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Today is a Fresh Start

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Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Today is day one of my streak.

Yes, I fell off the wagon. My streak ended yesterday due to a binge. And what a HUGE binge it was! I consumed thousands of calories! I used food to numb myself to things that have been stressing me. I ate so much....and it wasn't even that good. I was just stuffing that food in to try to stuff my feelings down.

But guess what? When I went to bed, I had to deal with my feelings. As I laid in bed, feeling bloated and sick, I started to cry. I was full of remorse and regret. WHY did I sabotage myself like that? Why did I eat so much junk?

Thats not what I want for myself! I deserve so much better than to sit there and cram so much unhealthy food down my throat.

So I got out of bed and went into the living room to write in my journal. Writing things down always helps me to figure myself out. As I wrote, I realized that although I am stressed about finances, that was not the main reason behind my binge.

Pressure. Thats why I binged. I am feeling too much pressure about the scale! I had told myself that I would get on the scale on March first. I thought I was ready for that. After all, my last weigh in was back in September. So why not weigh myself?

I know I've been at a plateau for a long time. Even though I haven't been on the scale, I can tell that I haven't lost weight. I can tell by the way I look and by the fit of my clothes. I have made progress in other ways, though. I'm stronger and healthier. I have more energy and endurance. My body is toning up and getting firmer. I feel younger than my age. And those are all WONDERFUL things. I have come so far since I started this journey last March. When I weighed myself last September, I'd lost 71 lbs. Even if I haven't lost another pound since then, I'm still proud of myself for the progress I've made.

But the thought of getting on that scale on March 1st has really, really, really put the pressure on me. So I need to back off. I've decided that I will not weigh myself on March 1st after all. I'm not saying that I will never weigh myself again. I'm just saying that I can't do it right now. I'm at a plateau and I know that if I weighed myself now, I would just disappoint myself and I'd probably disappoint some of my Spark friends too.

Today is a new day. I binged yesterday, but today I am going to get right back on track. I will not worry about the scale. I'm just going to eat right, exercise, and continue to look for Non-Scale Victories. I am going to keep focusing on being as healthy as I possibly can be. And when I do finally get on the scale, it will be when I am ready to do it. I'm not going to set a deadline for myself when it comes to weighing in. That just doesn't work for me.

I am going to continue to love myself, to respect my body and to be my own Valentine!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Pixie we can do this! No, none of your real Spark friends would ever be disappointed in u! We are here to encourage & help each other! We got this!
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    1645 days ago
    1701 days ago
  • ELAINE725
    Unfortunately we all have our weak moments. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, keep moving forward and forget about yesterday. Thank you for sharing your story. I know we can all relate!!! emoticon
    1820 days ago
  • GEORGE815
    We all binge to some extent. Try to limit it though.
    1834 days ago
    Thanks for sharing and most of all thanks for your courage to address the issues and get back with the program. I've just had a challenging week myself; have allowed myself to indulge in Lindt chocolate truffles; Kettle potato chips and the like; whereas I should have stayed on course; however, your post inspires me to take up the challenge of "This being a new day" emoticon emoticon
    1844 days ago
  • SPUD3193
    1846 days ago
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    1847 days ago
  • ROBB1N
    You are an inspiration.
    1849 days ago
    Your Spark friends will never be disappointed in you. You are strong, even when you don't feel like it. How much strength it takes to not only recognize the root of a binge like that, but to accept it, deal with it, and move on with a fresh mindset - not many people understand that kind of strength.

    You are doing just fine. Thanks for sharing your journey - struggles and all. It keeps things real for all of us who think this weight is just going to go away with no real effort or concentration on our part.

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    1849 days ago
  • QTEALADY20031
    Pixie, you would never disappoint me. You are an inspiration to me and so much my motivator. You recognized that it was a day binge and you are right it does not have to continue into day 2 or day 3. Your wrote in your journal, writing helps. We have all had our "days" and little set-backs but pursuing is where success is at the end of the road. YOU are wonderful........71 pounds Is a lot of weight to lose. You are marvelous and don't you think anything but positve thoughts about yourself.
    emoticon emoticon June
    1851 days ago
    Hey Pixie - it must be the moon or something in the air!

    Several of us have been struggling the last couple months, including me! But you know what, you have inspired us by saying "Don't Give Up"!

    This journey we are on is truly a struggle! Sometimes a hard struggle BUT we must not give up! You haven't given up! You're still on the right road! You're still by our side! We are all in this together! Together is the key word here!!

    Have a fabuloose week my friend!!! emoticon

    1851 days ago
    We are but human. We fail all the time.
    Yes we surprise ourselves amd at times it can be on thr flipside. Meaning we binge.
    But as you said a bad day should not turn in a bad week.
    We all have bad days...xoxo
    1852 days ago
    Don't worry about disappointing your Spark friends, most of us have had out moments of despair.
    I sometimes get frustrated through my job, someone usually triggers it, I used to always turn to food. But now I let out my frustrations in exercise, a walk, ranting and yelling around the house, or if I just have to eat I eat an apple or grapes, something that doesn't affect my calorie count.
    we are all individuals and if you can wait to weigh, more power to you.
    I would freak out if I didn't weigh everyday. I have to make adjustments if I see a gain. But that's me.
    Believe me the most important thing is never give up. Just take each day as it comes and do your best.
    Everyday we have the chance to better our lives, making good choices does just that,
    Be strong, stay positive.
    Tisha emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1852 days ago
    You can do it! I know I've had my share of setbacks these past two months, but we have to keep chugging away! Sooner or later, maybe healthy living will be a habit - until then we just have to keep trying!
    1852 days ago
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    1852 days ago
  • BSLMKH1954
    We need reminded that we should not do something just because we where taught to. The scale is only one way to see how we are progressing but not always the perfect way. emoticon
    1853 days ago
    Good luck with the new start. emoticon
    1853 days ago
    Amen!!! Awesome blog!!!!!!!! Thanks for sharing it. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1853 days ago
    You can never dissapoint true friends! You have inspired me today with your positive attitude about the scale. have a great day. emoticon
    1853 days ago
    Pixie, you are at goal.... maybe not your goal weight but you have achieved the real goal, the one we all need to succeed....the right attitude! emoticon
    1853 days ago
  • SFREY217
    We all fall at one time or another, but having the courage to get up is the important part. You can do this, you are worth it !!!
    1853 days ago
    Hope you are feeling better about your journey today! I am pretty new to the Spark People Community, but the one thing I see over and over is all the support everyone shares. I can't believe for even a minute that any one of us would be "disappointed" in you. We have all been in similar situations. Be good to yourself. Congratulations on losing 71 pounds! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1853 days ago
    Hi Pixie....I know what you mean about the pressure of getting on that scale. Up to January 8th of this year, I had not been on a scale since January of 2005!!!! I was so scared of that scale and what it would tell me. I decided on that day to get on it and deal with it no matter what the number said. I have to admit that I was only a few ounces from the worse scenario that I created in my head I was really bummed. For a few minutes after I got on the scale I wanted to say, "screw it" and just forget the whole thing but I didn't. After I got into my car I had a little heart to heart with myself, I decided I was not going to ever let this happen to me again where i fear a metal object!!! It was the best thing I have done for myself for a very long time. I conquered my fear and you can too!!!!!

    1853 days ago
  • DRB13_1
    I'm proud of you! You've achieved so very much (I wish, I wish, I wish I'd have lost 70 pounds like you have!!!) and great things are still ahead for you! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    Tears can be healing! Congrats on being aware, using your journal as both an outlet and to identify your stress, and for starting a new streak. emoticon
    1853 days ago
    Not disappointed in you at all. You fell - so what - we do that every day. Life is full of mistakes. Just pick yourself up - brush off the dust - and take a firmer step in the right direction.

    I'm happy that you dealt with your problem in a good way - re-evaluating things - yourself - your needs - and perhaps those things that can and will haunt you. We need to know ourselves - and to learn our weaknesses and our strengths.

    Your weakness? Dealing with the scale - the worry and concern that you are not making progress even though deep in your heart you know you are - you are stronger and healthier. It is hard - so very hard - not to live under societies version of what is healthy - skinny jeans - a smaller dress size - that perfect number on the scale.

    In your heart - you know you are doing better - you have come so far . We need to tune out what everyone else thinks is healthy and beautiful. No, not the doctors - but the television screen - the pictures of emaciated women walking down the runway pretending to be a perfect example of health - women who either deny themselves food or work out many more hours than any one of us could possibly every afford to do. It is not reasonable and it is not normal - we all have quality lives to live.

    It should not consume us any more than eating should. Now, it will take a great deal of time to deal with that - to learn to be comfortable in our own skin - to know that we, too, have value - no matter what size we are - to know that striving to be healthy and learning to live healthier is a gift much more valuable than a number on a scale.

    Should we strive to lose weight? Heck, yes - the numbers show that it improves your health - it makes you less likely to have weight-related diseases or problems. It also gives you more energy and improves your mental health as well. It is a good thing. Should it consume us so much that it makes us sick - causes us to constantly doubt our worth because we aren't a size 2 like everyone else - no.

    Sometimes we need to re-evaluate what we want in this journey - sometimes we need to see if what we are striving for is realistic - is it healthy - is it good for me. I think you are on the right track. You did not give up - you are still striving - keep up the good work - and know that we are here for you - rooting for your success - and truly hoping - that no matter what size you are - that you love yourself for who you truly are. A number on a scale - a dress size - a tight pair of fitting jeans - does not a beautiful woman make. Pretty . . . perhaps. However, the true measure of the beauty of a woman is when you get to know her - when you truly are grateful that you have her as a friend / spouse - when seeing her makes you smile - when you turn to her in comfort and she never lets you down. I am sure you are many of those things to many different people. Never let that go - for when you do lose the weight you want to lose - you will not only be beautiful on the inside - but on the outside too - perhaps then, you will believe it.

    1853 days ago
  • ANGELN325
    I would never be disappointed in you. Even if you never lost another pound again. 71 lbs weight loss is a HUGE accomplishment and you are right...being healthy is what's most important. I know people who are having huge success with fad diets, but that's short-term. Maintenance is what is hardest. Just think you are mastering this phase now and that will make it easier when the time comes to really have to do that! What I'm most proud of is that you aren't giving up. I plateaued after losing 50 or 60 lbs and I let it eat me up and then I gained almost all of it back. Tried to lose weight and like plateaued for 8 months, injured myself and then gained more weight which put me a little over 5 lbs from when I was pregnant with Caley. I had to restart my Spark because my starting weight was higher. That's no fun. I'm glad you are figuring out because you are teaching me and I'm slowly getting my spark back. TY!
    1853 days ago
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    1853 days ago
    I am cheering you on and sending you hugs. I think we all have bad days and sometimes days that turn into weeks. I appreciate how open and honest you were but especially for yourself. You have made great progress. If the scale is stressing you out, put it away and focus on how strong and great you have been feeling.

    So glad you are taking the set back and moving forward. We are cheering you on! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1853 days ago
    emoticon A great reminder!
    1853 days ago
  • SHIRE33
    Everybody has said it, but I want to say it, too: NO WAY could you disappoint us!

    1853 days ago
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    1853 days ago
    Live every day as if it your last because someday, it will be.
    1853 days ago
  • MARTY728
    1853 days ago
  • FIRE916
    Pix- Have you been taking measurements? I know that seems to help me. If you are feeling stronger and leaner then you might be replacing that fat with muscle. And NO muscle does NOT weigh more than fat but it takes up less space on your frame so even if your scales says that you haven't changed weight wise then you can be changing shape wise. Remember that this is a never ending process. Don't beat yourself up for having a less than stellar eating day. Rise the next day and start fresh. The more you beat yourself up the longer it will take you to start anew. Remember that there are lots of people on this site willing to give you support in your time of need. emoticon
    1853 days ago
    Persevere! As others have said, it's just ONE day. More importantly tho, is the fact that you've identified what caused it, you recognize that is a slip up AND you are right back at it, ready to stay the course. Would this have been the way you handled things in the past? My guess is no. Forgive yourself, be proud of your incredible strength and know there's so much support around you.
    1853 days ago
    NOBODY would be disappointed in you!! Just look at that list of things that you HAVE accomplished!! You are a rock star!!! Keep it up - and since you know the source of pressure, you can work on that!! :-) KEEP IT UP!!!!!!!!!!
    1853 days ago
  • CHANSEN_20001
    You can do it!!! I did horribly last week on my cruise, I am sooooo upset with myself, but like you said, TODAY we will start again.

    1854 days ago
    Like you, I ate from emotion yesterday. Today is another day, a better day, and a day where I will walk the straight and narrow. We are only human and bound to make mistakes. Congratulations on the your healthy quest.

    1854 days ago
  • VBA2009
    1854 days ago
  • AJB121299
    good luck
    1854 days ago
    Start Overs! I feel like I've been doing that every single morning lately. At least we have that opportunity, and realize we can never give up! The human being is capable of so much, we have only scratched the surface....there is SO MUCH MORE inside of us that we can do! And we will do it all!!!
    1854 days ago
    emoticon Excellent! You know what you need to do for you!
    1854 days ago
  • GOGIRL_93
    I personally found this post very inspiring. Your description of emotional eating really hit home for me. I admire your strength and motivation to get right back on track. Keep up your positive attitute!
    1854 days ago
    1854 days ago
    If the scale stresses you out to the point of binging, put it away. Use the way you feel (you're feeling better), the way your clothes fit, how your regular meals (not the binge) are fitting into your spark plan and make goals in that way. Find goals that don't put so much pressure on you that you break. Make small goals that you can accomplish & say YAY ME! Good luck & losing so much weight in a year is a MASSIVE accomplishment!!! emoticon
    1854 days ago
    What a great open post....
    1854 days ago
    You are more than the number on the scale! So much more. Remeber to love yourself. You are worth it.
    1854 days ago
    I always find what you write to be inspiring. You are honest and you are real. I think you have the right attitude!
    1854 days ago
  • GINA180847
    That is what I call progress! emoticon
    1854 days ago
    1854 days ago
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