It's feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders right now.
I know that attitude and how I approach things is a huge part of how I will feel about them.
I honeslty tried to have a positve outlook this morning. I really did. When my mood started to turn, I took some time, and decided I wouldn't let some silly attitude ruin my day.
Then the silly little straw that breaks the camels back came along. It doesn't really matter what it was. I lost it. Got angry. Very angry. Then cried.
I really should have taken a sick day off of work, but with all of this HR stuff supposed to be settled by the end of this week I didn't want to drag it out until after the long weekend.
I am in so much pain again today. I caved and took some painkillers. I am trying to curb the physical pain, so I can change my attitude.
I know what this is all about. It goes so much deeper than anything I've said on here before.
Deeper than loosing my brother - it's honeslty bordering on survivors guilt with that whole issue.
Deeper than just gaining some weight - I am beginning to see that I really don't love me anymore.
I need to believe this. I don't right now, but I need to.
I am sorry, but I had to get that out of my head. I don't know if it's the last I'll say on any of it. I guess it's not really likely. It's time I admit to myself what is really going on. I can't get through it if I don't face it. But not right now.
I need to turn my thoughts today. I don't want to let this spoil our weekend away. I won't let it.
As for the straw that broke the camel's back this morning? I need to look at it as an excuse to go shopping. What the heck. Who doesn't love that?
The physical pain is not really changing - the painkillers aren't even touching it. I didn't expect they would. I think it's tied a lot more closely to this mess going on in my mind than I want to admit. But I CAN'T let that stop me.
Time for me to discover just how strong I really am.
And just so you all know, stopping by with well wishes, reading my blog, commenting, they all let me know that although I feel completely alone in these struggles, I am not. There are others out there who care, and are doing what they can to help me fight back. Others out there cheering me on and encouraging me to keep going.
I don't say it enough, but thank you.