Monday, February 18, 2013
I gave a wrong impression on my Valentine To Me blog! I am proud of me, don't get me wrong. I am managing, but not well. Maybe not as well as I implied....
I feel guilty. Real guilty. I am an exercise nut. those of you who are my close Spark friends know that. Those of you who have been on challenges with me know that. But, for this weekend's BLC FOCUS challenge I suck. I skipped 2 whole days of exercise! 2 days! I haven't tracked my food like I always do and I've been somewhat of a hermit. I need my exercise, I need to track and I need my Spark friends, and thus the guilt i feel! I'm letting my team down, but even worse I am letting me down! My husband has been very sick and that has had me worried. As you can imagine, even more worried than most with my history of deaths around me! Yes, I catastrophize with the best of them! I know it is supposed to be irrational thinking, but every time a new death occurs I go thru a period of thinking the worst of every worse case scenario. It should be funny the way things go so badly in my mind, but it is not. It feels real and it feels real scary. Just so you know, my husband is sick, but he is not dying. At least that is what the doctor said, but I'm still worrying thinking they may have missed something. Ah. Hard to keep my glass half full when my rock, my best friend, is in severe pain radiating from his tummy. He was in so much pain he actually missed work on Friday. He never does that. He went to the doctor on his own. He never does that. And, therefore, what, me worry? Yes, big time!
So, I ended up laying in ed bed with him most of the day Friday as he caught up on missed sleep. I listened to a book and ended up not doing a single bit of exercise! so, not like me! Plus, my shoulder hurt and I felt dead inside. Then I made up for some of it on Saturday by doing my Friday bootcamp and Saturday's and some walking. Then, I was a slug again on Sunday. Ah. Thru all this lots of tears have fallen too.
I'm depressed. I am. I feel I have a right to be, but then I feel guilty about it. I miss my mom. As I miss my mom I miss my sister and brother and I miss my grandparents. Then I think how lucky I was to have known all of my grandparents and to be loved by them. HOw lucky I was to have a sister and brother who (whom?) I loved, but was also friends with. How I had a mom who alternately drove me crazy and made me proud! How good it was to be loved by her. How I made her proud. Then I just crry can cry and cry! If she were here, what would she say to me? She'd probably say it is OK to cry Missy, but try your best to look at and count your blessings. Keep a positive attitude because that is what you do have.Daddy and I taught you that. But, it's OK to cry and miss me. I miss you too! Does she live on in my heart? Of course she does. She lives on in my mirror if I could see myself. I have wonderful memories. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Trust me, I know the platitudes. I've heard them all. I'm still sad, so very sad.
So, I just want to apologize to all my teams for being MIA and for slacking on the challenges. I'm going to do my best to do some cactching up today and tomorrow for the BLC challenge. I'll pay attention to my Winter into Spring 5% challenge more. I'm sorry. I am not able to just bounce back into my life. It is all I can do to do my work that I get paid for! Please bear with me. I am struggling.
*I'm a Spark member! I have these wonderful friends I've never even met who are here to cheer me on, to encourage me, to support me! I have these Spark friends who do seem to love and care for me and do understand.
*I have a great husband. He is sick, but he will get well again. We will live happily ever after or at least until that dreaded time comes! Right now, for today, he loves me, he holds me when I cry, he is here for me.
*We both have good jobs. Jobs that we can get away from if we must. Jobs that allow us to live comfortably in a warm house and eat good food.
*I have a wonderful and good dog who is my companion and friend and baby boy. He watches over me and makes sure no one hurts me. He loves to snuggle and that is a great thing right now.
*I have my nephew who is turning out great. He is so much like his mother that he never really knew. he's a good kid and I love him.
*I have my dad who didn't contribute to the making of me biologically speaking, but is the only dad I know and loves me and has raised me like my mom with a positive attitude about life. He's funny and he occasionally shares his sadness with me and I'm glad of that even if it makes me sadder.
*Life is good even when I don't feel happy or even satisfied with it
*We are leaving for a cruise in 12 days! WooHoo!
*I caught up with my work alot this weekend! I am grateful I was able to do that when feeling so down.
Now I need to get back to a balanced life where I am exercising and eating good and working all at once! I can do it. I've done it. Life is good.