Sunday, February 17, 2013
My assignment today is to blog about the last time I experienced an all or nothing attitude regarding food or exercise. Hmmm. That hasn't happened since I joined spark. Actually it was just before I gave up on everything. Well, everything Diet related. When I was in the Navy (long long ago in a far away Galaxy) I was always on the fat boys list. Even though I was a girl. In order to reenlist I had to lose weight to pass the physical. It was really quite horrible. I became so depressed yet I didn't know I was in a depression. It came time for me to reenlist for the last time. I had just short of 15 years in. My senior chief (E-8) asked me when I wanted to reenlist. I said I was thinking about it. He said what's to think about. I said..I am fat and I don't think I can do it one more time. I have nothing left. I went out to my office and called my boy friend and said how would you feel about being with someone who is not in the Navy. He said just fine. I hung up and told my Senior Chief I was not reenlisting. He was in shock. What are you going to do?
Well my immediate thought was I am not qualified to do anything! Wow! I just spent 14 plus years in the Navy they spent how many gazillion dollars training me and I know nothing! LOL! Arrgh!! I thought for a minute and went out to Tech Control right over to the order wire with the transmitter site and asked if the boss was doing any hiring. They came back and said bring your resume out and he will talk to you. A month later I was out of there and into a new life. But that new life had no restrictions in regard to my weight.
I would try (as they say trying is dying) to diet, a few times I would try exercising. That never lasted very long. I would lose a few lbs and they gain a bunch back. I just had no faith in myself.
I was alone, no support system. It's kind of funny that expression. I remember I was looking to move from San Diego up to North County. Encinitas, Ocean Side, somewhere closer to work (this was just after I found out from my Counselor that I was suffering from anxiety.) In the course of talking about my "problems" I had stated that I would be on my way to work in the morning rush hour and as soon as I hit Encinitas I would stop off at a fast food place because I was so very very hungry. Doc looked at me and said what I was really experiencing was anxiety. I said you mean I really wasn't hungry ? He said noooo, that was anxiety. Then he proceeded to tell me what to do and had me set up an appointment with a different counselor who really could relate to patients better. Okaaayyy. But talking with my new therapist he explained that Doc was one of the best clinicians (being able to determine what the best meds you should be on) there was. He really did a good job for me pill wise, finding out what I had all this anxiety about. It turned out to be all the traffic I had to maneuver during rush hours. Once that was determined I immediately put my condo on the market and looked for a new place.
So as I was saying before I really did digress. I was alone and had no support system. I had set up an appointment to meet with some ladies that were looking for a roommate. During the interview one of their questions was wanting to know what sort of support system I had. I thought what the frick are they wanting here. So I gave them some baloney and needless to say did not move in with them. However, it did get me to thinking about where I was in my life and that for nearly 30 years I had been in a self imposed exile. Why! Trying to leave a home town and getting on with my life....Wow! I was really hard on myself. Looking back I was one miserable woman. I am so glad I am not that sad and lonely woman today.
I admit that way back when if I was not perfect on a "diet" I would give it up and stop at any grocery store and buy and buy and buy some more. Then of course I would go home and eat it. I make mistakes all the time. I make bad choices. But I will not let those choices make me feel bad about myself.
It's all part of the one step back and two steps forward thing. It can only get better. I have had some success here at sparkpeople and I still say they are the experts and I know nothing. That attitude has gotten me pretty far. Spark on!