Whew - be warned, this is a get-it-off-my-chest post
Thursday, February 14, 2013
So this week has not been one for the record books. Neither was last week. Or the one before that.
Weirdly, my weight is ok, which just goes to show you how little the scale actually reflects behaviors. My behaviors have been wildly out of control though. I'm probably on-plan with food about 50% of the time. And I get about 1/3 of my planned workouts in. I'm also making irresponsible choices about work and skipping out on social events. And I'm sleeping like it's a second job - somedays, it's 14 hours of sleep. Which I don't really need - I just lay in bed and force myself to go back to sleep. I'm being weirdly petulant in my own mind, and I'm watching myself to try not to act like a pouting toddler to people in real life. You know, cuz that would be weird.
So yeah, all of that sounds like depression. It's the same funk I've been in for the past year and a half. I sometimes feel better and sometimes much worse, but generally I feel like I've been living under a damper. I'm definitely not being the best version of myself.
In the past, I've approached this with medication and therapy...but it never feels like those things ever get me out of the doldrums. I mean, medication was a literal lifesaver once and back when I had wicked panic attacks, Xanex was the only reason I could function some days...but they don't SOLVE this problem. They are tools that I've used, but they honestly don't feel like they were super effective last summer when I was on some prozac and meeting with a counselor every week. I quit both and didn't feel any different, but was glad to have more money in my pocket and to not have to find a time each week to meet with someone who I didn't really like anyway.
I know what I need to do in a broad sense - I need to redesign my life. I need to shake things up and stop just doing things the same old way. One of the ways I AM doing that is through workouts and sports. I turned myself into the type of person who likes to workout, not someone who suffers through it in order to burn calories. That was a redesign for sure. And I'm slowly turning myself into someone who actually likes eating healthy foods and who no longer actually wants a plate of chicken alfredo. (Ugh, it sounds so heavy. And carby. I mean, it might taste good for a minute, but it'll make me feel awful. And being the kind of person who says that is a Big Change.) I'm also getting MUCH better at not talking sh!t to myself. I am putting all this out here, but I don't feel the need to say, "I'm disgusting - look at how awful I am." or "I'm going to quit SP because I'm so awful that no one should have to see what I'm doing to myself." This is something I'm doing or something that is happening....it's not WHO I AM. Sometimes that's hard to remember, but I'm getting wayyyyyyyy better at healthy self-talk stuff.
But there are other parts of my life that are stagnating right now. My relationship. My career. My living arrangement (I want out of the suburbs so so so so bad.) My friendships. And school - holy hell, I want to be done with this. I hate it so much right now. My rowing and participation on the team. I want to shake these things up...but I can't right now. I need to finish school. And until I'm done with that, I can't really switch jobs. And I don't have time to work on fixing up the house to sell it and get the hell outta dodge because I need to be focused on working out, my job, and (UGH) school. And when I do have time? I need to spend it with hubs trying to repair our relationship - which, for him, means going out and recreating (snowboarding trips when I'd rather spend the time and money on the house so we can move, date night trips every Fri, Sat & Sun rather than getting my homework done, etc).
I feel like sometimes I'm silently disintegrating internally from all of this frustration and stagnation...and I don't have anyone to tell because anyone who cares would just be worried or would try to cheer me up (for unknown reasons, that makes me feel hellaworse). So I typed it here.
And I feel lighter. I feel better. I feel more focused.
So I need to get back to work. And school. And fixing up the house. Oh, and planning date night.
But I'm doing it with a lighter heart just for having spewed this all here. It's probably not healthy to purge, but it feels really good right now.
Member Comments About This Blog Post
thanks again for the wonderful post and your honesty. its been nearly a month since you posted. i hope that you are doing ok!
1563 days ago
I'm glad to hear that the venting made you feel better and hope that you "funk" ends soon. Also glad to read that you are getting better with the positive self-talk. I initially felt silly/resentful doing this, but have come to realize that it is one of the most important things I can do to slow down and reframe thoughts and situations and my reaction to them.
Also, here's to the end of winter, which has felt like forever here at our house...
1570 days ago
Stagnation! Is it just the lack of vitamin D that does this to us? It always seems to be the Winter months that are hardest.
It has taken me this long to read your blogs after you posted on mine and I'm sorry it's taken me so long!! I can relate to so much of what you write.
Hubby and I also feel stuck right now. I keep wondering if this is our life now - is this it? In fact, I just don't seem to have the energy to get myself out of the rut and into something else......I'm not really sure what the something else is. And I wonder if I just need to sort my head out instead of change the way our lives look.
Anyway - keep blogging. It really does help.
1582 days ago
Oh man, I have been there, in all of those places, sometimes all at once and sometimes one right after the other. And yeah, it's totally healthy to purge. Like you said, you don't feel like you can do it with anyone who cares but you know your Spark community cares, even if we are mostly strangers... so purge away!
1585 days ago
I believe in the soul freeing benefits of a good written purge. Venting is good the the soul and is only problematic when all you do is whine and take no action.
We have a saying in my house hold, "Bitc!, take a drink, move on!"
It can be very frustrating to feel stagnate and trapped in life. The most important thing I can suggest is to star with the little things first. Take control of those things that you know you can change. Build on that. Positive change in empowering. The weight of the little things adds up and the more of those you get cleared off your plate the more empowered you will be to start chipping away at the bigger ones!
It sounds like you have already made some of the most important changes but improving the way you look at yourself and you life! You strong, and lets face it, pretty darn awesome!
1585 days ago
Has a few ideas for date nights on a budget... or some ideas you could tweak at least!
Also has some cute ideas for dates...
And just remember to take a few moments to breathe despite your hectic schedule!
You can do it!
And venting is perfectly acceptable!
1586 days ago
Wow, you have a lot on your plate. I don't think that I could deal adequately with everything at once. Can you prioritze and get even a partial solution so that a bit of the pressure is taken away?
1586 days ago
Its always good to release negative engery i'm the same way I hold on to things for so long and than i exploed and nobody knows what i'm talking about because it happend years ago or months or weeks or days ago. Work on it as much as possible its just not easy. But venting is good.
1587 days ago
Re-reading that I realize I sound like some old fogey giving advice to you young whipper-snapper.
I'll shut up now...........
1588 days ago
I hate the suburbs too! I moved out and the thought of ever moving back makes me nauseous.
Can you sit down and talk to your hubby about all this? You can't be spending your money on ski trips when you need to fix your house. Maybe you two can come up with a plan/budget together? Life as a married couple is (unfortunately) not all about vacations, drinking and fun. It's also about mundane things like repairing the house.
I went through a similar period with my husband at the beginning. I don't know how long you've been married, but I think most couples go through something similar.
1588 days ago
Sometimes we just neeed to scream and vent at the world.
And then back to living our lives.
Sometimes you feel stuck. And hopefully all the venting helps you get unstuck.
1589 days ago
That is great that you're getting better at healthy self-talk!
I can relate about feeling unsatisfied with the therapy and medication...at certain points I think it helped, but overall there was not a huge difference (except, as you said, more time and money) for me either.
I think this is a good place to vent!
1589 days ago
Babe...if we don't get that stuff out, it becomes poison...glad you did.
1589 days ago
Sometimes feeling lighter post verbal purge is very helpful, I know the feeling.
1589 days ago
Sometimes we need to vent
1589 days ago
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