I just read ~IndyGirl's blog from yesterday (see it here www.sparkpeople.com/mypa
and it resonated with me a little bit.
I don't know that I've ever hated myself, although I don't recall everything I used to do and think about in my junior high years. My feelings about myself are usually more on the "resigned" side. I get disappointed in myself for things I haven't done. It's not because I couldn't do them, it's because I'm sure I couldn't do them. Do you see the difference?
I'm also resigned because I gained 0.8 pound from yesterday. I know, it's not even a pound, but still it's a higher number. I understand that some people choose to ignore the scale and concentrate on how they feel and how their clothes fit and how they look. But I'm not one of those people. I also don't agonize over my scale numbers, but rather use them as motivation to try again. Usually.
When I get really maudlin in my mind, I wonder why my DH and DD even like me the way I am. I am fat. I don't like that, I don't like even thinking that, but it's true. So why DO they like me? I'm sure I'm an embarrassment to them. How can I not be?
I want nothing more than to think enough of myself to be determined and strong enough to move forward to where I ought to be. I want to show them I can be better at everything I do, including losing weight. I can be a better person, more considerate, more accepting, less critical, less doubtful.
Technically, I know I can do this. Practically, I'll always find reasons not to. Mentally, I can be my greatest cheerleader and my worst enemy. Physically, I want to be active enough that I can feel proud of myself when I've finished a walk with Leslie Sansone or a session with Coach Nicole or a trek on our treadmill or around our neighborhood.
And yet, I continue to hold out hope that I can change, before it's too late to make much difference.~IndyGirl and her blogs slowly are helping me realize that I am worth it, no matter when I start, what I do first, where I go. So on this Valentine's Day, I am heartened to understand that my wish for a better me, in whatever shape that becomes, is absolutely-positively-no-doubt