Update & some deep thoughts
Saturday, February 16, 2013
I am pretty much the same weight and measurements I was when I left.
I left, partly, because I had life issues to attend to. My daughter and I have been officially set up in our own apartment since September. I got promoted at work. I'm divorced, he is out of both of our lives, which makes me sad for my daughter, but we are otherwise thriving.
It's not easy to rebuild your life, and I feel like I do this every few years. I think this time it will be more permanent. I'm building my own foundation with my own two hands, and God help anyone who stands in my way or tries to take that away.
As I mentioned, I'm here (on planet Earth, not just spark) for whole health. It's not just weight loss. And sometimes that is not the main focus. Don't get me wrong, I still work out, I still eat so much better then I did.... but I am not striving for perfection.
My goals are more fitness oriented than a number on a scale or a dress size. I have run 3 more 5ks (one very slowly with my 4 year old) in my absence. I use the weight tracker only as a tool and go very long periods with out weighing myself at all. Granted, with fitness goals there will automatically be some weight loss, my current weight is not what it 'should' be. I am still 'chubby'.
I have PCOS, I don't expect many people to know what that is, just know it makes it very hard to lose weight. I have a doctor that has been monitoring my progress since I've been back in DE. I keep a private food/fitness diary that I share with my doctor. I only use Spark's tracker when I want to check calories in something or if I had a bad day, I force myself to look at it. I work for Starbucks. I'm a single mother & poor, sometimes I eat Starbucks food. I know where my problem areas are. My doctor knows where my problem areas are.
I am also never going to deprive myself of steak ... or a slice of birthday cake. Granted it will be in smaller portions than it used to be, and I maybe eating salad all the next day, but I'm eating that steak.
I get to live my life in happiness. Sometimes it's steak. Sometimes it's a camping/ hiking trip to somewhere wild and exciting. Sometimes its spending the day walking a big city. In the fall it's apple picking with my daughter. Sometimes it's painting. Sometimes it's being 204 pounds and running a 6 minute mile, when you used to weigh 265 and couldn't walk 10 feet with out getting winded.
I was offended last blog I wrote, which was a very positive and mentally healthy blog, & I received advice I did not ask for by people who are not only not my doctor but do not know me. I don't think it was malicious, and I am not angry now, but I was offended. And I went to a different weight loss community because of it. One I did not like as much as this one.
My first reaction to situations like that is to just not acknowledge the other people involved exist, because, and it may not be a flattering part of me, I just don't deal with most people or their nonsense or even 'like' 75% of the populace. I know that's not 'nice' but that's honest. I know it's a defense mechanism, I even know where it stems from ... doesn't change that it's there. I'm trying to better it. Things take time. Which is why I'm back here.
I am going to maintain my positivity and my class and simply say:
I lost 50 pounds, please don't tell me how I can do better.
I can run 10K now with a time average of 6 minutes a mile. I am proud of myself. Don't try to act like that's not huge for me.
I'm pretty sure most the people who comment are not doctors. I have a doctor. He's a very positive individual who still doesn't let me get away with nonsense. I respect his opinion, and he says I'm doing very well. That it should take the time I took to gain to lose the weight.
I accept as I move further down this path, I will receive more attention. God forbid, people may even look up to me. That makes me extremely uncomfortable, especially when I used to be a fat person that everyone ignored. This aspect is very much part of my journey. Which is why nothing is set to private, no matter how much I desperately want it to be.
I am here. I exist. I deserve to exist and be looked at. I get to be a whole human after years and years of having a half life.
Sometimes that means people are going to say things I don't like or accidentally (and I truly believe it wasn't purposeful) hurt my feelings, because that's life.
I've survived childhood abuse, an unhealthy marriage and subsequent abandonment of my child and I, and Ovarian cancer.
I reserve the right to say: my life, and therefore my spark people page, is a place of positivity only. We don't give 'advice' here on this page. We have too many other people in our lives who want to 'advise' us on how much 'better' we could be.
I'd mostly prefer all we talk about here be zombies and how supremely awesome we all are.
That is all.