Thursday, February 14, 2013
I work my tail off - I go to Crossfit, I watch what I eat, I take the stairs and not the elevator (usually), I park further away, I don't drink soda, I work out 3-5 times per week, then after a week or 2 I hop on the scale and the darn thing hasn't budged, or worse moved UP! I am sure there are many people who can relate to my frustrations. And these are things I just don't get! How come the weight won't come off?
I've done everything that people say to do. Exercise VERY INTENSELY twice a week at my Crossfit box, then 3 other trips to my regular gym to work on cardio and some other strength workouts, I eat healthy - my Crossfit trainers tell me to eat paleo - and it's a GREAT lifestyle, but it's so hard for me. I love my grains! Other diets say eat grains in moderation, so I eat grains in moderation and my crossfit trainer tells me he can tell I'm not eating paleo b/c I'm not losing weight (he's not doing it to be mean, I've sought his help and guidance out and told him to even "kick me in the butt" when I need it). I log my food in my food journal and my exercise in my online journal as well as in my Crossfit book - heck, last week I deadlifted 250 lbs! The week before that I ran 100 meters - 3 times (short 1-minute breaks in between) carrying a 50 lbs sandbag on my back! I get 7-8 hours of sleep every night, I eat fresh fruit and veggies, I don't fry anything...
Then, I step on the scale. No movement, or sometimes it fluctuates UP! And I think, what in the world?! I only drink 1-2 cups of black coffee per day and tons of water, I seldom drink alcohol? What in the world is it going to take?
Then it comes. Self hate. Feelings of failure. Giving up. What's the point? No matter what I do, I will always be fat. When I tell people I do Crossfit they look at me like I'm insane, I know they're wondering how a big fatty like me can do it. And then I stop. I eat like garbage, I lay around after work, make excuses not to go to the gym or to Crossfit and then hate myself even more.
I really just wish I knew how to make this vicious circle stop. I LOVE how I feel when I work out everyday. I love reading and trying recipes from "Everyday Paleo" I love hitting milestones at my Crossfit box (what we call gym), I love that my fingernails get stronger and my hair looks better. I love that I sleep better, my mood is better. I am happier. So I just want to stop the circle....
I have quit smoking after more than 16 years of nearly a pack a day smoking (minus when I was pregnant), and that's been a struggle, I'm not even going to lie - the weekend and Monday I was like a garbage disposal for the worst candy and ice cream and fast food - McDonalds, Burger King, my favorite 50s Diner - I didn't cook all weekend and I made the worst possible choices. I skipped my regular gym Monday b/c I didn't feel up to a work out and I had some errands to run, including getting Valentine's for my son's classmates...and ME. Then, I ate myself sick. Literally. I was sick all day Tuesday (b/c of the processed, greasy, sugary food overload), so I missed my Tuesday Crossfit class because I was so sick.
I had an appointment to get my car looked at Wednesday after work (which took 2 hours!), then I had to get my son from daycare and run errands, and it was nearly 8pm by the time we got done and we just grabbed sandwiches at the gas station to eat for dinner.
So this week has been a bust brought on by the failures of the stupid scale last Friday when I weighed myself after HARD CORE work for a few weeks and realized that I GAINED 2 lbs! People say "muscle weighs more than fat" and I know that. I do Crossfit, we build muscle, but I have TONS of fat to burn at the same time. I read the motivational articles here on Spark People and they really help .... but I want this vicious circle to stop. I have stop obsessing over the scale, but every few weeks I like to weigh myself and when I see no progress I just get so discouraged. Yes, I know, don't just look at the scale - how are my clothes fitting, how do I feel, etc. And I *KNOW* that, but it doesn't take away the self hatred that I feel when I step on the scale and nothing changes.
I read my past blogs and they're all about me giving up for a prolonged period of time, then I'm back on and enthusiastic, then I fall off the wagon, and on and on and on. Seriously, this has been going on for about 2.5 years. I just want it to stop. I want to take control and KEEP control. I just don't know how to stop the self hatred circle. I'd love any advice or stories that you have, any knowledge that you can share. I want to feel good about me again, not feel like a fat failure who no matter what I do, I will always be a size 18-wide and over 250 lbs.