I look at my reflection and I see an enemy
Friday, February 15, 2013
I’m sick of myself. For a whole host of reasons that I typed out and then erased because I don’t feel like sharing (yes, an inability to ask for help is on that list).
The job thing, that probably plays a huge role in why this is bubbling out now. Third time mentioning it in a blog this week. You know, I’m looking back over those blogs and it feels like I put something up every day, and not just a pic or a single link or one line, at least a few thoughts strung together, and I manage to never say anything useful.
This, despite striking out 90% of what I’ve typed, despite how redundantly pissed off I got while typing it out…this was almost useful. Almost. But not quite.
First three songs below illustrate and fit the thoughts described above. In the process of listening through them when I jumped onto youtube to get the links, the wretched mood of the day started dissipating.
Songs 4-7 don’t necessarily fit the theme of this blog, they’re just dark, aggressive tracks that I like, that it occurred to me to listen to while re-editing this. They’re not wrong when they say listening to music you enjoy can help alleviate bad moods. Doesn’t really alter the underlying dissatisfaction with who I am, what I am, where I am. But for the moment, at least, I feel more like curling the dumbbell I see on the floor rather than kicking it. And that’s a good thing, because I don’t think my toes would win the fight with 20 pounds of iron.
Clawfinger, “I love to hate myself”(title lyric is from this track) www.youtube.com/w
Clawfinger, “Sick of Myself” www.youtube.com/w
Pantera, “War Nerve”, www.youtube.com/w
Meshuggah, “Autonomy lost/imprint of the unsaved/disenchantment” www.youtube.com/w
Nevermore, “Engines of Hate” www.youtube.com/w
Emperor, “I am the Black Wizards” www.youtube.com/w
Entombed “Left hand Path” www.youtube.com/w
Member Comments About This Blog Post
Life will quite happily bash you all the time. The things we say to ourselves we would NEVER put up with if someone else said them, or if someone said them to a friend of ours.
I used to beat up on myself, too, but it never did any good.
What DID do some good was to look at that person in the mirror and say, "right now, this moment, I will do something good for my health or life." You can't change the past and the future isn't here, but right now, this moment, what can you do to improve your health or life?
1251 days ago
BTDT too. Gotta edit out those negative self-bashing thoughts, though, like splicing a bad "B" movie.
1251 days ago
Most of us have "Been there, done that"!
1252 days ago
A few years back I was jobless, and so was my husband. It royally sucked, we started to strongly dislike each other and also ourselves. As Americans (I'm making an assumption here) we tend to wrap ourselves up in our jobs. We're not important unless we're working our best at a great job. And it hurts when we can't show the world how awesome we are. I was unemployed for 10 months and my husband was over a year (part of this he was not legally able to work as an immigrant but that doesn't change the emotional aspect of it). All I can say is keep yourself as active as possible, keep looking and hopefully sometime soon something will fall in your lap and you'll love it. =)
About the traveling work - remember, it's always easier to find jobs if you already have one.
1255 days ago
It is strange hearing that from a man! What is perfection anyway? Don't try to attain the perfect body, unless you are good at airbrushing. The rest of us have flaws, many of them, but also good parts.
Job satisfaction is tied to our confidence as well and mine also at the moment stinks, totally lacking in direction or even much work. People tell me I am lucky my job is quiet and not stressful. I usually just say - 'be careful what you wish for'!
try not to be too hard on yourself -easier said than done I know!!
1255 days ago
Ok ............... Once again, I have to throw my 2 Cents in ............... First ......... You are never alone (w/ self criticism) however, they are found to be self destructive ....
Now I will share ......... (& I try to stay positive) but you have caught me in a really HONEST vulnerable moment ................... Just today, I get on a decent outfit to go do some stuff ................... What do I say to myself when I catch myself in a bathroom full length mirror? ................... I quote ................
"Either that top is just too small or you are TOO pudgy in the middle--STILL!!!"
Then I caught that nasty critical person who raises up within and said: ..............
Then I made myself look a moment longer and then the nicer person within said:
NOW LOOK at how good your legs are and the curves!!!" ................
We really have to be kind to ourselves, cos our good spark buddies can't follow us around saying, 'Hey--Look at far you have come and it is NOT over .......... so give yourself a break ............... We are all pressing ahead daily ......... (or lets' say often) ...................
LAST .............. The other night I had been listening to a Bob Marley CD .......... "Please don't call me OLD cause he remains a legend and all ages still love him) ..................... Geez--I can sure go off sometimes!! lol
ANYWAY, I could not get one of his "Love each other and we'll be alright" songs out of my head so I put on James Blunt while I read blogs and before I knew it, I was feeling melancholy and really crappy!!! ....................
No Question about it ................... What we listen to .......... sound and lyrics feeds our soul and we find ourselves feeling just what the music INTENDED to do ..........
So maybe try '...........' changing your tune' ................ (no pun intended) and see if your feeling improves? .................. Just sayin ................... Not tryin to lecture ............
1255 days ago
Comment edited on: 2/16/2013 12:46:58 AM
We all feel the way you are. i know I have felt that way more than I care to admit over the course of my life. Once you figure out who you are and that isn't tied to obligatory title or job description. i tell you it will be life changing!You will get there soon!
1256 days ago
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