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Monday, February 18, 2013

So this has been the hardest couple of weeks of my life. My husband and I, after 8 weeks, found out our baby did not have a heartbeat and I have since miscarried our little angel.

Well - here I am - I have spent the past week in the most horrible physical & emotional pain I have ever experienced so I did what I always do - I ate away my feelings of loss & being pissed at the world.

But this morning I woke up, ready to take back my life from the pain. I am still upset, I always will be. I will always think about what could have been but I can't change anything. It is so hard for me - an absolute control freak - to believe I didn't do anything to cause this or that If I had just done something different I could have changed this outcome. The guilt is heavy and no matter how many people say things just happen I can't bring myself to believe it - but I can't keep eating my feelings away - it isn't helping anyone.

So this morning I put on some workout clothes and started walking...just walking...with my ipod blaring Beyonce I shut out everything and just walked. Once day at a time right?

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Sweetheart I am terribly sorry as a woman who has tried for a while and got "hopes up" and brought back down I understand.

    I know it doesn't help take away the pain.

    Hang in there I too and trying my best w/Spark health and pray one day with lots of prayers God will place a baby in my life ( I am not getting any younger)
    1826 days ago
    I am SO sorry......((((((hugs)))))))))
    1827 days ago
    Sorry for your loss!
    1827 days ago
    So very sorry for your loss

    1828 days ago
    Yes, one day at a time. I'm very sorry for your loss emoticon . This too, shall pass. emoticon
    1828 days ago
  • LYNSEY723
    My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through. If you need someone to vent to or a "shoulder" to cry on, I am only an email away.

    1828 days ago

    one day at a time is exactly right. sending good juju your way.
    1828 days ago
    I am so sorry for your loss, and know exactly how you feel. I, too, lost 2 babies and it tears your heart out. Of course I thought it was my fault too, that there was something I did or didn't do. That was 5 year ago. I now have the most amazing 3 (almost 4) year old little boy that wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the heartache that came before him. With time, you will start to feel better. It's a greiving process and you need to allow yourself to go through it. And it sounds like now you're ready to take on the world again. Wishing you the best of luck! emoticon
    1828 days ago
  • GUCCI9300
    Thank you so much everyone - the support on here is so helpful right now!! emoticon
    1828 days ago
    emoticon Prayers for you dear sister.

    Glad to see you back here picking up the pieces. Sending you hot tea, hugs and blessings!
    1828 days ago
  • INDNANNA1979
    I'm so sorry for your loss! I know there is nothing I could say to take the pain away but I'm glad to hear you are picking yourself back up. emoticon
    1828 days ago
  • RX_2_RV
    Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way... emoticon
    Be strong, but remember to be gentle with yourself too.
    1828 days ago
    I am so terribly sorry to hear this news. There is nothing to say to make it better. With time I hope you find peace. I AM glad to see you back and ready to work toward positivity for yourself. One day at a time, doing what you can, for will get there.
    Best wishes to you.
    1828 days ago
    A million hugs I send you, though it could never be enough for the pain you are feeling. I wishI could say something that would make it all better, but I can't. Just feel what you are feeling. Get a punching bag and take your anger out on it. Go for a run and let the wind blow feelings away if only for that moment. And keep blogging, we will listen to every angry and hurt word you say and we will not judge.
    1828 days ago
    I"m so glad to see you back.... I can't even pretend to imagine I understand your pain because I don't. But all I can say is I am hear for you every step of the way... and if you dont wanna hear one word about babies for awhile, I sure can fill your ears up about fitness & nutrition & sparking too! Those first few steps you took were so important Steph.
    1828 days ago
    Go buy the book "The Shack" and read it.

    I am sorry for your pain. I understand. You don't get over it, but it does get easier to live with after awhile.

    Also, do you live anywhere near and Angel of Hope? (Google it). I visit every december to remember with a white rose and a few hundred friends that understand.

    Hang in there. Sorry for your loss.

    Your angel is in good hands.
    1828 days ago
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