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I'm just too tired


Sunday, February 17, 2013

I really don't know if I've got any fight left in me anymore.

I've been trying for a month now. I've ended up sick and in pain for over half of it. The pain in my stomach has been almost unbearable.

But I've been fighting through it. I know what the cause of the pain is - at least a HUGE part of it anyway.

I got a phone call on Friday night. For those of you who don't know, Friday was my 40th birthday. It was tough enough - mainly because of everything that's been going on for the past 5 months. First I lost my brother. Then a very close friend of the family - like another grandmother. My cousins lost their child - he only survived for 10days and couldn't hold on. My grandfather died a week later.

Anyhow I've been trying to pull myself out of this rut of depression I've been falling into. Then I got that stupid phone call. It was my mother. I thought it was birthday wishes. Nope. Wrong again. My nephew passed away. On my birthday.

I just can't do this right now. I'm fried. I haven't been able to deal with my severe mood swings for the past few days. I find myself getting angry with Hubby because he can't seem to understand I need some time alone. It's not that I don't want to be with him. I need some time to grieve - to work through these losses. It's becoming a fight. I just can't hold it together anymore. I can't keep pretending everything's okay.

No wonder my stomach won't stop hurting.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
NOTSPEEDY 2/20/2013 11:28AM

    I am so sorry to hear about the difficulties you are going through. I'll keep you in my prayers.
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JLDACQ 2/19/2013 10:23AM

    Sometimes the fight isn't what it's all about, sometimes major changes in our lives offer us the chance to reflect, to consider, and to re-evaluate our situation in life, including motivations, dreams and purpose in life.

I am so sorry to learn of all the souls who have left you recently. This is hard to deal with, every loss we experience seems to get harder on our heads. Try to take the time to rest yours a little every night, and although you would like some alone time, remember that Hubby might need some time with you to grieve, too.

*hugs*

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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LINDAF49 2/18/2013 9:42PM

    Praying for your strength and for those near to truly come along beside you and BE THERE for you and be sure to accept their offers to so something...so many times we don;t know how to ask...the few that do say What can i do ? tell them to come tomorrow morning and watch you do your laundry, or wash your dishes or come drive me to the grocery store just so you have someone beside you...I am so sorry we are all so far away...we can care and we can pray but our bodies can't be there for you...Call you best friend that you can talk to and just say would you line out some one to come help me for one hour each of the next few days ... Pick up the mail, write the cards, freshen the flowers, make notes of how to take care of plants you may have gotten ...all these details that brain is just not into...Also tell them you are trying to loose weight or that you need some one to do your work out with you, go to the gym or just get you out of the house to walk... Talk...cry...vent...and ask for help!!! take good care of you and keep us updated...Linda in Washington state...also have lost loved ones.

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GRAMMACATHY 2/18/2013 8:14PM

    Lighting a candle for you for finding coping and peace and for your loved ones and their family. May you find strength in your loved ones.

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MYRTLE811 2/18/2013 7:49PM

  When blockbusters like this string of deaths hits you, you need to go into the one day at a time mode and ask for all the support you can get. Unfortunately, those we love sometimes don't know what we need in these moments, so we do have to tell them. Let your friends and relatives know what you need to get through these days; ask for help and support.
You have received such awful news lately and all of it is hard to digest. No wonder you feel the way you do. Acknowledge it to yourself, cry as you need to and get enough rest as well.
I'm sure you are trying to help others who have suffered these losses as well; don't forget to help yourself because unless you do you can't help anyone else.
Take care and I'm so sorry about your losses.

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ISAVEDME80 2/18/2013 6:43PM

    you are in my prayers. I wish I had a way to give you a hug to let you know that you are not alone, please try to rest with the thought that your loved ones are in Heaven now with those we all loved and have lost, I know those feelings and its okay. get angry, vent, its the only thing that going to help keep you sane right now, it feels like someone ripped the world apart when you loose someone you love, and time doesn't do much to help but you do get stronger and cry less and eventually come to see that they are in a better place and healthy. My mom is up in heaven right now and Im sure she is meeting up with your lost loved ones and welcoming them and teaching them the ropes.
hang in there

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WARMSPRINGDAY 2/18/2013 12:06PM

    emoticon I care

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SPARKLISE 2/18/2013 10:24AM

    So sorry for your loss! emoticon emoticon

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MTNGRL 2/18/2013 9:13AM

    Your emotions are raw right now. This is a lot for any one to handle. I am so sorry you are going through this and very sorry for your loss. If you need a friend to talk with just sent me a message. Otherwise, feel the love that we are sending to you. Hugs.

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CDCSMITH2013 2/18/2013 8:05AM

    So sorry for all you are dealing with at the moment. It's not fair and at some point, I think just wanting to throw in the towel, is normal. I don't have any advice. It does seem like having someone to talk with that isn't keen on trying to "fix" the situation (I think that might be what your hubby is trying to do) would be good though.


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LOLABLACK69 2/18/2013 4:34AM

    I'm so sorry for your lose. Hang in there. Give yourself time to grieve and to heal as much as you can, and just keep on fighting. I can't imagine how hard it must be, but stay strong and believe in yourself.
I'm sure I'm not wrong when I say - we're here for you also.
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NADINEL 2/18/2013 2:13AM

    I am so very sorry for all your losses. You have much to grieve about. Perhaps just tell hubby you love him and what you need from him and for yourself. He may just want to help you. Talking to him will help.
Perhaps just log your food in will help you keep a "holding pattern" until you are able to deal with this again. Be kind to yourself and stay away from trigger foods. It will only make you feel worse; perhaps physically sick, too. What does doctor say about the stomach pain? I am praying for you and your family. emoticon

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GZELLEFRO 2/18/2013 12:05AM

    There are no words that will make you feel better. I am sorry, I know it's insufficient. It's going to take some time. Maybe a little fresh air or exercise will help you work through it, or give you a way to vent your frustrations. maybe a change of scenery. It's okay to let it all go and cry, if you can. I would check with my doctor too. Maybe he/she can get you something that will help.

Don't give up. You will come through this and be stronger for it. I pray that you'll be okay. God's blessings and peace are coming your way from Missouri. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JUSTME29 2/18/2013 12:00AM

    Some people need to be alone to greive. Tell him that. But not for too long then lean on him. I am so sorry for your loss.

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LITTLE_QUEEN 2/17/2013 10:46PM

    I THINK HE PROBABLY UNDERSTANDS THAT YOU ARE HURTING, BUT DOES NOT PROBABLY NOW HOW TO HELP YOU AND YOU ARE MAYBE SO DEPRESSED THAT YOU MAY BE BLOCKING HIM FROM HELPING YOU, LET HIM BE THERE TO HELP UNLOAD SOME OF THE PAIN OFF YOUR SHOULDERS
WE LOVE YA

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PINKNFITCARLA 2/17/2013 9:20PM

    emoticon That is a lot for anyone to go through. It will take time to be able to process and grieve.

I'm sorry you had yet another loss on your birthday :-(

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MOMMY2MADILYN 2/17/2013 8:40PM

    I am SO SO Sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sending you huge emoticon . I know that you feel like you need time alone right now, but (like others here have said) make sure you are talking to someone. Please be kind to yourself right now. I will be keeping you in my thoughts.

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MT-MOONCHASER 2/17/2013 7:56PM

    emoticon

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ANGELA76H 2/17/2013 7:50PM

    Very sorry for all of these losses that you are going through...please know I am thinking of you! Take care of yourself!

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HAPPY_AS_IS 2/17/2013 7:48PM

    I am soooo sorry for your lose!!!! Please hang in there. I know you can do it.

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SOKKERNUT 2/17/2013 7:12PM

    I totally agree with TCANNO doll. You can't hold it all in. I am sure you are the one that is there for everyone, let someone be there for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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TCANNO 2/17/2013 6:32PM

    No everything is not ok and you need a friend to talk to one who will listen and let you spill it out.

I went through this about six years ago when my father died. I was luck I have a very good friend who let me ramble on for near three weeks. I was able to get over it and move on. I am sure that you will in the end. Just take on day at a time





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