So today's SparkCoach Visualization was all about the negative thoughts and emotions of the past week and what can be done if you can let go of all the negativity..
I think of the last week and how sick I was with stress over the Apartment Inspection we have annually.. people that know me from the various teams are probably sick of me talking about it.. but I was so scared.. and not just that we wouldn't pass.. I thought I wouldn't be able to punch through it and do my part and support my SO, Roger.. and then what his reaction would be afterward. I didn't want to make promises, so I kept my tongue in my head, and at one point he said resignedly "That's okay.. I'll just do it myself.. don't worry about it" Which made me feel like absolute gutter slime.
I've known that we passed for two days now, but the fear and dread hung over my and threatens to come back when I think about how I felt. At around 3 this morning I had a breakthrough and decided that my six word affirmation for today was "Perfect Love Casts Out All Fear" and remembering that seems to help in a way that telling myself I was being irrational just wasn't cutting it.
The other negativity I need to let go of today revolves around defending SparkPeople on a thread for needing to start charging a one-time fee for their iPhone and Android apps. I said my piece. I didn't think the other people on the SparkPeople message board would like it. I was right. I don't need to defend myself further.. actually that' right.. the next post made it about how I was reactionary.. so I would be defending myself and not my opinion.. and my opinion is okay, just as it is, even though it doesn't agree with theirs and I guess I started it, because I said I felt they were throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Which I guess is a bit personal as well. Still realizing that makes me feel better. I don't have to defend my opinion. It is valid just as it is.
What I can do without my fear and negativity?
Cleaning the apartment is actually loads easier when I'm not scared of some huge judgement or being written up if I do it wrong. I can focus on other things if I can leave the fear that did happen, in the past where it belongs. And I can be free to enjoy other posts and friendships than that one negative experience. In cool news, one of my life goals on my bucket list was to someday attend an anime convention in cosplay (costume play). Roger says that if I go to this horror convention with him and Marissa, that he will go to the anime convention with me next year....
I asked him if I can choose a different year.. It will take me over two years to get down to my ideal weight, even if everything goes according to schedule (which it never does). I don't have to be at my goal weight, but I have no idea how far I'll be next year or what I'll look like.. so I'd like it to at least be the year after next. That will also give me time to save up my pennies for a costume. I want to to be at least a "getting close to the goal weight" reward, since it would be such a rockin' one. That also gives me time to have my strength exercises firmly in place and in use for about a year..
So much good is in the world to seize, if I can only let go of the negative, because, oddly enough.. I can't seem to hold onto both at the same time