2/16/13

This may or may not be considered my third go-round with SparkPeople.
It’s more like my second – I’d started it a few years ago but didn’t keep up. New technology makes it easy to stick with now. Why I say it could be second or third is that around June of last year I kind of… imploded. I know what happened but I’d like to say I understand what happened but I don’t.

In short, I have never really received a lot of support in life. You may feel the same about you, and it could be why we're both here. It’s a statement of fact and I’ve sought out help for it. My parents came from damaged backgrounds themselves and I try to understand that. At the end of the day, in a lot of ways it made me strong. Being self-reliant is admirable, but also isolating. And exhausting. How long can you keep it up? There are just times in one’s life when one needs other people.

See how I understand that intellectually?

Watch how I don’t understand it emotionally:

In June, I felt myself struggling (loneliness, depression - after rocking off 60 lbs in 5 months), and I reached out to my SparkFriends for the support I’d never asked for before. Never felt I deserved. I received a lot of it. A LOT A LOT of it. Imagine: people I’d never met extending themselves with gentleness and generosity.

And I could not handle it.

Could not.

Not.

I disappeared from SP for the most part. Once I earned perfect attendance awards, maxed out on fitness minute awards, looked forward to earning points towards the next level, etc. Was very involved in my friend feed and reading the blogs of my SparkFriends. I fell to loosely logging in (scoring the occasional consistency award) and staying under the radar, avoiding those who’d taken the time to get to know me and cheer me on.

It’s not my proudest moment.

Why, though, am I writing this, especially in the context of my blog theme “Three Things?”
I’ve slowly made my way back to SP, and decided that my Sparkpage needed and overhaul. Been working away at it for a couple days.
And then I noticed: when I clicked on SparkFriends, some Friends’ names were no longer underlined.
Meaning they were no longer my friends.
Look, I’m not surprised, and I don’t blame them. We had corresponded and shared fairly personal info and I fell off the face of the virtual earth. If any of them are reading this, I’m sorry. You don’t have to take me back. I just wanted you to know what’s what.

I also know folks come and go on SP for any number of reasons. But it ‘s different and unsettling when someone you’ve known suddenly goes “private” (instead of dormant) and you didn’t make the cut. I hope I didn’t offend, but even more so, I hope they are okay. I hope they didn’t wind up like me – shutting down. Or that they didn’t run into a web weirdo who made them feel unsafe.

I know this about me: unfortunately or not, when it comes to exposing myself and asking for help, I am probably not going to experience personal growth at a rate faster than “glacial.” This still puts me light-years ahead of what my therapists call my “family of origin.” I think I’m the only person in my family to even seek out counseling. No matter. Here’s my point (and haven’t you been waiting patiently for it?):

How many people did I find were no longer my friends on SparkPeople?

Three.
Not Three Things.
But three all the same.

“I mean, maybe under the surface, somewhere that's hard to see, I've known it had to end for a long time. I just never thought I'd be the one to end it.” ~Susane Colasante