Monday, February 18, 2013
Well, I did it. I let myself think of the time when Alaska Man goes home and I got a little teary-eyed. Then I told him I was gonna miss him, and texting is NOT the way to do this.
I got reality checked. Big time.
I was entertaining the thought of going up there to visit him and there is no reason to do that. His life is in the middle of major changes and so is mine, but it seems there are no changes to be made TOGETHER. Which I am pretty silly for thinking there would be anyway since he does live 5300 miles away and just came out of a really nasty divorce 2 years ago and still cannot see his children whenever he wants.
So Angela gets to stay right here in the middle of my own crappy life and deal with it. I cried last night... a lot.
You see, when good things happen to me, I want them to continue happening. And having a man that knows how to read me and make me smile is one of the only things I have been waiting for these past 4 years that I have been out of work. I chose not to date because I had no way to provide for myself. Now that I will be able to, the man I want to be with... or just TRY to be with... doesn't want to be with anyone permanently. And I can understand that... sort of.
Still doesn't help the situation. But it's time to backpedal now and leave him alone and start healing myself again. I need to be strong for me.
What was I thinking? Why did I ever think this could have been something more that we both wanted to explore? Because I am a sick woman who does not know her own boundaries, but am learning that mine are not in the same places as others'. And I am the one who feels ashamed, and I know that is not right. AllI did was follow & SHARE my emotions and now they have been hit by a large truck and splattered all over the road of life.
I guess in the end KARMA is a big, fat bitch. I left him 19 years ago, so I guess he gets to leave me this time. But that is the end of that. I am exhausted, sore, and sad and not ready to deal with life just yet today.
Peace and Love to you all. If you love someone, no matter what, make sure they know it.