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Friday, February 15, 2013

It's feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders right now.

I know that attitude and how I approach things is a huge part of how I will feel about them.

I honeslty tried to have a positve outlook this morning. I really did. When my mood started to turn, I took some time, and decided I wouldn't let some silly attitude ruin my day.

Then the silly little straw that breaks the camels back came along. It doesn't really matter what it was. I lost it. Got angry. Very angry. Then cried.

I really should have taken a sick day off of work, but with all of this HR stuff supposed to be settled by the end of this week I didn't want to drag it out until after the long weekend.

I am in so much pain again today. I caved and took some painkillers. I am trying to curb the physical pain, so I can change my attitude.

I know what this is all about. It goes so much deeper than anything I've said on here before.

Deeper than loosing my brother - it's honeslty bordering on survivors guilt with that whole issue.

Deeper than just gaining some weight - I am beginning to see that I really don't love me anymore.

I need to believe this. I don't right now, but I need to.

I am sorry, but I had to get that out of my head. I don't know if it's the last I'll say on any of it. I guess it's not really likely. It's time I admit to myself what is really going on. I can't get through it if I don't face it. But not right now.

I need to turn my thoughts today. I don't want to let this spoil our weekend away. I won't let it.

As for the straw that broke the camel's back this morning? I need to look at it as an excuse to go shopping. What the heck. Who doesn't love that?

The physical pain is not really changing - the painkillers aren't even touching it. I didn't expect they would. I think it's tied a lot more closely to this mess going on in my mind than I want to admit. But I CAN'T let that stop me.

Time for me to discover just how strong I really am.

And just so you all know, stopping by with well wishes, reading my blog, commenting, they all let me know that although I feel completely alone in these struggles, I am not. There are others out there who care, and are doing what they can to help me fight back. Others out there cheering me on and encouraging me to keep going.

I don't say it enough, but thank you.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JUSTME29
    I hope you weekend brings you some relief. It's interesting how physical pain and metal pain are so closely tied together, how you never really have just one or the other. I hope your work "stuff" gets settled so that will be at least one thing off your plate.
    1835 days ago
    Take care of you.....
    Have an enjoyable weekend and see where next week leads.
    Take it one day at a time and it will all work out in the end.
    Best of luck.
    1835 days ago
  • MRSGOAT9699
    You are right, there are others who care, we are rooting for you as we are for ourselves! Hang in there! emoticon
    1835 days ago
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