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    NIKKICOLE83   18,080
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15,000-19,999 SparkPoints
 
 
***REWIND: More Confident Fat***

Thursday, February 14, 2013

I know so many of you can relate to this comment. As I reread my past blogs, this one taken from March of 2011 really resonated with me today. It also reminded me of how far I have come as a person. I no longer equate my worth with my weight. That wasn't always the case:

***Blog post March 9, 2011***

I just realized that I was more confident, more self-assured, more aware of who I was as a person when I was 255 pounds. At that weight, I knew I was morbidly obese and I knew what people's expectations and thoughts of me were from the get go so I never had to worry about not meeting their expectations; no one expected anything of the fat girl. So If I worked out at all everyone was proud of me because they couldn't believe I made it to the gym. I always got compliments on my appearance because people assumed someone my size would be sloppy and smelly (by the way, 90% of overweight women take better care of their hygeine than skinny people simply because of this reason). Now that I have dropped from 270 pounds to roughly 228, I am constantly second guessing myself. I actually worry about whether an outfit makes me look fat. Before I was just fat with or without the outfit's help. I am constantly looking in the mirror judging myself, looking for areas of bulge that I can attack in the gym. I am never satisfied!

When I was a size 22 I would pray to my Lord, "GOD please just get me to a size 16. That's all I want." I am a solid size 16 today and I am unhappy. Unsatisfied. Unfullfilled. When I started this journey on Spark I made the common remark of "I don't care what the scale says, I just want to be healthy." That is such a lie. I care more about what the scale says then about what my boyfriend says, my bestfriend says, or my doctor says. As a matter of fact, I went in for my annual exam. My doc walks in and gasps, "Oh my gosh girl, you look awesome. You have lost weight!" My response, "Yeah, I still have at minimum 30 more to lose but 55 ultimately." No "thank you's" no "I am working hard" no acknowledgment of how far I have come. I only focused on how much more I have to go.

I wish I could take a pill that would wake me up to the beauty of myself. Not just physically. I can honestly say that I work hard to be a good person. I am judgemental and can be mean-spirited just like everyone else. But through my struggles I have learned to keep those judgments to myself (unless they are about me) and to provide spiritual support and insight to others. I am so good at picking up everyone else but I have forgotten how to leverage me.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LILSHINE 2/21/2013 10:51AM

    I'm late but as I read the old blog, I'm like - that's not the Nikki I know. Oh yes, you have definitely overcome this obstacle and still moving forward.

I reread and delete my old blogs every now and then as well. I keep those with milestones and positives. It works to keep me moving forward.

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JENNY160 2/16/2013 3:48PM

    Good for you for seeing that you were judging yourself and not acknowledging your accomplishments. I'm so glad you are evolving into a naturally-smaller person instead of a bigger person in a smaller body. The mind-set is completely different. And healthier.

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1DERLAND14 2/16/2013 3:16AM

    You are beautiful inside and out! You need to get to the bottom of what's causing you to focus so much on a number. Just take it one day at a time girl. You are such a STRONG and amazing person. I am so glad I've been able to 'get to know you' even if it is only through spark! I know you will find your way and continue to SHINE like you always have.
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EUEK098 2/14/2013 6:35PM

    I know how you feel Nikki, I know there's a difference between now and where I was before, but am fixated on where I need to be and what my body needs to look like. Ultimately I tell myself to take it a day at a time.

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BRENNA84 2/14/2013 3:46PM

    i just take my mom's advise - shut up and say thank you hehe

and it works. i no longer respond to a compliment with a but, or a complaint. I thank them and most of the time, I think they're right too :)

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NASFKAB 2/14/2013 1:33PM

  great

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