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The scale makes me hate me

Thursday, February 14, 2013

I work my tail off - I go to Crossfit, I watch what I eat, I take the stairs and not the elevator (usually), I park further away, I don't drink soda, I work out 3-5 times per week, then after a week or 2 I hop on the scale and the darn thing hasn't budged, or worse moved UP! I am sure there are many people who can relate to my frustrations. And these are things I just don't get! How come the weight won't come off?

I've done everything that people say to do. Exercise VERY INTENSELY twice a week at my Crossfit box, then 3 other trips to my regular gym to work on cardio and some other strength workouts, I eat healthy - my Crossfit trainers tell me to eat paleo - and it's a GREAT lifestyle, but it's so hard for me. I love my grains! Other diets say eat grains in moderation, so I eat grains in moderation and my crossfit trainer tells me he can tell I'm not eating paleo b/c I'm not losing weight (he's not doing it to be mean, I've sought his help and guidance out and told him to even "kick me in the butt" when I need it). I log my food in my food journal and my exercise in my online journal as well as in my Crossfit book - heck, last week I deadlifted 250 lbs! The week before that I ran 100 meters - 3 times (short 1-minute breaks in between) carrying a 50 lbs sandbag on my back! I get 7-8 hours of sleep every night, I eat fresh fruit and veggies, I don't fry anything...

Then, I step on the scale. No movement, or sometimes it fluctuates UP! And I think, what in the world?! I only drink 1-2 cups of black coffee per day and tons of water, I seldom drink alcohol? What in the world is it going to take?

Then it comes. Self hate. Feelings of failure. Giving up. What's the point? No matter what I do, I will always be fat. When I tell people I do Crossfit they look at me like I'm insane, I know they're wondering how a big fatty like me can do it. And then I stop. I eat like garbage, I lay around after work, make excuses not to go to the gym or to Crossfit and then hate myself even more.

I really just wish I knew how to make this vicious circle stop. I LOVE how I feel when I work out everyday. I love reading and trying recipes from "Everyday Paleo" I love hitting milestones at my Crossfit box (what we call gym), I love that my fingernails get stronger and my hair looks better. I love that I sleep better, my mood is better. I am happier. So I just want to stop the circle....

I have quit smoking after more than 16 years of nearly a pack a day smoking (minus when I was pregnant), and that's been a struggle, I'm not even going to lie - the weekend and Monday I was like a garbage disposal for the worst candy and ice cream and fast food - McDonalds, Burger King, my favorite 50s Diner - I didn't cook all weekend and I made the worst possible choices. I skipped my regular gym Monday b/c I didn't feel up to a work out and I had some errands to run, including getting Valentine's for my son's classmates...and ME. Then, I ate myself sick. Literally. I was sick all day Tuesday (b/c of the processed, greasy, sugary food overload), so I missed my Tuesday Crossfit class because I was so sick.

I had an appointment to get my car looked at Wednesday after work (which took 2 hours!), then I had to get my son from daycare and run errands, and it was nearly 8pm by the time we got done and we just grabbed sandwiches at the gas station to eat for dinner.

So this week has been a bust brought on by the failures of the stupid scale last Friday when I weighed myself after HARD CORE work for a few weeks and realized that I GAINED 2 lbs! People say "muscle weighs more than fat" and I know that. I do Crossfit, we build muscle, but I have TONS of fat to burn at the same time. I read the motivational articles here on Spark People and they really help .... but I want this vicious circle to stop. I have stop obsessing over the scale, but every few weeks I like to weigh myself and when I see no progress I just get so discouraged. Yes, I know, don't just look at the scale - how are my clothes fitting, how do I feel, etc. And I *KNOW* that, but it doesn't take away the self hatred that I feel when I step on the scale and nothing changes.

I read my past blogs and they're all about me giving up for a prolonged period of time, then I'm back on and enthusiastic, then I fall off the wagon, and on and on and on. Seriously, this has been going on for about 2.5 years. I just want it to stop. I want to take control and KEEP control. I just don't know how to stop the self hatred circle. I'd love any advice or stories that you have, any knowledge that you can share. I want to feel good about me again, not feel like a fat failure who no matter what I do, I will always be a size 18-wide and over 250 lbs.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thanks everyone! Happy to report I didn't binge on any chocolate for Valentine's Day...although I did miss Crossfit for my annual date with my son. We went to ihop and I ate a starchy meal (sirloin steak tips, mashed potatoes, corn and a side salad - but gave my son all my croutons and didn't have any gravy on the potatoes), but I only ate half of it and brought the rest in for lunch today and I'm going to Crossfit this evening and again in the morning and I'm going to get my "drive" back.
    I really do appreciate the encouragement. I really don't have anywhere to turn when discussing my weight loss challenges (my Crossfit family is great but they're all super strong and super muscular and thin - they're very encouraging and great, but I just don't feel comfortable turning to them for this type of support), and my entire family lives half-way across the country so it truly is just my son and I out here, so thank you all so much for taking time out of your lives to offer some advice, encouragement, and support! emoticon
    1862 days ago
    It's extremely frustrating, I get it. When I increased my activity this last time, it took 3 weeks before it was reflected on the scale. TICKED ME OFF and made me feel like it was all a waste of time, but I kept at it and increased my activity a bit more. I walk, I don't do crossfit or go to the gym. After 3 weeks, the scale finally "got with the program" and I have been averaging a 1.5-2lb loss every week for the past 3 weeks.

    I'm reading The Spark and Chris talks about changes going on in our bodies that we don't first see. The changes are there. And they are the foundation on which other changes (changes we will see) are built. I still had a weight loss goal, but rather than focus on that, I focused on something I could control and that was walking 20+ miles a week. I didn't reach that goal the first three weeks, but each week was better than the previous week and I felt accomplished even though the scale didn't move. That feeling of accomplishment drove me to do even better the following week and then the following.

    Now, I'm passing that goal each week and the scale is cooperating. Keep doing what you're doing. The scale will catch up.
    1862 days ago
  • LADYJ6942
    Talk to your trainer about carb backloading. Basically you limit your grains/fruits/starches to the back half of the day. I usually eat healthy fats/protein and veggies only untilf about 3pm and then add the other stuff in. So far after a plateau that's lasted years I'm down nearly 6 lbs in 3 weeks.

    Good luck
    1862 days ago
    the scale is not your answer how you feel about yourself after a workout and how you percieve yourself in the mirrior is you sign the scale is just like money it will never make you truly happy good luck and have a great day
    1862 days ago
    Thanks everyone. I *know* this stuff, it's just hard, and I'm so tired of getting discouraged all the time. I am doing my best (and I'm a bit of a type-A personality) - I take on many, many tasks and expect perfection in each, and when I don't do perfectly, I tend to throw my hands up and give up. I know that's a horrible attitude, but that's why I excel in graduate school, in my current career, parenting, everything. The thing that I can't do right is lose weight. I'm doing my best. I really am. I just want to keep a positive attitude and that's not quite as easy to do when I work and work and work and nothing happens ... but something *is* happening. I am getting stronger and healthier. I just need to stay motivated. Eye on the prize. And know that I'm *worth* it.
    1862 days ago
    Stop weighing yourself. Focus on the non scale victories. Weight is just a number. Health is what matters most, and you know that. You're doing great working out and watching what you eat, just ignore that number. A pound of fat weighs the same as a pound of muscle. Muscle just takes up less space. You can do this!
    1862 days ago
    It is hard. Fat takes longer to come off than muscle does to build. And by building muscle you will burn more fat. Are you sure you are getting enough caolories. Crossfit is an extreme workout and burns tons of calories and if you aren't eating enough your body will hold onto that fat. Experiment with your calories. Eat healthy foods but try and stay near the top of your range or a little above for a week and then weigh yourself again. You may be surprised.
    Keep it up. You will get there.
    1862 days ago
    1862 days ago
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