***REWIND: More Confident Fat***
Thursday, February 14, 2013
I know so many of you can relate to this comment. As I reread my past blogs, this one taken from March of 2011 really resonated with me today. It also reminded me of how far I have come as a person. I no longer equate my worth with my weight. That wasn't always the case:
***Blog post March 9, 2011***
I just realized that I was more confident, more self-assured, more aware of who I was as a person when I was 255 pounds. At that weight, I knew I was morbidly obese and I knew what people's expectations and thoughts of me were from the get go so I never had to worry about not meeting their expectations; no one expected anything of the fat girl. So If I worked out at all everyone was proud of me because they couldn't believe I made it to the gym. I always got compliments on my appearance because people assumed someone my size would be sloppy and smelly (by the way, 90% of overweight women take better care of their hygeine than skinny people simply because of this reason). Now that I have dropped from 270 pounds to roughly 228, I am constantly second guessing myself. I actually worry about whether an outfit makes me look fat. Before I was just fat with or without the outfit's help. I am constantly looking in the mirror judging myself, looking for areas of bulge that I can attack in the gym. I am never satisfied!
When I was a size 22 I would pray to my Lord, "GOD please just get me to a size 16. That's all I want." I am a solid size 16 today and I am unhappy. Unsatisfied. Unfullfilled. When I started this journey on Spark I made the common remark of "I don't care what the scale says, I just want to be healthy." That is such a lie. I care more about what the scale says then about what my boyfriend says, my bestfriend says, or my doctor says. As a matter of fact, I went in for my annual exam. My doc walks in and gasps, "Oh my gosh girl, you look awesome. You have lost weight!" My response, "Yeah, I still have at minimum 30 more to lose but 55 ultimately." No "thank you's" no "I am working hard" no acknowledgment of how far I have come. I only focused on how much more I have to go.
I wish I could take a pill that would wake me up to the beauty of myself. Not just physically. I can honestly say that I work hard to be a good person. I am judgemental and can be mean-spirited just like everyone else. But through my struggles I have learned to keep those judgments to myself (unless they are about me) and to provide spiritual support and insight to others. I am so good at picking up everyone else but I have forgotten how to leverage me.