I’m sick of myself. For a whole host of reasons that I typed out and then erased because I don’t feel like sharing (yes, an inability to ask for help is on that list).
The job thing, that probably plays a huge role in why this is bubbling out now. Third time mentioning it in a blog this week. You know, I’m looking back over those blogs and it feels like I put something up every day, and not just a pic or a single link or one line, at least a few thoughts strung together, and I manage to never say anything useful.
This, despite striking out 90% of what I’ve typed, despite how redundantly pissed off I got while typing it out…this was almost useful. Almost. But not quite.
First three songs below illustrate and fit the thoughts described above. In the process of listening through them when I jumped onto youtube to get the links, the wretched mood of the day started dissipating.
Songs 4-7 don’t necessarily fit the theme of this blog, they’re just dark, aggressive tracks that I like, that it occurred to me to listen to while re-editing this. They’re not wrong when they say listening to music you enjoy can help alleviate bad moods. Doesn’t really alter the underlying dissatisfaction with who I am, what I am, where I am. But for the moment, at least, I feel more like curling the dumbbell I see on the floor rather than kicking it. And that’s a good thing, because I don’t think my toes would win the fight with 20 pounds of iron.
Clawfinger, “I love to hate myself”(title lyric is from this track) www.youtube.com/w
Clawfinger, “Sick of Myself” www.youtube.com/w
Pantera, “War Nerve”, www.youtube.com/w
Meshuggah, “Autonomy lost/imprint of the unsaved/disenchantment” www.youtube.com/w
Nevermore, “Engines of Hate” www.youtube.com/w
Emperor, “I am the Black Wizards” www.youtube.com/w
Entombed “Left hand Path” www.youtube.com/w