Thursday, February 14, 2013
My choices, my downfalls, my attitude, my spirit, my desires, my hopes, and my dreams...they are all about me.
All of it leads in one direction...my ultimate goal in life is to lose this weight. In order to do so I first have to realize that it's all about me. I have to setup the plans, accept the outcome of all of my choices, and work really hard to do it.
The good news is that I can have fun while doing it. It doesn't have to be a burden for me to reach my goals. There is going to be so much to be excited about along the way. That's how I see it anyway.
On another note: Today my sister is struggling with her bipolar disorder. I can always tell when she stops taking her meds and today she has fallen deep into complete mania and is out of control. I have said what I can to try to help. At this point I have to remember that I still have my life to live. I can't fix her, she has to fix herself, just like I have to fix myself. So, you see...it is all about me. The moment I give my life away to others (even my sister...and it kills me to see her go through this) that's when I lose my focus and forget that I have my own dreams and desires.
The moment I give her my all is the moment that my own mind starts to wander out of reality. I start to fall into depression, which then drives me to throw in the towel on my goals and my desires. It's too much of a burden for me to do alone. I'm 8 years younger than her and it is so hard for me to be the "adult." Her husband is way too passive and in all reality, there is no one else that can get into her mind like I can. For the last few weeks I have tried and tried and tried. I've given it my best and I don't know what else to do. I know it is time for me to step back...for my own sanity.
So, even though it hurts my heart so bad to not be there until she FINALLY accepts going back to her doctor, I will be keeping my distance. The only way I can help is to continue to help myself. It's time for me to detach from that and let her consequences be hers...just like my consequences are mine.