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Reality Bites the Big One

Monday, February 18, 2013

Well, I did it. I let myself think of the time when Alaska Man goes home and I got a little teary-eyed. Then I told him I was gonna miss him, and texting is NOT the way to do this.

I got reality checked. Big time.

I was entertaining the thought of going up there to visit him and there is no reason to do that. His life is in the middle of major changes and so is mine, but it seems there are no changes to be made TOGETHER. Which I am pretty silly for thinking there would be anyway since he does live 5300 miles away and just came out of a really nasty divorce 2 years ago and still cannot see his children whenever he wants.

So Angela gets to stay right here in the middle of my own crappy life and deal with it. I cried last night... a lot.

You see, when good things happen to me, I want them to continue happening. And having a man that knows how to read me and make me smile is one of the only things I have been waiting for these past 4 years that I have been out of work. I chose not to date because I had no way to provide for myself. Now that I will be able to, the man I want to be with... or just TRY to be with... doesn't want to be with anyone permanently. And I can understand that... sort of.

Still doesn't help the situation. But it's time to backpedal now and leave him alone and start healing myself again. I need to be strong for me.

What was I thinking? Why did I ever think this could have been something more that we both wanted to explore? Because I am a sick woman who does not know her own boundaries, but am learning that mine are not in the same places as others'. And I am the one who feels ashamed, and I know that is not right. AllI did was follow & SHARE my emotions and now they have been hit by a large truck and splattered all over the road of life.

I guess in the end KARMA is a big, fat bitch. I left him 19 years ago, so I guess he gets to leave me this time. But that is the end of that. I am exhausted, sore, and sad and not ready to deal with life just yet today.

Peace and Love to you all. If you love someone, no matter what, make sure they know it.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm so sorry Ang. But you did nothing wrong....don't beat yourself up. All you wanted was to be happy and that is no sin. But it's not going to work the way you want.'re right...ONWARD and UPWARD. Think of yourself...your goals. Your love for being outdoors, your incredible weight loss and power on. You can do this....with or without Alaska Man..and someday maybe there will be Mr. Right ...but until then, be true to yourself and make yourself the very best you can be.
    1826 days ago
    Awww. I/m sorry youre feeling like this. Hang in never know what will happen,,,just stay positive....
    1826 days ago
  • SHEILA234
    Sounds like such a hard situation. Crying is very therapeutic, and some time is probably needed also. Take good care of yourself and stay strong --- you are SO worth it.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1826 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/19/2013 1:58:19 AM
    Darlin' you are a love warrior! Don't beat yourself for being open to love and expressing your feelings. Celebrate that you are so jaded and crusted over emotionally that you still can take a chance on love. This life has few highlights better than that feeling of loving someone else. Yes, it makes us vulnerable to the pain of rejection and a broken heart. But to everything you shared, you weren't rejected ... not your love ... he just doesn't have the room for it in his life right now. That's his loss and not about you. I will pray that you heal quickly and that you keep that openness about you, because without it you may very well have the "Do not disturb sign" up when someone presents you with their heart, and you don't want that to happen. emoticon
    1826 days ago
  • MARIANNE9855
    you were honest and true to your feelings and there is nothing wrong with that. In the movies and novels the romances always work out and I think that still brainwashes us into thinking that is real life.
    You are doing so well- there is no reason to think that someone else will not come along when you least expect it.
    I know you are hurting now- but maybe you should consider online dating- my niece who was engaged 2x before she met the one- found the one on line in our bigger community. Another woman I know found someone who treated her so well and was so accepting of her and she never would have run into him in her community naturally. emoticon
    1826 days ago
    Sounds like apainful episode. I hope when he's gone, you'll heal. There are other fish in the sea. He'd be lucky to have you.
    1826 days ago
    1826 days ago
    Angela, It takes a lot of courage to put yourself (and your heart) out there under the best of circumstances. Don't be too hard on yourself right now - yes, there was a part of you that was hoping things would work out long distance, but one of your statements was very honest. You both are going through major changes in your lives which is hard enough alone, much harder when two people are trying to make the best choices for themselves and someone else. Nasty divorces leave scars that sometimes cannot be healed, or take many years, especially when there are children involved. Hang in there!!!
    You are a special person and deserve to find happiness!!!! I think finding it in yourself first is key, at least that is what I have found for me - I can't make anyone else happy unless I am truly happy first. emoticon
    1826 days ago
    I'm so proud of you for putting yourself out there. I have so many fear issues that I will probably never be in another romantic relationship. You my dear friend dared to dream and yes, some times when we put ourselves out there, we get hurt but its better then hiding for fear of getting hurt. Your heart was happy because you took a chance, and it is a good thing. Please don't let this stop you from being out there and trusting that one day, your prince (yes prince) will come. Love you much. emoticon
    1826 days ago
    Please don't let this tail spin you completely.
    I am so sorry! I want you to be find your inner gut that drives you like it did last summer (reread some of your blogs when you were first getting started).
    I know that what was said burned like fire. I am so very sorry Honey.
    I am around now.
    1826 days ago
    Goodbyes are hard. Sometimes people aren't meant to be in our lives forever, it's okay to cherish and love the moments, be sad it's changed and moved forward. If distance is the only factor, know that I had a very intense and deep relationship with a man who lived 3000 miles away from me and in a different country. It can be done. If it's more, as you shared, that he has to focus on growing through his divorce, focus on his children, then you do - as hard as it is - have to let him go. We cannot predict the future, we can only focus on today and today, enjoy the moments you have. You will both be forever changed in a positive way for having spent this time together. Many hugs.
    1827 days ago
    I can't stand it that you cried. Makes me sad too.

    You know, Angela, life's a bitch - and then you die.

    I'm like you in that when things are going well, I want them to continue to be well - just want to have fun and explore life - especially with a significant other.

    I've never been one to need or want to be around a lot of people all the time. However, growing old alone, without a significant other, doesn't sound like the way I'd like to get out of here.

    I think maybe something really nice is in your near future. Things are just "looking up," you know. You've got the disability thing - you've taken unbelievable charge of your diet and exercise - I mean, my God, you're awesome! I hope you'll just enjoy Alaska Man while he's here because you two do have a good time together. Then, when he's gone, move on to something else. I know that's easier said than done, but we really never know what tomorrow brings. It could be something wonderful!

    Take what you can from the Alaska Man experience. Walk away with a learning experience under your belt - and get ready to TAKE ON THE WORLD!! emoticon

    Love you! emoticon
    1827 days ago
  • _LINDA
    So very sorry Angela :((
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    You said he was going through a nasty divorce -that could mean he is pretty gunshy right now. That is awful not being allowed to see his own kids :((
    You are still young, there is still time, its the one thing you have plenty of..
    You are strong and you know it!
    1827 days ago
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