This morning I achieved the goal of tiring baby girl out at Barnes and Nobles. Who knew they had story time every Saturday morning?
I sure as heck didn't but we stuck around to make pipe cleaner and tissue paper flowers. By the time I asked her if she wanted to go to the library for stop #2 she was already asking for lunch, blanket, book, and milk.
Could be she is still a bit on the sick side, but this morning seemed safe to go out due to less sniffling, sneezing and clingy-ness compared to yesterday morning's sad sad sight.
In my world, I am down 2 more inches. One from my waist and one from my thighs. Very exciting since that is where I tend to accumulate most of my weight- that and my hips which I must say have NOT budged much in a long time, but then again, I haven't worked very hard on that region.
I was planning way more exercise today given my womanly stuff is over and I felt energized, but it appears I have done something to my ankle, perhaps rolled it or just twisted it the wrong way. It's very tender to touch and I don't want to work it and then have it hurt even worse. So, listening to my body. I might do some seated exercises today or some light upper arm only boxing.
I was also thinking about my food lately. Hubby and I had a serious talk about how much junk he is bringing home when last night he came up to me and did this "close your eyes and open your mouth" thing...last time he did that he gave me valentines candy which was very sweet, but it was from a 2nd box I didn't know about in addition to the one he gave me as a present. So, I ate the other half of his chocolate, but then I was wondering why the heck did we have MORE candy?! I thought he bought me one box, it was gone, and we could move on. I didn't know he bought himself a box too. Last night, he wanted me to eat an iced cookie. So I flat out said "NO! I am not going to close my eyes and open my mouth because you always wave junk in my face!"
Well that got his attention, and I asked him what was the problem that he felt the need to make mini-cheesecakes one day (another long discussion between him and I), then valentines candy, and NOW cookies. Not just the bag of iced cookies, to which he blamed on buying for our daughter, but ANOTHER grocery bag full of stuff to make another batch of a different kind of cookies.
I told him this just wasn't fair, its not just for me and my diet that I am getting upset, its we ALL don't really need the extra sugar. And if he wants to splurge fine (actually not fine due to his blood sugars..but thats another battle) but I've already asked him to keep that crap in his car so I don't have to sit around it for 12 hours while watching the baby and getting stressed out. TALK about a recipe for disaster...thats why I don't surround myself with it!
I have no self control, I know that, I'm sorry! But, the overlying message is this is NOT how we agreed to have our house. We both agreed a long time ago that junk food would be special, it would be a "go out and get it" occasion, not just lying around for bites and snacks like it was when we were growing up with the unhealthy habits our parents had.
He apologized, said he had been stressed at work, and we ended up cuddling and watching a movie instead of baking more cookies. I am glad I stood my ground, because if I splurge then it just snowballs for me. Then I don't track because I know it won't be accurate and it might go over. One day of tracking might lead to another day of tracking and honestly, it just makes me feel like crap about myself...which husband said was not his intention.
Glad he had a light bulb moment.
Speaking of tracking, I was toying with the idea that I should start listing what I eat here on my blogs, to give me some accountability to myself (and to readers, if they want to know). The second I thought it was a good idea, I also thought about the idea of being totally and completely honest about the bad days too- and that made me feel really sick of my stomach and full of shame.
Blogs were supposed to be for me before I ever found so many glorious sparkfriends and to list the food here is not necessarily the OCD of tracking, but still being watchful. Maybe I just can't do it alone, that's why I joined Sparkpeople to begin with. That's why there are Weight Watcher's locations in strip malls, or over eaters anonymous meetings too! Thinking to myself "someone might read this" or "I have to post this...publicly" will make me think twice before I put it in my mouth, AND on the plus side make me really proud when I can post a good day with good decisions!
This thought was reinforced in my head when I was driving home. I saw an overweight mother, father, a little boy walking down the sidewalk. The mom was pushing a stroller and I couldnt help but smile and think "GOOD FOR THEM! Teaching their son good healthy habits and all getting out and exercising as a family!" and it suddenly dawned on me, I really AM not alone in this.
Small, big, skinny, fat, I see moms in workout clothes with young ones all the time! We all are just trying to get by with raising our kids and being healthy too. Knowing virtually, on my home computer, I was not alone, and noticing it around me used to be two entirely different things, but I think I am beginning to see it more around me too. No more isolating me from other moms, the fit moms and the overweight moms. We're all moms just trying to squeeze in exercise time.
That thought brought me a lot of comfort. Because so much of my downfalls are ME blaming ME for coming up short. I have a lot of shame and a lot of guilt and its not just not fair to beat myself up when others are in the same boat as me too, so it's not like I did something wrong to end up here and losing weight is my punishment. It's just life. One day at a time, not a I-am-here-but-need-to-be-there mentality. Too much pressure!
And I guess that just comes from a long history of workouts and food being related to punishment and embarrassment when I was growing up.
So I think I might work on giving myself a break (thats always a work in progress) and post what I am eating here on my blog at the end of the day, because I admit I need some help in that department and this is a safe, no judgement zone. At least...I'm hoping for that anyway.