Saturday, February 16, 2013
Its a slap in the face that I'm not thought of By certain people in my life. My husband is, my daughter is, but me?? Nope... It hurts. I married him. I gave birth to her. We sat in NICU together for HOURS every day for 49 days But yet I'm not recognized, at all. Yeah, that hurts. It just goes to show how much people can tell you "Oh we think of you. Oh we love you" but yet I'm never recognized as his wife or her mother, but yet his ex girlfriend and oldest daughter are. Last time I checked my name was on the marriage license and the ring he bought was put on my finger, no one else's. I was presented that flag off his coffin.
Yes, I sound angry and bitter because I am. It freaking hurts.
After a few hours of my blood pressure going through the roof & bawling my eyes out I deleted his parents off of my FB. I feel like they see me as a cheap one night stand and not his actual wife. I'm the one who sat through his deployments and countless underways. I'm the one who stood by him through the stress and everything else the Navy threw at us. I took care of him Maddie, our townhouse, bills, and went to school all at the same time. I know I shouldn't let it bother me so much and just ignore it but I can't help it. They don't give a crap about me and they never have, irregardless of what line of crap his mom tells me. I should of done what he did when he was alive and totally blown them off from the word GO. Now, I understand fully why Josh didn't have a relationship with his parents. No, my mom and I don't and (didn't at the time) see eye to eye all the time but she still had my/our back when we needed the help. His parents?? Nope, they didn't care. All they thought was that we were making mistake after mistake and instead offering help or advice all we got was grief. Where as my family would say "You know what, we know you guys aren't perfect. We know the ebginning of a marriage is hard. Here, let us help you." I'm thankful for all the help my mom gave us during our marriage and I know I'll never be able to repay her for it, but at least she gave a damn.
I, _____, take you ______, to be my wedded husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.
I honored my wedding vows. I loved him (and still do) until the day he died. I wished people would understand that and quit giving me grief about choices I've made in life since his passing.
If you read that entire post then you desrve a hug. Its been a very emotional day. I've cried more today then I have in weeks. I think finally everything has hit me head on and I finally just lost it. I lost count how many times I cried today. I know everyone keeps telling me to blow them off and not let it bother me but it still hurts. Its sad to say but I know deep down even Josh is up in Heaven saying "Honey, just let them go. Don't worry about it. Don't let it stress you out like it stressed me out when I was alive."
I miss him.....