Friday, February 15, 2013
Hello all! So I've taken a little break from the blogs and I need to get back into it. Even if I just use the blogs as a diary and no one really reads it at least I'm putting how I'm feeling into words. And it's good for me to get it out.
I've been trying really hard to stay on track and get my exercise in. Not always easy with my schedule. Between illnesses, work and life in general I think I have been doing well. I started over again on January 6th (along with the biggest loser) and lost up to 6 lbs. I gained 2 lbs this week. My first gain in over a month and discovered something about myself that I knew I did but wasn't aware of just how bad it was...man can I self-talk awful about myself.
I've had awful self-esteem since I was a teenager. I had an abusive boyfriend for 2 years as a teenager, my father and great-aunt (like a grandma) both passed away during this time, I was cut senior year from the soccer team. Just a lot all at once. But just over gaining 2 lbs I sat today and in my head berated myself. Then in my head I hear that awful boyfriend tell me how worthless I am and so forth. You can see how I start on the downward spiral and it goes out of control. For years I have struggled with anxiety and depression. Sometimes I fixate on a topic and obsess about it until I send myself into a panic attack. So today I couldn't get off of the 2 lb loss. So I decided I needed to stop it before it got out of control. I bundled my baby up, stuck her in her stroller and we went for a walk. And low and behold it worked.
Now I'm in a totally different frame of mind about these 2 lbs. They will be gone again soon. Eating right, exercising and drinking water. I will lose these 2 lbs and these 2 lbs are not going to define me.