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Wrong Impression, Guilt & Apologies

Monday, February 18, 2013

I gave a wrong impression on my Valentine To Me blog! I am proud of me, don't get me wrong. I am managing, but not well. Maybe not as well as I implied....

I feel guilty. Real guilty. I am an exercise nut. those of you who are my close Spark friends know that. Those of you who have been on challenges with me know that. But, for this weekend's BLC FOCUS challenge I suck. I skipped 2 whole days of exercise! 2 days! I haven't tracked my food like I always do and I've been somewhat of a hermit. I need my exercise, I need to track and I need my Spark friends, and thus the guilt i feel! I'm letting my team down, but even worse I am letting me down! My husband has been very sick and that has had me worried. As you can imagine, even more worried than most with my history of deaths around me! Yes, I catastrophize with the best of them! I know it is supposed to be irrational thinking, but every time a new death occurs I go thru a period of thinking the worst of every worse case scenario. It should be funny the way things go so badly in my mind, but it is not. It feels real and it feels real scary. Just so you know, my husband is sick, but he is not dying. At least that is what the doctor said, but I'm still worrying thinking they may have missed something. Ah. Hard to keep my glass half full when my rock, my best friend, is in severe pain radiating from his tummy. He was in so much pain he actually missed work on Friday. He never does that. He went to the doctor on his own. He never does that. And, therefore, what, me worry? Yes, big time!

So, I ended up laying in ed bed with him most of the day Friday as he caught up on missed sleep. I listened to a book and ended up not doing a single bit of exercise! so, not like me! Plus, my shoulder hurt and I felt dead inside. Then I made up for some of it on Saturday by doing my Friday bootcamp and Saturday's and some walking. Then, I was a slug again on Sunday. Ah. Thru all this lots of tears have fallen too.

I'm depressed. I am. I feel I have a right to be, but then I feel guilty about it. I miss my mom. As I miss my mom I miss my sister and brother and I miss my grandparents. Then I think how lucky I was to have known all of my grandparents and to be loved by them. HOw lucky I was to have a sister and brother who (whom?) I loved, but was also friends with. How I had a mom who alternately drove me crazy and made me proud! How good it was to be loved by her. How I made her proud. Then I just crry can cry and cry! If she were here, what would she say to me? She'd probably say it is OK to cry Missy, but try your best to look at and count your blessings. Keep a positive attitude because that is what you do have.Daddy and I taught you that. But, it's OK to cry and miss me. I miss you too! Does she live on in my heart? Of course she does. She lives on in my mirror if I could see myself. I have wonderful memories. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Trust me, I know the platitudes. I've heard them all. I'm still sad, so very sad.

So, I just want to apologize to all my teams for being MIA and for slacking on the challenges. I'm going to do my best to do some cactching up today and tomorrow for the BLC challenge. I'll pay attention to my Winter into Spring 5% challenge more. I'm sorry. I am not able to just bounce back into my life. It is all I can do to do my work that I get paid for! Please bear with me. I am struggling.

*I'm a Spark member! I have these wonderful friends I've never even met who are here to cheer me on, to encourage me, to support me! I have these Spark friends who do seem to love and care for me and do understand.
*I have a great husband. He is sick, but he will get well again. We will live happily ever after or at least until that dreaded time comes! Right now, for today, he loves me, he holds me when I cry, he is here for me.
*We both have good jobs. Jobs that we can get away from if we must. Jobs that allow us to live comfortably in a warm house and eat good food.
*I have a wonderful and good dog who is my companion and friend and baby boy. He watches over me and makes sure no one hurts me. He loves to snuggle and that is a great thing right now.
*I have my nephew who is turning out great. He is so much like his mother that he never really knew. he's a good kid and I love him.
*I have my dad who didn't contribute to the making of me biologically speaking, but is the only dad I know and loves me and has raised me like my mom with a positive attitude about life. He's funny and he occasionally shares his sadness with me and I'm glad of that even if it makes me sadder.
*Life is good even when I don't feel happy or even satisfied with it
*We are leaving for a cruise in 12 days! WooHoo!
*I caught up with my work alot this weekend! I am grateful I was able to do that when feeling so down.

Now I need to get back to a balanced life where I am exercising and eating good and working all at once! I can do it. I've done it. Life is good.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    its been almost 2 years since I lost my mom and I fear that bad things are going to happen everytime someone i care about gets sick. its hard to loose someone you love, especially when they are so young.
    you are right to celebrate the good times you had with your family and cherish them because in the end those are what matter the most.
    its ok to be sad rather its been a week or 20 years they had a place in your heart and a part of you will always be lost without them. living on for them is what we must do. hope your husband gets to feeling better soon. the sun will shine soon again
    1858 days ago
    1858 days ago
  • 2BEHEALTHY2014
    I completely understand your fear and your sadness. You are entitled to have sad days, and days tht you don't exercise. Take care of your hubby,and don't forget to see care of my friend Melissa too. Sending hugs your way.
    1858 days ago
    Sometimes, life doesn't go as planned. And I think you know that as well as anyone else. So if you need to stay with your hubby all day, then do it. I bet anyone who has gone through your aches and pains would be concerned about every serious illness that has come up. And I am sure your husband has known that maybe you going to the doctor with him would likely stress you out. And really, don't feel guilty, it's okay to miss 2 workouts. Instead, if it feels like your going to miss one, jump up and do 25 jumping jacks, or walk up and down your street one time. Remember, the biggest thing is to be moving. It doesn't have to be serious cardio or muscle ripping body strength every time. And remember it never hurts to take time out for yourself. emoticon Remember that sometimes, bad happens to good people, and it is no way shape or form our fault. The world is both good and bad, and if we must drudge through the bad to keep and value our good, then drudge on, girl. The best is at the end of the storm. emoticon
    1858 days ago
    Melissa, I am still praying for you!

    1858 days ago
    It's ok to take exercise breaks! You wrote that you ate depressed - maybe a therapist would help? Or, a talk with your Doctor??
    1858 days ago
    You are grieving - and it is different for everyone. I know you can handle this. You will make it through to the other side. I know it. Just put one foot in front of each other.

    We are here for you.
    1859 days ago
    Melissa, grieving is normal and natural and should not induce guilt!!!!! You're not letting anybody down.

    Please don't be so hard on yourself.

    You were already in the grief process, then your husband gets sick. Of course, you deviated from your normal routine! I would have been wondering about you if you had merely carried on with business as usual!!!!

    Missing two days of exercise is not the end of the world. I repeat: missing two days of exercise will not cause the planet to spin off its axis!!!!! When your husband starts to feel better and your worry subsides and you get farther along your grief journey, you will gradually get back on track with your exercise and tracking and everything else.

    In the meantime, be kinder to yourself!
    1859 days ago
  • BEEJAY49
    You shouldn't feel guilty for feeling sad, missing your workouts or crying! You've been through a lot and you need this from time to time. Depression really sucks and I can attest to that! You have your loving husband, nephew, daddy and all of us! When you need an extra rock we are all here for you! It won't make things go away, but when you get away on your cruise, you will feel more relaxed and maybe a little better. Sometimes it just takes a get away to help us through. Love you bunches! HUGS!
    1859 days ago
  • CIPHER1971
    1859 days ago
    Can I call you that? I am NOT your mom--just a Spark friend who has only know you as a cyber friend about 6 months, but I am a pastor's wife for many years now so I have helped many people with such problems as you mention. SparkMail me if you need to but it seems to me that you have just about worked through these things yourself and are now on the road to healing.
    The very fact that you are beginning to talk about exercising and eating right is a huge step in the right direction. Exercise will get the endorphins moving and eating right will give you energy to keep going.
    I think you will be fine. You have faced many hardships in the past--you mentioned that you went blind as an adolescent- that had to be very hard and you jumped that hurdle. I am sure you will jump this one too.
    You are a very strong woman and you just need to lean on God. He has all the strength that you need for this time.
    God bless you Melissa. You are on the road to recovery, not to say you won't still have times of crying-but you will be fine--you are woman--you are strong.

    1859 days ago
    It sounds like you've been through a lot! Whenever you feel guilty, you should refer to the awesome list of blessings you made at the bottom of your post, it sounds like you have much to be thankful for :) Also, imo, you should really try and work on the guilt thing...missing workouts isn't the end of the world, especially since you said you ended up working out a couple days after. That's WAY more than I can say for myself. So, keep your chin up and don't let that guilt weigh you down emoticon
    1859 days ago
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