Friday, February 15, 2013
Ok, So it has been a month since I started working our regularly. I really think that it will stick this time, and this is why:
Without getting into too much detail, something happened between me and my husband that shook the foundations of our marriage. We have decided to try to work it out, but it is an unsure road.
It was right before this that I had decided to try the weight loss deal again. I actually restarted my diet about 3 days afterwards (It was already set up like that, just crazy timing for everything else).
Anywho, over the past few weeks I have realized this: When I was younger, I was way too easy. Now, I am not saying I was completely loose, but..I needed to be validated. I needed a man. I needed to be told I was beautiful. I needed to be number one. So I did things too soon, I paid everything, I did anything that I could to try to make myself feel what I needed.
I am sure that this ended relationships that may have lasted. I know that when I didn't feel like I was number one, I became very self conscious and insecure. I am sure that I was difficult to deal with. I couldn't stand the fact that they may have loved someone more than me, or thought someone more amazing.
Fast forward to my husband. He was the first to tell me I was beautiful. He built me up to think that I was the best thing since sliced bread. At first, there still were insecurities. There were still doubts and they came out and caused problems. We made it through it though. For the first time I felt truely, completely loved.
Then this happened. Everything came crashing down. All that was built up was now gone. I was back where I started- what was wrong with ME?! Why was I never good enough, smart enough, why was I never just plain enough?
As we work to repair, I have realized that I cannot use anyone else to validate myself again. Does my husband love me? Yes. Does he think I am beautiful? I am sure he does. MY OPINION OF MYSELF CANNOT BE BASED ON THAT THOUGH. I have to find myself amazing, no matter what anyone else thinks. If I don't, I need to make changes so that I do. I CANNOT continue to base my self esteem on the feelings of others. My opinion of myself should be that I am unique, I am perfect, and I am the only me- and the people who know me can either think that too or get the you-know-what out of my life. Period.
This is the first time that I ever realized just how low my self esteem was. I always thought that it was ok. It has been hard looking back at the past, accepting the things I have said and done because of this. I will do it though- because that is even more important than the weight loss. I have to learn to love myself.