Update: I feel much better since I wrote this about an hour ago thanks to my Spark Friends. However I have decided to keep this blog as it was reflecting how I was feeling at the time and others may sometimes feel this way too.

Ok. The title of my blog is a bit extreme but this is just how I feel right now.

Last week I weighed my lowest in two years. I was afraid it was a fluke but I was hopeful it was not. I am now almost back to where I began when I started Spark People. While I intellectually know I did not gain over 4 pounds in a week and that it is water weight...I still am pissed. I burned more calories this week than ever and while I did not always stay in calorie range I had no big blow out. So am I just expecting results too soon? Is this the size my body is meant to be now? It is the change to Pre menopause? Is it my medications?
Should I just be satisfied where I am since I am am a size many aspire too? Am I greedy for wanting to have the body shape I had two years ago?

I have so many questions but no real answers. My doctor says I shouldn't worry. That I look great and the weight is from the anti depressants. Mind you my doctor hasn't put me on a scale in almost two years and since I am tall and I know who to dress I can hide a lot of the weight gain. But I get on the scale weekly and the increasing numbers stare back at me. The one thing I do know is that without Spark People I would probably had at least a five pound weight gain by now as I was steadily going up in recent months. So at least I am stabilizing from gaining.

The thing is that medications and health conditions really can impact weight and it can be Very frustrating for those of us who often feel we have to choose if we want to be happy and fat or thin and depressed. My biggest hope is doing cardio everyday will allow me to at least lower my medications. Until then I will struggle along.