Monday, February 18, 2013
Yesterday was Terrible.
Since I started on the antidepressants, I have been, for the most part, emotionally stable-ish. Yeah ill have my mood swings, my down moments, but for the most part its part of the normal range for your average stressed out college kid. I havent had a complete day ruined from the depression since September.
I dont know what set it off. I don't know if its even something that set it off, or if its just my brain chemistry giving a giant middle finger to my life.
Either way it sucked.
I couldnt focus, I wouldnt eat, I was being a total B*** to my boyfriend... staring at the ceiling all day, thinking terrible thoughts about myself and the world and snapping at every little thing.
All I could think about was... whats the point. Im not seeing any physical results, no one around me is even noticing behavioral changes, let alone actual results, Im a fat cow who doesnt deserve to eat, hippo, worthless, you name it.
I had dinner planned at my moms house, so I finally got some food in me, mostly just out of politeness. Somehow managed to force myself to focus through a paper I had due today, and then slowly slinked out of my misery
And when we were going to bed, I thought things were pretty decent.
Then BF and I started fighting. at this point I can't even say for certain WHY we were fighting, it was a simple miscommunication that has now been rehashed so many times I don't know where it started.
Long story short I was in the car at 3 am ready to leave.
SO not only did the day suck, but I didnt get any sleep in the night either. Today I'm emotionally better, sort of, though still psychologically fragile and sore, and so tired. So tired. I don't know how I even got up this morning. Im not going to go to my last class today, just so I can get home and get some much needed sleep.
And then tomorrow, take my car in to the shop because its breaking. AGAIN. I really cant afford this crap right now.
And through it all, I have to somehow find a way to reduce my sodium intake, because its causing my feet to swell and probably the biggest component of why m scale keeps going up instead of down. Ive got my macro-nutrients under control - ~2500 calorie deficit per week from diet, and going to the gym 2-5 times a week, I should be losing something, somewhere. But lbs gained, and extra inches everywhere. Its got to be water weight. I hope it is. Right now I cant even entertain the possibility of anything else. Too mentally fragile.
Sorry for the vent, but I needed to put it somewhere. people in my 'real' life just dont get it.
Any suggestions on things I can take to school for lunch? I have approximately a 4"x8"x6" lunch bag that has to hold enough for 12 hours. And that bag already feels too big most days.
Currently I take
A water bottle (that I keep filled and with me through all my classes, and isnt part of the volume equation)
a fruit cup,
a fruit juice,
a fat free yogurt,
a microwave (low fat) popcorn,
an almond-granola bar,
and some container of something, as loaded with veggies as I can manage.
Usually rice or pasta based, with a combination of mushrooms, beans, and either venison or tuna for protein. But that container of something is what gives me all the salt Im getting.
'a salad' doesnt work, because there just wont be enough calories to hold me for as long as Im on campus. I dont add any salt, but I cant find low sodium canned beans at my grocery, and dried beans take SO long. and canned tomatos are the only way I get that fruit/veg in, and I cant find those in low sodium either.
Also, 'soup' is great, but with the limited space I have, it just isnt calorically dense enough to keep me going.
I have tried packing a lot of different 'snack' type things, but the grazing doesnt work for me. I need a LUNCH. though the rest of it can be snack-y, but Ive pretty much got that covered.
Also the microwave on campus doesnt work, so whatever it is has to be at least tolerable cold. And im going to have to find something besides popcorn X(
Thanks in advance for the help!