you for acknowledging and owning it! You can and you will get back on track :)

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OMMAMA7 2/20/2013 2:05PM

    Aww, I'm sorry for the "hole" you were in, but I'm so proud of you for putting things in perspective! You are right, we are human. Most of us have done the same thing at some point. And your accomplishments are major! Gaining a few back does NOT take anything away from all you've done and I have no doubt you'll be back where you were with your weight in no time. I'm glad you posted - you've got this!! emoticon emoticon

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VERONICAVW_140 2/20/2013 12:29PM

    I've slowly learned over the years that when I sit in the shame and guilt of having binged and/or gained weight that I tend to let it happen more often. Gradually I am learning that letting go of that negative feeling and allowing me to start fresh gets the healthy ball rolling much quicker. I'm going to give you a link to an article about that I read about giving ourselves a 5lb window of gaining and losing. Let's say your goal weight is 170. Then Your range would be 168.5 and 172.5. The article is really really scientific so I had to reread some of the paragraphs a couple of times before I unerstood what it was saying!haha But it was a really good read. It is sort of lengthy but if you have some extra time it is worth the read: http://www.fourmilab.ch/hackdiet/e4
/weightmonitor.html#CreatingWei
ghtDatabase

Also, I will leave you with one of my most favorite quotes

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
Emerson, Ralph Waldo


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LEPETITCHIHUA 2/20/2013 12:28PM

    Your not alone. i have gone up and down and up and down for 20 years now! This time I am really reminding myself that maintaining my weight loss will be an everyday effort. That tracking food and exercise are for the rest of my life! And I am ok with that.
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ARUNNINGKAT 2/20/2013 12:03PM

    I have been feeling like I was in a hole that I could not dig out of mentally for several months now too. I have no idea what caused it (although I suspect that dealing with my husband's ex and several attorneys all of last fall didn't help any) but I have been working to get my Spark back so to speak. You are so right when you say this a journey. Thanks for sharing your journey! You are such an inspiration!

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FERNDRAGONFLY 2/20/2013 10:42AM

    WooHoo! I'm proud of you for finding this new perspective. I think we all find ourselves in a similar place from time to time, and it takes real strength and courage to pull yourself back up and begin again.

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BEMILLER30 2/20/2013 10:21AM

    This is such a major part in moving forward, forgiving yourself. That is what I had to do. I lost 80 lbs and gained almost all of it back. I was in a hole for a while, and I am still finding my way again. But I had to really let go of the past and focus on moving forward.

Kudos to you for recognizing this and making plans to move past it. You've done so well, and I know you're going to do great!

Way to go!

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PRETTYPITHY 2/20/2013 10:12AM

    Wow, awesome! Good for you for forgiving yourself. Hiding from the problem (which is what I've done in the past), gets you nowhere. Confronting it and moving forward does! emoticon

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BIGDOG18 2/20/2013 10:07AM

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