I am so very tired of restarting and recommitting. A large part of my constant failure to track is in seeing no difference over years. I see no difference when I do track. I see no difference when I don't. I see only minimal difference when I exercise. I see no difference when I don't exercise.

I have been the same weight for five years. I haven't been the same size, though. My stomach has definitely gone down after having my son. And that's actually the part that frustrates most. Smaller size, but SAME WEIGHT.

I was viewing some videos from early in 2009 - four years ago. My stomach was SO much larger than it is right now. Yet, I know from my journals of the time that I was the same weight or maybe just a few pounds (as in 3-4) more. How is that at all possible??

How is it possible that I can stay the same weight no matter whether I consume 1650 calories a day (like I did in the summer) or 1300 calories a day (like I have this winter)? HOW is that at all possible?

How is it possible that I can stay the same weight no matter whether I exercise for at least 20-40 minutes daily (like I did in the summer) or not exercise at all save walking Alex to school (like this past fall and winter)?

WHY is it that as soon as my body shows any sort of actual loss, like it did on Weight Watchers or just recently when I finally conquered the chronic hunger, it lasts only for a few days until it springs right back up to the same undesirable weight with an increase in only about 200-300 calories in those days. In 4 or 5 days, that would be 800-1500 calories more. HOW can that translate to a weight gain of 6 pounds????

HOW????

It can only mean that the dip to 142 or 146 weren't real losses. Then why did they occur gradually over weeks if they weren't real???

The only thing that keeps me going and trying and retrying again is the terror of gaining more if I stop. I already can't stand the way I look in most of my clothing, especially my winter coat. I don't want to keep getting bigger.

And the last thing - my health. Cancer is correlated with fat in the stomach. I have tweaked my diet so much over the years, to the point of now excluding meat most days. That fat is STILL not leaving. Why is this??? These diet changes have occurred over years and have not lapsed for any duration of time.

I am so tired of getting back up and trying again. It gets nowhere. Yet, I know that the only thing preventing further gain is doing just that. It sucks to have to work this hard to maintain an undesirable weight when all of my healthy choices aren't translating to anything but MORE weight gain if I stop.

But here I am...trying again.