Monday, February 18, 2013
I am distraught. Yesterday, I did what I've been thinking of doing for, oh probably years, and quit the local theatre ensemble I have been working with (volunteer) for 8 years. I have not gotten any enjoyment out of it in some time, but I guess I kept going because I was trying to get that enjoyment back. I'm an ok actor but haven't acted in awhile because of my body image issues. I have some really great directorial visions but I'm not assertive enough to get what I want out of opinionated actors. What I was really trying to do though, was improve the company's visual presence. My degree is in graphic design and I really am quite talented artistically (not trying to sound braggy there) but I'm not a practicing designer because of my lack of assertiveness, basically.
The posters, website, and other graphic communication for this theatre group has not been good (to say the least) - very amateur, glaring design no-nos, poor color choices, etc., which really makes us look like a bunch of high school kids. There has been talk forever about how to get taken more seriously as a theatre and the visual presence we put out there in the community is a huge part of that. I don't feel like I should have to be begging these people to let me do their graphic design for free, but that is what has been happening. They would rather let their friends or girlfriends do it or do it themselves because they think they can do everything. I say, focus on what you are great at - acting - and let the fat girl who doesn't want to be seen on stage anymore take care of your graphics.
But no. After a meeting yesterday where the other design-minded artistic people said yes, my poster design was head and shoulders above one of the producer's girlfriend's which, I'm sorry, was just not good at all, the production staff still chose hers, so I decided I'd had enough.
I did that thing that I know every single one of us has always wanted to do - march into our boss's office and let them have it, a bunch of explosive swearing ended with a giant I QUIT. Maybe I've burned some bridges, but I'd had it with trying to be diplomatic with these people. Honestly, they were really not that great of bridges anyway.
Still, I feel like I would imagine a woman might feel after finally having the nerve to leave her abusive boyfriend (I've fortunately never had to go through that and I am not trying to downplay the experience of anyone who has): liberated but a little scared, heartbroken because she really did love him, she just wanted him to be like he was before he started being abusive but she finally realized that wasn't going to happen.
A huge part of me is gone now. But that just means I have room to fill it up with something else now. Just not sure what that something is yet.