What a blog title, I know...but here's what's going on.

I've recently lost about 5 pounds or so. Disclaimer - this is weight I have also sort of recently gained. In fact, I didn't even change my ticker to the higher weight, so when I post, it still says 0 pounds lost. Either way, though, I'm still pretty proud of this loss.

Proud, yes.
Motivated, no.

I've blogged before about how I sabatoge myself. At the time, I thought it was more out of fear than anything else. I still believe that. Fear of what, though, I'm not so sure. Success? Maybe, but that still doesn't really make sense. Failure? That makes more sense. If I lose weight, that's great and all, but then...then what if I gain it back again? Yes, I believe that is where my fear stems from. Maybe I'm making some progress there.

Anyway, back to my weight loss. So, I'm really excited to report I've been steadily losing weight for about a month now. Which, as a lot of you know, is a big deal for me. I fight for every ounce I lose, and for every pound I gain, it seems it's been tough to figure out why. Lupus, steroids, and fatigue have all been factors. But I don't believe that's been 100% of the cause. Wherever the lb's came from, I'm glad to finally see them leaving.
But now what do I do? I've got some weight loss under my belt, and here is where I would normally sabatoge myself. I don't see myself doing that now, but I also don't feel very motivated to keep going, as I was last month, before this all happened. I don't want to sit around and snack all day, in fact, I'm not even really in the mood for my regular comfort foods and things I'd normally be going for right about now. But I don't feel like exercising, or tracking my food, or putting forth the effort.

Granted, I have been hitting my tracking goals lately, but not really from effort on my part. Maybe it's just becoming more of that magic work - habit?
Exercise has been extremely tough lately, now that my body has figured out I've been tricking it, and we're going down on the steroids again. Body is NOT happy with this latest development, and seems to be rebelling with fatigue. I'm fighting through it, though, determined to make the downgrade happen.

Ok, so what do I do now? Where do I go? My plan is to just keep tracking, as usual, and eat the foods I've been eating. Continue to keep the tempations out of the house, but allow a splurge now and then. Continue to avoid fast food (normally a go-to for me, I'm just not craving it lately.) Continue to make more foods from scratch, and experimenting with SP's recipes. Continue to try to exercise as much as I can. If a 10 minute walk feels too much, like it did on my morning break, maybe cut it into smaller chunks, walk slower, or walk less. But keep walking. (Thanks to the pedometer, that's really motivating me to get more steps! Hey, there is motivation somewhere, that's a good sign!)

Don't worry, sparkfriends, I'm not losing my spark, not at all. I still want that weight loss, I still have my eye on that end prize, there just seems to be a big hurdle I need to get over. A test, to see if I can defeat this latest bout of - fear? sabatoge? Call it whatever. Either way, I'm putting my boxing gloves on, and preparing for the fight.