Wednesday, February 20, 2013
I haven't done anything.
I'm a big, fat liar.
Seriously, none of my clothes fit anymore.
I've never been one of those "I can't get motivated" people, but for some reason I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I honestly, 100% feel trapped in this body and in my own life.
I'm bitter and angry and I cry pretty much every day.
What happens to the girl who gets everything she ever wanted from life? She ends of miserable because she made so many sacrifices to get there.
I have a great job. I work with great people.
And I wake up every day still hating my life because I know I have to be seen.
I hate how I look. But, more than that, I hate how I feel. Fat. Bloated. Gross.
I can't move because of my knees and my foot and my back all hurt.
So I've been asking myself why I haven't started myself back down the path I know will help.
Not work. Help.
First of all, I'm still angry and bitter.
I did everything I was supposed to do and I failed. And I cannot even begin to tell you how pissed off I still am. Do you know how hard it is to go workout and make yourself hurt SO much (even more now thanks to the foot/ankle) AND deprive yourself of what everyone around you is eating just so you can be LESS FAT. No, seriously. Imagine for a minute that someone told you, "I don't care what you do...starve yourself for the next five years...go ahead and try...you will NEVER lose this weight. You will NEVER be thin." Now go get the motivation to go do the right thing.
I know I'm not SUPPOSED to think that way. But anyone who says that can screw off. Because they didn't get to live through 2012 as me.
Nealy everyone I've started this journey with is done already.
So I've tried another route. Just ignoring that. Chancing that THIS time will be different (though I know it won't). If I just work hard enough this time, but take it REALLY slow (like not seeing a goal weight until I'm 60 years old and too damn old to live the life I've imagined) maybe it will work.
So I tell myself to go to the gym. Because I know that's how it works for me. I can't do food first and exercise later like most of you. Exercise is the answer to me. When I work out I feel better, when I feel better I want to workout, and when I'm feeling great I don't want to eat crap foods because I have more of a training my body mentality.
Problem is...I can't go to the gym. I am LITERALLY trapped.
My husband now goes to work with me every day. We carpool into the city because his car is crap and it literally creaks and makes noises like it's going to fall apart under you when you drive it. He drives MAYBE once a week...the rest of the time we're together. And he only works 1/2 a day...which means he drops me off, waits 2 hours, works 4, waits another 2 and then we go home. I can't ask him to wait any longer. I already feel pressured to leave work early even though that's not really my style. Oh, and did I mention that we have to rush home on Wednesdays because Logan has to be picked up from after school band practice?
All of this would be different if:
Hubs had a different job. He had a second interview last week and we have to wait 2-3 weeks to hear anything.
We lived in town. But we can't even start looking at houses because Hubs has no clue on the job and because I still have not yet gotten a paycheck from the new job.
It's all a game of hurry up and wait. And while I'm waiting I've gained 40 pounds in 3 weeks. And, no, I am not exaggerating.
*pulls hair out*
I do NOT like being this angry, nasty, bitter person. Trying to figure out how to fix this but there's nothing I can do but WAIT...I've never been all that great at WAITING. I've been WAITING for my foot to heal for over a year now. Fat lot of good that did. I don't do waiting. I do action. I do movement. I am a shark.
So how do I stop being who I am for the next 4 weeks to 4 months so:
- We can find out about the job
- We can move into a new house
- I can workout without the gym
- I can eat right without working out
No, seriously...I need some friggin' help here. HATE this. HATE IT.