Thursday, February 14, 2013
So this week has not been one for the record books. Neither was last week. Or the one before that.
Weirdly, my weight is ok, which just goes to show you how little the scale actually reflects behaviors. My behaviors have been wildly out of control though. I'm probably on-plan with food about 50% of the time. And I get about 1/3 of my planned workouts in. I'm also making irresponsible choices about work and skipping out on social events. And I'm sleeping like it's a second job - somedays, it's 14 hours of sleep. Which I don't really need - I just lay in bed and force myself to go back to sleep. I'm being weirdly petulant in my own mind, and I'm watching myself to try not to act like a pouting toddler to people in real life. You know, cuz that would be weird.
So yeah, all of that sounds like depression. It's the same funk I've been in for the past year and a half. I sometimes feel better and sometimes much worse, but generally I feel like I've been living under a damper. I'm definitely not being the best version of myself.
In the past, I've approached this with medication and therapy...but it never feels like those things ever get me out of the doldrums. I mean, medication was a literal lifesaver once and back when I had wicked panic attacks, Xanex was the only reason I could function some days...but they don't SOLVE this problem. They are tools that I've used, but they honestly don't feel like they were super effective last summer when I was on some prozac and meeting with a counselor every week. I quit both and didn't feel any different, but was glad to have more money in my pocket and to not have to find a time each week to meet with someone who I didn't really like anyway.
I know what I need to do in a broad sense - I need to redesign my life. I need to shake things up and stop just doing things the same old way. One of the ways I AM doing that is through workouts and sports. I turned myself into the type of person who likes to workout, not someone who suffers through it in order to burn calories. That was a redesign for sure. And I'm slowly turning myself into someone who actually likes eating healthy foods and who no longer actually wants a plate of chicken alfredo. (Ugh, it sounds so heavy. And carby. I mean, it might taste good for a minute, but it'll make me feel awful. And being the kind of person who says that is a Big Change.) I'm also getting MUCH better at not talking sh!t to myself. I am putting all this out here, but I don't feel the need to say, "I'm disgusting - look at how awful I am." or "I'm going to quit SP because I'm so awful that no one should have to see what I'm doing to myself." This is something I'm doing or something that is happening....it's not WHO I AM. Sometimes that's hard to remember, but I'm getting wayyyyyyyy better at healthy self-talk stuff.
But there are other parts of my life that are stagnating right now. My relationship. My career. My living arrangement (I want out of the suburbs so so so so bad.) My friendships. And school - holy hell, I want to be done with this. I hate it so much right now. My rowing and participation on the team. I want to shake these things up...but I can't right now. I need to finish school. And until I'm done with that, I can't really switch jobs. And I don't have time to work on fixing up the house to sell it and get the hell outta dodge because I need to be focused on working out, my job, and (UGH) school. And when I do have time? I need to spend it with hubs trying to repair our relationship - which, for him, means going out and recreating (snowboarding trips when I'd rather spend the time and money on the house so we can move, date night trips every Fri, Sat & Sun rather than getting my homework done, etc).
I feel like sometimes I'm silently disintegrating internally from all of this frustration and stagnation...and I don't have anyone to tell because anyone who cares would just be worried or would try to cheer me up (for unknown reasons, that makes me feel hellaworse). So I typed it here.
And I feel lighter. I feel better. I feel more focused.
So I need to get back to work. And school. And fixing up the house. Oh, and planning date night.
But I'm doing it with a lighter heart just for having spewed this all here. It's probably not healthy to purge, but it feels really good right now.