Sunday, February 17, 2013
Yeah, you read that title right.And I think because of that, there may be a few more people who clicked on this who aren't familiar with me so I'll give a little background in a second. To those of you I know from around this site, I just want to thank you all again. The connections I've made on Spark have helped me both get healthier, and also retain my sanity.
Anyway, at my college we have this big 4 day party where we even get classes canceled Thurs and Fri. Now as you can expect, us college kids quickly turned this tradition into one of drinking. I was planning on drinking and partying it up like a college student, but also to eat right and try to minimize the damage.
Well that failed the first night. Now, I had so much fun partying with friends, I don't regret any of it except my binge eating. We would have made John Belushi from Animal House proud. And no one clame close to driving or did anything they regretted when they looked back on it in the morning, besides maybe feeling a bit foolish in hindsight.
So first night, I got back from the All-Nighter, this thing's kick-off. And I freaking went off on my go to binge food. Cereal and bland carbs. Killed half a box of frosted flakes, then got upset there wasn't more and raided pantries for a while and grabbed some more.
Woke up in the morning upset, I had a good time, why did I need to ruin it when I got back? Ate some oatmeal and cottage cheese in the morning, and then realized I was still hungry. Aw well, made myself an egg sandwhich with cheese. Then was still genuinly hungry. So I made a real sandwhich, loaded with meat. Then a peanut butter and banana sandwhich. Then I was in full binge mode again. Multiple toast, butter, and jam since those were easy to make. Angry at myself once again, I feel this was point I gave up trying to stop myself.
Had a blast at our own party that night. Wasn't able to binge since we were up til 7am haha. Next day went out, had a good time, and then came back and attacked a pint of ice cream and some cliff bars because there wasn't anything else sweet in the house.
4th night I don't even know, It was like I forced myself to "enjoy" myself and binge on this eating right vacation. Loads of Trail mix, peanut butter and whip cream sandwhich. Jam out of the jar... i litteraly ate all the sane things to snack on and started coming up with my own.
But you know what? Even doing about a month of damage between the fat put on, muscle lost, and bodily damage from copious alcohol: I think it'll be good for me in the long run.
See- I did what the monster inside me was trying to get at with my weekly/bi-weekly binging cycle: I ate until I didn't want to eat any more. Every other time I binged, no matter how much I consciously wanted to stop, or how bad physically and mentally I felt in the morning, in the moment of eating there was a strong part that wanted nothing other than to conitnue and keep going.
Now, a few things lead to another in my thoughts this last week, and I realized my eating healthy doesn't have to be about losing fat or gaining muscle. What if I just made it about feeling better, and enjoying myself?
I don't enjoy myself on this cycle of binginging and cutting I've been on. I think I can eat sanely now.
Like this Wednesday, i went out for pizza, and had 2 slices of thin crust Greek with olive oil. It was delicious, and old me would have wanted the whole thing becuase it was a bit of a trigger. But I didn't even have to white knuckle it not to grab the thrid piece. I knew I was good there.
Last night, I had a single piece of chocolate offered to me, and didn't have to stop myself from grabbing more even tho they were within arm's reach.
I think I finally have it figured out. I also understand that being nice and full is bad for me. So I'll be planning smaller meals, and then making up the difference with whatever I want. There are crrently 4 bags of homemade Valetines treats on our table, and I honestly have no urge to grab any. My head's in the right place, and I know that the sugar in them isn't gonna make me happy, so I don't need to grab one. I don't even have to force myself not too.
I might grab a cookie after I lift during the week with my protein/milk just to see what they taste like.
So, even tho My weight balanced out at a solid 4 pounds over where I was before this all began, I think I finally figured out enough about myself to break my binging cycle. If I've done that, I'll be better off in a month physically. Better now mentally :)
I'm sorry this doesn't make much sense, most of it is all a flow of thoughts in my head, but trust me when I say I think I'll finally be able to eat like a normal person. Eat healthy when I'm hungry, not over indulge on sweets, and not have to force myself to do any of that. It'll just come naturally. This week's been good to get back on track. Now I'll see hoe it goes next week. Gonna go oven cook some General Tso's chicken. Yes, even with a little of the sugary sauce. And it won't bother me in any way, shape, or form.