Saturday, February 16, 2013
I'm mobidly obese by the standards out there. I hate my stomach, huge thighs and generally being tired all the time. I don't like "the smell"...you know it...that lovely "apron" as the doctors call it - (ironic eh that the extra flab in the front of your gut is called something that you would wear to protect yourself from food - technically) gets all sweaty and gross... shudder... you have 2 showers a day - sprinkle more talcum powder than a newborn will have in their first 2 years of life and still...nothing.
I was at a meeting at work and we were discussing a co-worker that goes out of her way to make kids welcome at the hospital - scary as it is to come when you're sick - and someone didn't know who she was. Someone pipes up "She looks like her (pointing at me) but shorter hair". The other co-worker is also obese. At that moment I happen to have a cinnamon heart going to my mouth. I put it down, passed the bag to the next person near me (it was going around) and said "gee, guess I better stop eating these" and tried my best not to burst into tears. The other co-worker gave the good old - "sorry..just kidding", which I find is code for "really, it's the truth but I don't want to offend you so...".
I've been heavy since puberty. I was always told I'm fat by family members (as in, hi there...geez, you're fat - yes ..I know) and have tried various diets and lifestyle changes. Needless to say, they either were short term work or just plain old gave up on it. I love my popcorn (oil, not air popped). I love my fries. I love food. I love how food tastes and feels in my mouth. I love how it makes me so happy to have it... but at the same time, there's that little voice saying...stop. You'll regret it!! And I do.
Soooo... I've been on and off spark for years... do a few days...fall off the wagon - ok, let's be honest - I leap off it and run - and after a "bad" meal, say f***k it and hit the buffet line. I can't keep this up. I'm older - not so wiser and am tired of being tired! I'm tired of not wearing proper clothes, of clothes not fitting and just having to hit the plus size section all the time...and still not find anything that I like.
So my promise to you all (if anyone reads this) and myself - One day at a time. And when those giant fries
come at me - one second at a time...
And just breathe...