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    CALLIKIA   23,809
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WAIT...No!!


Wednesday, February 20, 2013

I haven't done anything.
I'm a big, fat liar.

Seriously, none of my clothes fit anymore.

I've never been one of those "I can't get motivated" people, but for some reason I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I honestly, 100% feel trapped in this body and in my own life.
I'm bitter and angry and I cry pretty much every day.

What happens to the girl who gets everything she ever wanted from life? She ends of miserable because she made so many sacrifices to get there.

I have a great job. I work with great people.
And I wake up every day still hating my life because I know I have to be seen.
I hate how I look. But, more than that, I hate how I feel. Fat. Bloated. Gross.
I can't move because of my knees and my foot and my back all hurt.

So I've been asking myself why I haven't started myself back down the path I know will help.
Not work. Help.

First of all, I'm still angry and bitter.
I did everything I was supposed to do and I failed. And I cannot even begin to tell you how pissed off I still am. Do you know how hard it is to go workout and make yourself hurt SO much (even more now thanks to the foot/ankle) AND deprive yourself of what everyone around you is eating just so you can be LESS FAT. No, seriously. Imagine for a minute that someone told you, "I don't care what you do...starve yourself for the next five years...go ahead and try...you will NEVER lose this weight. You will NEVER be thin." Now go get the motivation to go do the right thing.

I know I'm not SUPPOSED to think that way. But anyone who says that can screw off. Because they didn't get to live through 2012 as me.

Nealy everyone I've started this journey with is done already.

So I've tried another route. Just ignoring that. Chancing that THIS time will be different (though I know it won't). If I just work hard enough this time, but take it REALLY slow (like not seeing a goal weight until I'm 60 years old and too damn old to live the life I've imagined) maybe it will work.

So I tell myself to go to the gym. Because I know that's how it works for me. I can't do food first and exercise later like most of you. Exercise is the answer to me. When I work out I feel better, when I feel better I want to workout, and when I'm feeling great I don't want to eat crap foods because I have more of a training my body mentality.

Problem is...I can't go to the gym. I am LITERALLY trapped.

My husband now goes to work with me every day. We carpool into the city because his car is crap and it literally creaks and makes noises like it's going to fall apart under you when you drive it. He drives MAYBE once a week...the rest of the time we're together. And he only works 1/2 a day...which means he drops me off, waits 2 hours, works 4, waits another 2 and then we go home. I can't ask him to wait any longer. I already feel pressured to leave work early even though that's not really my style. Oh, and did I mention that we have to rush home on Wednesdays because Logan has to be picked up from after school band practice?

All of this would be different if:

Hubs had a different job. He had a second interview last week and we have to wait 2-3 weeks to hear anything.

We lived in town. But we can't even start looking at houses because Hubs has no clue on the job and because I still have not yet gotten a paycheck from the new job.

It's all a game of hurry up and wait. And while I'm waiting I've gained 40 pounds in 3 weeks. And, no, I am not exaggerating.

*pulls hair out*

I do NOT like being this angry, nasty, bitter person. Trying to figure out how to fix this but there's nothing I can do but WAIT...I've never been all that great at WAITING. I've been WAITING for my foot to heal for over a year now. Fat lot of good that did. I don't do waiting. I do action. I do movement. I am a shark.

So how do I stop being who I am for the next 4 weeks to 4 months so:
- We can find out about the job
- We can move into a new house
- I can workout without the gym
- I can eat right without working out

No, seriously...I need some friggin' help here. HATE this. HATE IT.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROMNEY3 2/25/2013 11:43AM

    Oh wow, like NOTABOUTTHEFACE, don't know what to say. Hope things start working better for you soon. emoticon

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PAMAZON 2/21/2013 9:43AM

    Well, at least your writing successfully gets your frustration across to us. So that's a positive, you're a good blogger!

You've got numerous obstacles, you've been at this a long time, and you have a wealth of self-knowledge. Sometimes those of us with the longest paths are the most stubborn and unwilling to make certain changes because we're sure they will not work.

Do not let fears and stubborness close doors. Do not let your sense of self-worth keep you growing roots in the same place. Take care of your body, build a little muscle (safely), clean up the diet. If you can't stick with your good nutrition plan, don't blame the plan, look within.

Look at where you are now, look at where you were then, and feel proud. Don't let the ups and downs in the recent year belittle the successes you've had. Start your new streak like you started your first, but don't assume you have all the answers. Be humble, try new stuff, surround yourself with newbies and pretend that you're new at this yourself. Their enthusiasm can be infectious (if not annoying).

XOXO!


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KNOWMOREBBK 2/21/2013 9:09AM

    I've been fat since I was 10 years old. I'm 44 yrs old now... and still "fat." I know that I will NEVER be thin. I will never be a waif. I have junk in the trunk and I come from a long line of "big boned women." But I am beautiful. I am smart. I am generous. I am loved. I know that you can say all of those same words... and when you are going through hell...keep going.
You are in a tough spot and you need to get it out. You need to scream and kick and be just..well... pissed off at the world and at the crappy hand you have been dealt. It sucks... It's not fair....Who the hell could deal with it all and remain "positive."
Get it out...but keep going. You won't quit. It's not who you are.

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CHALLENGEME4 2/20/2013 4:36PM

    We all have a story and probably most sound lie your I know mine did I had all these things going against me and I was miserable!!!! I kept waiting for things to get better so that I could......
Things didn't get better I had to get up.....literally and do something for myself or later would come without me.
Perhaps when you get home yo take a walk, perhaps yo be honest with hubby to give yo 30mins at gym except wednesdays to workout, if he sits for 2hrs 30 more mins might not be so bad
your mental and physical health is much too important
perhaps he could get some of the runing around done to give you more free time.
If going to the gym makes you happy get to the gym or use DVDS to help get you started until things get better
I wish you lots of support believe me just 2 months ago I was you. I got up and out just did it because otherwise I don't think I would have made it mentally and physically I would have kept gaining weight!!!!

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ERIN1128 2/20/2013 4:24PM

    I'm so sorry that you're in such a tough spot right now. I hope, hope, hope that everything will come together soon!

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IRONBLOSSOM 2/20/2013 4:17PM

    I'm feeling your pain, honestly. I started last February, lost 20 pounds, plateaued, lost my job, gained 10, plateaued, now I'm too scared to step on the scale but I can see from my clothes that while I'm not all the way back to the beginning, I'm close. There seems to constantly be an "event" that keeps me from getting back into the swing of things, but I know that these are all choices, I'm just not making the right ones. And at the time I make them I. DON'T. CARE. Because exactly what you said "gonna be fat forever, what does it matter if I have this snack, that lunch instead of the healthy one, etc etc" But it doesn't end that way.

I'm with you, I need to exercise in order to feel good enough to exercise, eat right, etc...it's that first step out the door that is dragging me down lately.

I'm sure you've already thought of everything I could think of, and I don't 100% know your foot situation, but is there any way you can talk your husband into going to the gym with you before/after work when you drive together? Maybe even just 1-2 days per week right now. Heck, he can bring a book and sit in the lobby! Or "babe watch" (I do this with my fiancee, not recommended if you're the jealous type) on the cardio machines, etc etc etc... I know you feel like you're making him wait even LONGER, but if there's something he can do then it's not just waiting and wasted time. He could go to the library, a coffee shop, take a bus, something ANY thing so that you can get there just every so often. Remind him how exercise makes you so much happier and a better partner. I don't know, my fiancee says all the right things, but when it comes to follow-through, he has a hard time "don't go work out right NOW, come snuggle with me!" "Yeah, we should go for a walk, ohh, too bad, now it's too late and cold and dark, darn it!" So I don't have all the answers for that either.

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SUGIRL06 2/20/2013 3:01PM

    Boy we are both having quite the blogging day!
Let all those frustrations out girl. I know you aren't looking for advice. Like you said, you just have to wait right now. I feel the same way, just waiting for something to happen, for my body to change, for something positive. I keep going because it is who I am but it gets hard sometimes. I know you are a strong woman and will keep attacking life head on!
emoticon
~Ang

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MAMADWARF 2/20/2013 1:00PM

    I can only say that I'm not done yet either and we started around the same time. Something's gotta give. Don't punish yourself with food though. That game always ends bad! Cheering for you! I know you'll figure something out cause I dpknow how hard you've worked to lose what you have.

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CALLIKIA 2/20/2013 12:48PM

    I'd be happy if I never heard the words "chair exercise" ever again.

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GUITARWOMAN 2/20/2013 12:41PM

    Callikia, I have been following you for a long time...got worried when you disappeared for a while...and now am responding even though I am on an official Sparkpeople hiatus (I let my sparkfriends know first).

Okay, I will go with the organizing principles that you are telling the truth and that you know how to read a scale and other relevant numbers.

It seems to me that you are the recipient of one really weird metabolism in the game of genetic chance we play when we are born. You should be studied....for your own good and that of all of us who struggle every day with our weight. Contact the Mayo clinic....I mean it.....or any other high placed medical research institution you can find. Maybe they will take you on as a research subject. Gaining 40 pounds in three weeks? And living a basically regular work and family life? That should get someone's attention somewhere.... I have read that normally the human body can absorb maybe 7,000 calories a day tops. That is why those polar explorers eat sticks of butter for snacks and still lose weight---a phenomenal calorie expenditure. Perhaps you have an extraordinary absorption capacity.

But, don't listen to me. I'm a social scientist, not a nutritionist. Get someone to study you.

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SKIRNIR 2/20/2013 10:57AM

    I also really have no idea what to say. I can see your frustration. But the last thing you want to do is totally deprive yourself or workout so hard you hurt. Whatever you do, it has to be longterm and slow. Cutting a few calories here and there. Took me two years to loose 50 pounds. Yeah, that is slow and that can be frustrating, but how else can you keep it off if you don't get it off slowly? My main exercise is walking. Just get out and walk. If your body doesn't allow walking, then look up some chair exercises or what not. You have to start somewhere. But if after your workout, you are so sore the next day you can't do some minor activity, then I think you over did it. You have to start slowly and work up to it. And don't make too many big changes. Don't try and workout for an hour the first day, or try and cut your calories to some ridiculously low level, etc. I think you can do this, even in spite of all the difficulties. What can happen if you try?

Oh, I would also talk to your doctor about it, and maybe he/she might have some ideas on pain meds, or other ways to help with your endeavor. Also getting others involved in the process makes/means you are more serious about it.

Whatever you do, try and do this weightloss/get healthier thing safely, without extreme deprivation.


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-POOKIE- 2/20/2013 10:26AM

    Ah, I had a thought that you had tried something before.

Have you tried topical anti-inflammatory gels? I have ibuprofen gel, I'm sorry I don't know the US version, but its a pain killing, anti inflammatory drug that you can get in topical versions rather than pills.

I didn't get vast relief from them, but they did help somewhat, and they are freely available and not expensive here (can only assume its the same there, as your drug laws for OTC are freer than here)

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CALLIKIA 2/20/2013 10:21AM

    If I could cure this with positive self talk I would've done that the whole time. Positive self talk makes me want to smack myself.

Pookie - I had one of those injections once and it about killed me and didn't do anything to heal the pain. I've tried 2 different doctors and a PT and a chiropractor. I refuse to give any more money to someone else who cannot help me.

Trust me, I totally wish I could break out of this...and I probably will, but right now the whole "wait" thing is driving me bonkers because as I wait I gain weight. And even doing Whole30 only netted me a 10 pound loss...and there's no way I could eat that way ALL THE TIME. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 2/20/2013 10:12AM

    Don't know what to say other than... emoticon

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FLYINGB16 2/20/2013 10:11AM

    I don't know the details of your 2012 so I can't offer any insight. I'm sorry you are having so much frustration. I do know that you have to fix your head first and the body will follow. This was/is the hardest part for me. Negative thoughts create more negative thoughts create more negative thoughts etc... I'm sure you want to smack me right now but try "I think I can or I know I can do this". Positive self-talk may sound corney but it does work.

As far as the gym...whatever activity you are able to do with your injuries/health issues just go do it. Anything is better than nothing. Why can't your husband workout with you instead of waiting for you to finish?

Transition sucks and it sounds like you are experiencing a lot of BIG things all at one time. I have been there and I know it can make you crazy. Take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself.

emoticon

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-POOKIE- 2/20/2013 9:58AM

    Have you had any treatments on your foot?

I had steroid injections which really helped, they where, I'll be honest, horribly painful (needle in the side of your heel, to the depth of where the pain is in the centre) but again, honest here, the relief was within HOURS and it lasted months, then I had to get one foot "topped up" and since then, I have been relatively free from pain, unless I do something really OTT.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, I really am. Is there anything you feel you could do at home to work out? low impact exercise videos... just so you can feel you are doing something?
Or lifting "weights" doesn't need to be actual weights, grab heavy junk in the garage and work out your upper body while seated with the heavy stuff?

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