Monday, February 18, 2013
The weekend went really well and DH and I had a great time with the grandson. We wore the little guy out with countless hours of Lego, block and Lincoln Log building, hide & seek with Cinnamon our dog, storybooks, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse & Jake and the Neverland Pirate games, Pin the Tail on the Dragon, Thomas the Train Adventures, Playdoh creations, kid flicks, and more. All in all I have been fortunate to enjoy a lot of time with the little guy this past week. Midterm exams for my daughter have been in effect and her boyfriend was working extra hours so things worked in my favor. I enjoyed every moment with him even though there were other factors in play. I put off until now expressing them. I didnít want to allow these issues to bring me down completely so that it would affect my time with my grandson, although I did allowed myself to cry in private.
My relationship with my daughter I believe has hit an all-time low. To be honest I am not sure how much lower it can get at this rate. I donít think there is anywhere left for her and I to go. I found out this week that she was diagnosed weeks ago with Basil Cell Skin Cancer on her back, a rather large area in fact. She informed her dad when she went for the biopsy as well as when she received the results. She demanded that he NOT TELL ME. He did tell me eventually BUT only after weeks had pass and with the promise that I NOT say anything to her. This has hit close to home as I was diagnosed with the same cancer on my upper cheek 2 years ago this May. A large chunk of my cheek was removed at that time so I know firsthand what she is feeling at this point (scared) as well as what she will go through procedure wise. Even though Basel cell is most usually benign it is scary nonetheless because of how far and deep it can spread under the skin.
In the last few years my daughter has had visits to the ER for various matters (ovarian cysts, UTI and a broken ankle) in which her dad and I were informed after the fact. Nonetheless she has ALWAYS told us of a medical issue. Now however she is going as far as to inform only her father of such things but NOT ME. Which of course leaves me to seriously wonder where is there left to go concerning our relationship. If she is out and out refusing to tell me of a medical concern as well as to place her dad in a position of hiding information from me than I am really left with no choice but to consider our relationship done. I mean what else is there? I can imagine the defenses she might wish to entertain for doing such a thing but seriously none of them are reasonable. In my opinion there is no excuse under Godís heaven to warrant withholding medical concerns from a parent unless said parent is neglectful, abusive or absent from oneís life which does not in any way describe me.
(insert tearsÖ many)
Frankly, I am tired. Completely worn out, body and heart. Her continued actions and words hurt me so much. 15 years of abusive behavior with no end in sight. I have tried EVERYTHING! Everything I can think of to reason with her, to understand her, to try and figure out WHY she insists on treating me this way. I am not perfect and have never professed to be even close but if there is an all-around guide to being the BEST MOM, I have certainly tried to be as close to that example as I can get. So why does she insist I am NOT a good mother? NOT good enough for her? To her I am some sort of horrid, worthless, evil, crazy person that doesnít deserve a kind word, or respect even to the smallest degree. I have never used drugs, drank, slept around, neglected, nor abused her in any way, shape or form. I have been there for every hug, kiss, story time, art & craft project, cooking lesson, playground fun, movie, ouchy, illness, social issue, school event, bad dream, tear, girl scout meeting, choir practice, bug bite, smile, church function, sleep-over, birthday party, vacation, conversation, melt down, as well as have supported, and provided her most everything she has desired that her father and I could afford. In the end I did do 3 things wrong and regret them immensely.
I have given her way too much.
I have allowed her to get away with nearly everything.
And I gave up my life (wants, needs and desires) to accommodate hers.
Obviously I realized these things way too late nevertheless none of them I believe are reasons to hate and abuse someone. I have put forth my whole heart and soul into her, my only child and yet she despises me with a passion. I can understand her being spoiled, I can seriously get that but not her utter distaste for me, her mother. I just canít wrap my head around that no matter how much I try. I am frustrated that I canít find a solution. She has pushed me so far out of her life, only using me for her sonís care whenever the need arises, and now she wonít even clue me in on her medical issues. Her live-in boyfriend, father, friends and even coworkers can know all about everything but NOT ME. The one person who has cared for her every solitary second of her life as well as throughout every illness and boo boo she has even had. That says A LOT! It says too much in my book. Do I seriously need to be knocked completely out for me to understand she does not want me to be a part of her lifeÖ PERIOD
So much pain, heartache, grief andÖ tears. And the stress is unimaginable.