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    PATTYR81   2,910
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2,500-3,999 SparkPoints
 
 
Big Celebrations- YA! plus a Big Disappointment- :(

Saturday, February 16, 2013

I'm VERY PROUD of the successes I've achieved in my personal life since I've embarked on my WLS journey emoticon

My successes have been both mental emoticon as well as physical emoticon

Of course I'm not done with my quest for perfection- um, I mean self-improvement

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Before starting my WLS journey in Dec 2011, my focus was ALWAYS on putting all of my energy and efforts into helping others be successful. Most offen at big expense to myself in term of my $, time, energy, reputation, etc. I considered THEIR success to be MY success.

Now a little of this thinking can certainly be a good thing for everyone. Trouble is, I NEVER do ANYTHING 'a little'. Jokingly (and not), my go-to reference when describing my behaviors is: "I'm a compulsive over-(fill in the blank here)." Compulsive: over-eater, over-achiever, over-planner, over-controller--- you get the drift. In my outside relationships, I have been told I am the 'model' student, parent, wife, daughter, sister, friend, exemplary employee, etc. What a 'wonderful' (and costly) way to cover up and hide what's really going on inside me.

Unfortunately, putting all my resources toward others only worked for me for a while - 51 years... emoticon

Two years ago, a month after my birthday, I received a surplus notice from work. After 10+ years of pouring my efforts, energy, time, sweat, tears into this big company's success (sooooo often at my own and my family's expense), out of the blue I was told my efforts were no longer needed/wanted and good luck in finding another position. While most of my years there were very positive and rewarding, I also endured some years of mental & verbal abuse, harrassment & emotional blackmail (fodder for another blog....)

I was a wreck both mentally and physically.
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51 years old with my health in shambles. Now the outside 'empire shell' I had created was gone. Didn't matter a whit that I have advanced education degrees from two prestigious universities in the US, additional professional certifications, years of complex, relevant experience and significant performance recognitions in the business world from well known, high performing companies.

130 lbs over-weight, high blood pressure and cholesterol, GERD, adult onset asthma and borderline diabetes. The job surplus pushed me over into the realm of a nervous breakdown, major depression with suicidal thoughts. Yikes!!! emoticon

My outside facade of being a happy, successful mover and shaker crumbled away. Definitely no over-achieving or over-anything I could do could save me. I was TOTALLY BROKEN. emoticon

(This is the first time I've admitted all this stuff, both to myself, others in my life and to you, dear Sparkfriends)

By the grace of God, I pulled together some remaining shreads of self-preservation. Got myself to my doctor, found a good therapist and turned to my family and friends for help and support. Yes, I, once the pillar of strength and role model for everyone around me, had to admit that I too, have clay feet.

I humbled myself before God, my family and friends -- slowly & painfully began to re-build my life and re-invent myself.

Along the way I've found unconditional love and support from unexpected people and places emoticon and am learning to accept and embrace what my family and others are so willing to give.

I've had to let go of some long term 'friendships' (30+ years) that were toxic to my health, well-being and sanity. emoticon

Flash forward 2 1/2 years to today: emoticon

My energy and focus is on God, myself, my family, my friends, my job - in that order. BIG reversal from the previous order: Job, family, friends, God,.........oh yeah and myself way at the end.

While my journey has been far from perfect and isn't even close to completion, I've earned some achievements that merit Big Celebrations!

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-- Improved Health:
Down 77 lbs, off high blood pressure, cholesterol, sleeping meds; GERD, asthma, pre-diabetes gone. Activity levels up from being a lump in a chair/couch/bed - repeat-- to walking often and energetically moving around. Thinking and acting positive and optimistically most days.

-- Improved Relationships:
Renewed friendship and deepened relationship with my dh. (24th anniversary is Monday!) Less self-imposed isolation and increased reaching out to build stronger, more balanced relationships with other family members and friends.

And the Big Disappointment???
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Thursday, my boss gave me the worst performance appraisal I have EVER received in my work life. emoticon emoticon . Again, I was totally shocked and surprised. The net: mid-year 2012, I was a very high to exceptional performer, a 'real asset to the team and a pleasure to work with". End of year, her evaluation is that my work 'mostly meets expectations', comments include that my contribution was 'minimal' and that I require 'more coaching than most'.

WOW emoticon what to do with info? I have to admit I'm pretty devastated (but not as much as I would have been before as described above). I'll definitely have to think about this and ponder---material for another blog.

Meanwhile, I am focusing on positive stuff- my accomplishments, God, family and friends.

THANKS for your shoulders dear Sparkfriends!!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REAGANESQUE 2/17/2013 9:54PM

    Patty- first, congrats on all you have accomplished. I'm in awe and I hope to do as well on my weight loss journey.

Regarding your year end review...performance evaluations should not be a surprise! You are definitely deserving of continuous feedback, and there's definitely something wrong with the turnaround since mid year. I 100% agree with Christine's comments about sitting down with your mgr.

Continue to stay positive and know that you are fabulous! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HSMOMX2 2/17/2013 12:08PM

  emoticon to you & dh! That report didn't sound solid and justified by your boss. Look on the positive side, you have gained so much from changing your priorities. Your health is improved and you sound a lot more happier. emoticon on your healthier lifestyle. emoticon

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BARIDIRECTS 2/17/2013 10:06AM

  Hi, Patty,

I have to wonder what is going on with your boss...a 180 degree turnaround like that has to be based on SOMETHING concrete. I agree with Maizey, once you know you can do so objectively, I would ask to sit down with her and get specific guidelines for improvement that you can both agree on, along with a plan for receiving interim feedback on a regular basis, so you know how you're doing. And, just as another thought, perhaps it would be worthwhile to check into what's happening at the company from a more global perspective...have they had a lot of changes in management? Is your boss up for a promotion (or just got passed up for one)? When a formerly good and positive relationship with an employer sours, sometimes there are things going on in the background that are driving the issue.

In the midst of job failures, I always try to keep in mind that it's not what I DO that defines me, it's who I AM as a person. It's clear that you are much, much more than what she sees, and that's what's important.

Keep us posted!
Best, Christine emoticon

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MAIZEY 2/16/2013 3:29PM

    So sorry that you got a review like this. It just doesn't seem right after your mid year review. I'm glad you're keeping your focus on other, more positive things. Once you've had a chance to regroup, it might be worth asking for specific examples of what your supervisor thought was negative and examples of expected actions.

Take care and keep focused on the mountain of successes you've accomplished!

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