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Roses, A&I Challenge Blog Week 3, my personal Hurdle

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Write about overcoming a personal hurdle. What did you learn about yourself during the process? What advice would you give someone facing a similar ďhurdle?Ē

Hurdles, I could say my whole life is one huge hurdle that I have tripped over many, many times. However hands down my worst hurdle ever is the one that I am facing now and working very hard to overcome. This hurdle began a long time ago, which I just recently discovered for at first I thought it began only 4yrs ago. Without really realizing it I had been fighting my entire childhood for one simple thing, mothers love. I tried everything and anything but no matter what I did it seemed I was never good enough for her. I went into the Army to prove my own self worth and she brought me down even in that choice. I found a wonderful man that would love me and take care of me and my choice wasnít good enough. As a family we struggled up and down and never asked for any help (for at least 12 yrs) so I asked for help and was greeted with open arms and an I told you so atmosphere. I was in deep depression that October 2008, and was taken advantage of because of that. I started pulling myself out of it by Feb of the next year to which I think made my mother mad because I wanted to take back control. Things came to a head 2 days before Memorial Day in 2009, and the truth was finally told, My mother had never really loved me and never will. Now even after she told me this she still tried to control me and my family even after we got our own place in Aug. I felt stuck, everything I did she knew about it and would call to criticize about it. I finally went to a dr in October and she was afraid I was becoming an Agoraphobic and suggested I try and find a job to be around people. By this time I was put on Anti anxiety meds and depression meds. I was also given sleeping aid meds and RLS meds. I finally found a job Feb of the next year(2010) even though it was only a temp position. I felt really out of place there, the idea was to get around people but the people I was around didnít really want me there, I was an outsider. From Feb to May I went to the DR numerous times and even to the ER once(a severe panic attack to which it felt like a heart attack) and as the time went on I was always tired, still not sleeping well and my body hurt all over like I always had the flu. We did blood test after blood test with nothing showing up. Finally by May I was DX with Fibromyalgia and CFS. Now everytime I went or left early or called in sick I had a DRs note for every single time. Then the dreaded day at the end of July. I was working in an ID card section and the room was completely full of soldiers returning from deployment plus our usual retired civilians in this tiny room. Well to say the least I started having a panic attack which was made worse by a retired General that I was trying to help and he started accusing me of being rude and degrading and that I treated the soldier before him with disrespect, I couldnít take it anymore, I politely excused myself as I couldnít help tears falling from my face to go to the back room out of site (now the soldier I had helped previously stopped me and said I was the sweetest person ever that helped him and didnít know what "that idiot" general was talking about). I made it to the back room and I just crashed, it took me nearly 45 min just to calm the panic attack down. I was useless at work so I asked to go home. The next day I got reprimanded by the two higher ups for 1. the complaint put in by this retired general and 2. all the days I had been missing for no reason (they thought the sick DR notes were fake.) well that just set me off again. Within the next following days I couldnít even get out of bed without a panic attack, I hurt all the time despite taking Vicotin. My DR finally just wrote me an leave of absence note to take in, they didnít believe it and called my dr directly (they were really stupid idiots) so by Aug 2010 I was again in my home 24/7 it was the only place I felt safe.

As time went on it got worse and worse. I maybe went out once a month and never by myself. My weight was uncontrollable reaching my highest ever at 186 in Sept 2010. In 2011 Feb I tried again to take some control back and I started P90X and did it in 110 days (normally it takes 90) and I was really proud of myself. Then somehow my family found out that I got onto disability without a fight at all the first time around and I got "lit" into because my brother was far off worse than I was and it took 3 times to get his approved. By July 2011 I was in a funk yet again it was like even in my own home I wasnít safe from ridicule. Dh got laid off/contract ended in Jan 2012, and we knew this was coming so he had been looking for jobs since the July before with no luck. By June I was so bad that thought of suicide were creeping in once again. Middle of June just a few days before our 15th wedding anniversary we moved to TX, as far from my family as possible. The greatest anniversary/birthday present ever.

After the move as time went on l thought I would just "snap out of it" and begin to feel better magically, well that didnít happen so once my VA medical insurance got approved we went in to see a dr, and she seeing how bad off I was immediately called and set me up and appointment with mental health that afternoon. She gave me a strong med for my Fibro. At mental health the Mental Health Nurse that does the interviews and RX set up immediately took me off of almost all the ones I was on and not working and put me on a whole different regiment of meds. And I was to go back in 4weeks for check up(my Dr in WI never did that) as well as blood tests to make sure my kidneys were fine since a lot of these meds cause issues there (I only had 1 blood test in the 3 yrs I was in WI).

I started therapy in the middle of October and I have been going about once every 2 weeks roughly and I am getting the help that I so desperately needed. My medications seem to finally be where they need to be with many adjustments and tweeking until January. The hurdle that I now need to get over is that my Fibro pain med put weight on me quickly, and I mean a lot 30 lbs in less than 3 monthsÖ.right now I am at 203 and seems to keep going up. I tried a natural remedy for pain that the DR suggested but after giving it a good try for about a month I am having to go back to these pain meds that actually work. I am thinking that I just will need to exercise twice as hard to counteract the med and if the meds keep me out of pain then I can exercise, at least that is my logical thinking.

I am still trying to make it over my hurdle but with each passing day as long as I donít trip over it, itís a good day. Most of the time I think I am standing on top of it just on the verge of the jump. With Therapy and Medications and my Sparkpeople to talk to , to encourage me not to give up I will eventually make it over. The advise I would give is never ever give up for everyone can make it with Love, Commitment and a want or desire to be better.
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CATHYGETSFIT 2/19/2013 7:12PM

    I know you have been through a lot and cannot imagine how hard it must have been for you to strive to get your mom's love and approval only to learn that she never loved you! It seems that your mom has a lot of unresolved issues from the time that either she got pregnant with you or from the time that she had you. I honestly cannot imagine not having the love of your mother. I am happy that you found a man that does love you no matter what. I think that the therapy you are going through now is helping you in every imaginable way. Between going to therapy and coming here to talk to your Spark friends along with the love and support of your husband and children I have no doubt that you can / will overcome this hurdle; no matter how big it may be! emoticon emoticon

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CANDOK1260 2/18/2013 8:56AM

    Hugs knew you were special but not how special. I admire and respect you very much my friend.

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JUSTLLAMA 2/18/2013 8:35AM


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SIGNAL38 2/18/2013 7:39AM

    What a courageous story! You have faced many obstacles and continue to persevere. With getting the help you need, you will continue to heal and overcome the hurdle you are facing. Keep pushing! Thank you so much for sharing!

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CHRISTINASP 2/18/2013 3:57AM

    I'm very sorry that your relationship with your mother has been so bad. I think and hope that with therapy, you may really find yourself and give yourself the love and respect that you need.

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1EMMA2011 2/17/2013 6:08PM

    Thank you for writing about your story. Each time we tell it we heal. I understand about your situation with your Mom. I am so thankful you are getting the help that you need now. For me, depression is anger turned inward. Fighting it is a long battle but worth it. Surround yourself with new friends in your new state. Look for people who are kind and that want to help you with no ulterior motive.

Praying for you,

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    Lisa, my heart goes out to you. I, myself, went through a similar experience with my own mom. It took over 30yrs for us to reconcile. We did finally reconcile 5 years before her death. I wish you the best in over coming this hurdle.


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BARBIE176 2/17/2013 3:22PM

    First. let me say that I cannot even imagine going through all that you have been through. My heart to is breaking just reading of your struggles. Not having a mother's love I think would be one of the most difficult of life challenge's. I pray that now that you are receiving the help you need that you will become fully healed. Keep pushing because you are an awesome person and you are so worth it. I am glad you were able to move away from your toxic family and that you have such an awesome hubby. emoticon emoticon You are emoticon

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DBELLE39 2/17/2013 1:50PM

    Oh my, you have been thru quite a bit, my heart was breaking with tears reading of your strruggle. I'm so glad you are getting the help you need. Yes we can overcome whatever hurdle we are facing, as long as we keep pushing. Wishing you continues healing & recovery as you push ahead.

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