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2/17/13 (ranting and raving)

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Okay, so I will warn you now that this is a bit of a downer blog. I'm feeling just down and out of it. And I am well aware this is a blog I probably shouldn't be writing as team leader in the BLC. But I'm human. I have issues and I need help. I need support, too. Honestly, I'm at the point where I really want to give up on trying to lose weight and be healthy. Every time I try, I fail. My motivational things that I do don't work. I've told you all about the collages that I have on my walls and the picture of the wedding dress I want on my fridge, and none of it stops me from the bad things that I do. I still graze in the fridge, I still eat food I shouldn't be eating, I over eat on the things that I should be eating, I skip workouts, granted this week was excused due to illness. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I keep trying and I keep hitting my head against a brick wall. So I just don't know anymore. I'm not giving up yet, but I am sorely tempted to. I'm almost back up to the 280s and that scares and pisses me off to no end. I used to be 239 and here I am back almost to where I first started. What is my problem? I just don't get it!

One of the challenges this week for the BLC was to write two blogs about 10 things I like about myself. I skipped this challenge because there's not a lot I like about me right now. I don't try like I'm supposed to. I don't make progress. Pretty much the only thing I like about me is my eyes because they're unique. There's one. I guess one other is the fact that I'm still going even though I'm down and kind of out. So I have two out of 10. Better than zero, I guess.

Well, I guess on to my halfway numbers to show my "progress". Overall, I lost 1.25 inches on my body in the last 4 weeks. And I've gained 2.8 pounds. Well, here they are. Weight: 279.2 (+2.8) Waist: 46 (-.5) Hips: 50.5 (-.5) Neck: 15 (0) Chest: 44 (0) Thigh: 30 (-.25) Calf: 19.5 (+.5) Forearm: 11.5 (-.5) Upper Arm: 17 (0) BMI: 48 (+.4) Body Fat: 58.4% (-.9%)

There we have it. I think that's it for this blog. Except for the fact that my dog is losing weight and doing well. She's doing better than me. I wish I could lose weight like her. Well, if I put the fork down once in a while I might. Anyway. Have a good week, everyone. I wish you all the best of luck.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Im going to add something to your list. #4 you put yourself out there and can be vulberable. I admire that you signed up to be team leader and contonue to be supportive of everyone else even while you might be working through something
    That is pretty amazing
    1831 days ago
  • ANY010113
    1832 days ago
  • 123ELAINE456
    You are accomplishing little things. Like loss inches, walking you dog, etc. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. One step at a time. That will do it. KEEP PUSHING FORWARD!!! God Blessings to You and Everyone. Have a Super Good President Day. Take Care. Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    1833 days ago
    I can completely relate. I was in the same boat many times (sometimes I hop back in, for whatever reason). It happens. We can't be so hard on ourselves that we get ourselves so down and feeling like failures, otherwise we're allowing ourselves to fail. So, you slipped up this meal? Make a better choice next meal. I've learned that everything is a choice. It doesn't have to mean you throw away an entire day because of one little indulgence or slip up, the next choice that comes up- make it a good one! You're obviously in a better place than you were, because you're being honest with yourself about what is the problem and what you need to do to fix it. It took me a long time to get there, and I was in denial for a long time. That whole "admitting there's a problem is the first step" is true for weight loss, too. Recognize your weak spots, and start working on them. Instead of taking an "all or nothing" mentality, just take small steps. Work on the first thing on your list this week, or this month, instead of all of them. You can do this!

    Recently, I've totally adopted this mindset- I'm tired of starting over, so I'm done quitting! (Starting over is always the hardest part, and I don't want to do that anymore.. so I'm done quitting, and done starting over).

    Best of luck to you, and if you ever need to vent or want someone to talk with, I'm here! :]
    1833 days ago
    I'm not going to lie. Your blog is actually inspiring to me and here's why: I have a tendency to sugar coat everything. I stay positive about stuff to the point where it's borderline delusional, as if somehow not admitting that I'm struggling will mean that it's not true. When I can't figure out a positive spin on something, I'll do my best to avoid it all together without even realizing I'm doing that, and now I'm working my way down from over 300 pounds as a result.

    You haven't done that. You've been real and raw and admitted that you're not where you want to be. You've even put it in a blog where everyone can see. Honestly? Seems like some pretty great leadership to me.

    Now all of that said, my pesky over-positive tendencies do have an upside, and that's that I'm usually not wrong that there's something worth celebrating even in bad situations. For you, ok, so your weight has gone up (an insignificant amount), but your body fat percentage has gone down. That would suggest to me you're building muscle. Also, you didn't go up in measurements. If you're struggling with food and motivation and you STILL didn't get worse? That's a win.

    At any rate, thanks for sharing. I really mean that, because it's shown me that I need to work on sharing too.

    And you definitely can do this.
    1833 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/18/2013 12:55:56 AM
    Im going to add something to your list. #5 you put yourself out there and can be vulberable. I admire that you signed up to be team leader and contonue to be supportive of everyone else even while you might be working through something
    That is pretty amazing
    1833 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/17/2013 10:48:26 PM
    1833 days ago
    Maybe it is time you went back to taking tiny steps again for awhile. You know, rebuild the strong habits and don't worry so much about where it takes you just now.
    1833 days ago
    emoticon Don't give up! I really like the idea about just committing to one small goal at a time (drink 8 glasses of water, etc) and then tackling other small challenges. Every step you take leads towards better health, no matter how long it takes. Stay strong! You are worth it. I know, it's hard. I struggle every day not to eat when I'm not hungry. Something that helps me is just to NOT buy my trigger foods. Then if I end up eating something else it's not really what I wanted, so I don't blow a bunch of calories on something I don't really want. emoticon
    1833 days ago
  • *MAMA*2*BOYS*
    Aw, hun! I'm so sorry you're feeling down about how your journey is going. Being a great leader has nothing to do with perfection, and struggling doesn't make you any less of a leader! You are a beautiful, strong, sweet, helpful, supportive person, and even though it may be difficult for you to see all of your wonderful qualities when you're feeling bad about yourself, it isn't difficult for everyone else to see them!

    I have been where you are at now SO many times before! I admire the fact that you are here blogging these feelings, and not just diving back into all of your old habits, more than you will ever know!

    I really think that the best thing for you at this point is to pick one thing and make it a habit. They (whoever they are) say that it takes 3-4 weeks for something to become a habit. So pick 1 thing. Anything. Track food. Drink 8 glasses of water. 10 minutes of exercise a day. No eating after 8pm. Whatever. Then don't worry about everything else. Just do that one thing consistently. Once that is a habit, try to add another without abandoning the previous one. Yes, weight loss will be slow moving, but you will be making habits that will lead to long term results, and that is what we're all striving for! Eventually, you'll have made all new, healthy habits that will make your weight loss seem natural and not nearly as big of a struggle as it seems now.

    INZILANE added #3 to your list, and I am adding #4.

    You are strong! Being strong doesn't mean you don't ever struggle, being strong means that you are able to admit when you're struggling and need help. Despite feeling like, as a BLC leader, admitting your struggles is a problem, you reached out and posted them. Being able to acknowledge these struggles shows a real strength of character. It would have been so much easier for you to just quit, but you didn't, and that is inspirational to all of the rest of us who, when faced with our own struggles, think that the only thing to do is to throw in the towel!

    You wrote your post thinking that it was a "downer," but I read it and felt inspired by an amazing woman to keep fighting... even when things aren't going well, to never give up! When you wonder if your heart is still in this, just remember: you chose to share your feelings instead of just eating them, and that, my dear friend, is a HUGE step in the right direction!
    1833 days ago
  • MOMMYOF3_1983
    emoticon you can do this !!! I think we all go through lows and just because your a team leader doesn't mean you should be expected to be perfect. Your team is here to help lift you up to !!!! emoticon emoticon
    1833 days ago
    We've all been there and it doesn't make you any better or worse for feeling defeated. And you surely shouldn't let your role as a Team Leader make you feel like you aren't allowed to feel the way you do.

    From what I've seen, you've had a lot of things going on in life that have kind of stacked the deck of stress against you. Stress can cause so many nasty meanie things. It's really setting yourself up for a fall.

    Focus on the little stuff. Screw the scale if it's acting as a demotivator.

    As for things you like about yourself, I think you're feeling really down on yourself right now and it's hard to see the silver lining. There are plenty of amazing things about you, and I bet we could point out at least 10 in no time.

    Here's my contribution:

    #3 (you got #1 & #2 out): You have a great compassion towards other people and animals. You put them ahead of yourself and are genuine with your emotion. You're kind and caring and you have the world's luckiest dog. I'm sure your puppy feels the same way :)
    1833 days ago
    1833 days ago
    We are in similar emotional places today. I too feel like I am hitting a wall over and over and it is in all areas of my life. Sometimes I think I will just burst. Hang in there and send me a line whenever you need to emoticon emoticon
    1833 days ago
  • BLITZ0825
    It's hard to stick to taking care of yourself when everything else is so hard. It's easy to give up, and it's easy to just go back to sitting on the couch all the time. But you need to know that you deserve every bit of care you give yourself. You deserve to succeed. Sometimes it's easier to give up, but you only fail when you stop trying. I tried three or four times before something finally clicked, and I realized that I can do this. Though I'm not there yet, I am on my way. I see my goal clearly in my mind, and I know I'll succeed. You can too. You can! I know it's hard to see right now, but you need to know your success is there waiting for you.

    Keep reaching.


    P.S. I wanted to add something to your list too. Your honesty is admirable. Being honest about your feelings is the hardest, but you did it anyway! I admire your honesty!
    1833 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/18/2013 11:58:48 AM
    OH and I've just been through the wedding weight loss thing. My advice to you on that front is to not let it be a big factor. You're going to be beautiful on your wedding day NO MATTER WHAT. If you manage to lose weight then great but if not, you'll still be beautiful. That's the mindset I ended up in and it takes a lot of the pressure off of yourself which I found helpful for weight loss.
    1833 days ago
    Hey! I was sorry to read your blog and learn that you are feeling down. What I've learned is that we (people in general) are extremely hard on ourselves. When we're down on ourselves, it doesn't really help us to climb our way back out of a funk. In my experience, feeling down on myself makes me make poorer decisions and not exercise.

    I'm SURE you are doing some positive things for your weight loss goals and in general. If your dog is losing weight then you are making an effort to give her the walks that she needs and also some great walking for you too! That is something that you've been succeeding at!

    Good for you!

    1833 days ago
  • ASTRA58
    Give yourself a bit of a break. You've been under an incredible amount of stress the last month. Maybe you are putting way too much pressure on yourself.

    I can only tell you what works for me and that is picking just one thing, such as tracking all the food you eat for one week. You don't even have to make healthy choices, just track every single bite you put into your body, no matter how bad you think it is.

    It sounds like the more that you think you "fail", the more you beat yourself up. Please don't do this to yourself. It is a very destructive path and it always ends up hurting you more. Even the fact that you put the word progress in quotes tells me something right there.

    You HAVE made progress, even if you feel it isn't enough. You've lost inches! That IS something to celebrate. Take any bit of progress, no matter how tiny you feel it is.

    I sense you also may have a bit of the all-or-nothing attitude that used to plague me so much as a perfectionist. If I didn't do everything perfectly, I was a bad and horrible person. Well, I'm not perfect and neither are you, my friend. What's more, I really don't want to be because I was miserable trying to be perfect. So you are having a difficult time right now? Difficult times always suck, but the only defeat you will ever face is the one in your own head if you tell yourself you're bad and you can't do it.

    I believe in you and I know you can do this.

    emoticon together!
    1833 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/17/2013 2:12:51 PM
    I can so relate! Hear I am tacking everything and getting more exercise, but what happens? I gain 1.5 lbs! It gets so tiring to think you are doing well, but it's not showing. But, I'm trying to stay strong because I need to do this for my health and my emotional well being. I want to eat normally and not be so obsessed about food. I see where you have lost inches, which is really good,because you may be building muscle. Also, you haven't give up! You are strong and you can do it! It may take a few setbacks, but you can realize your goals! Just keep going, emoticon emoticon and we'll support you along the way!
    1833 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/17/2013 2:11:17 PM
    I just want to share that last week a friend of mine asked me to go to a meeting with her called, "Celebrate Recovery". She has been struggling with depression and did not want to go alone, so I went with her. The group was for people struggling from everything, depression, food, alcohol, sex, gambling, etc. I attended the group for her and ended up feeling like a belonged and like people understood my addiction to food. I will definitely be going back, it was so helpful. These groups are nationwide and you can check out locations on Well worth it!
    1833 days ago
  • SMISH1
    I feel the same. Nothing I do works, so I've almost quit trying. I've "started" SparkPeople like 4 times now. This is the first time I've been on in at least a year (again!) since I joined. I hate this.
    1833 days ago
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