Thursday, February 14, 2013
Today is supposed to be a love me day but instead it feels like an I really dislike me and upset with me day. Now I know that my emotions get out of wack sometimes and takes a while to get them going in the right direction again but right now I REALLY am having a hard time turning it around.
I truly do love myself and care about me and believe that I am worthy of all the things around me, which is a big step for me in terms of where I was . Its just that some things are bringing me down really fast, so fast I feel like I am falling.
1. I have exercised for nearly 20 days in a row in some capacity or another even if it was just 10 min it was something every single day. My calories I have been in range 80% of the time which was much better than before, where I was not in range almost all the time over. I started the month at 199.4 lbs and this morning for our V-day weigh in I am at 203! What the blank blank blankity is going on! Measurements were no better of an indicator that I am improving almost all the measurements were the same or larger instead of smaller.
2. I have been doing a lot more extra movement such as more cooking involvement, doing stretches at least once an hour, playing with Shorty more. Even with it all muddy outside I am having to carry a 25lb dog to the bathroom, wash his feet and legs, and carry back to the bedroom to dry and brush at least 3 or more times in a day the last 3 days.
3. I have been very agitated the last 4 or 5 days more than usual. I am sick of the no respect that my kids give me. I know that during the time I was really sick I basically gave up my right to have that respect but now that I am on the mends I would like to be treated as a mother, authorative figure and to not be lied to or just bluffed off. I mean I know that parts of it is teenager years but some is blatantly disrespect towards me. Just makes me angry to know that I was that bad of a mother during those times.
4. I am trying very hard to see the positive and continue to try and boost my self esteem, be the board and not the pieces but right now none of that seems to be helping me the way I would like. Therapy has been wonderful for me and I know that its working its just I am hitting one of those bad spots and I donít really know what to do exactly.
5. I have messed up all most all of my streaks that I worked so hard to keep going but nothing seemed to get me to want to do anything the last 3 days so right now I feel like I have failed(even though intellectually I havent, its not helping my emotional state any)
Today is my parents 37th wedding anniversary and I am angry. For one its not a marriage itís a dictatorship that my mother has control over him entirely. I donít really think there is any true love still there. They married on a day that is supposed to be FULL of love and joy and they have neither. I donít really care if I get anything at all for V-day, to me if they love you they ALWAYS love you not just on one day of the year. In fact I prefer not to get anything and just get surprised some other day of the year out of the blue, a true day of spontanious love giving. My mother always took the fun out of giving on V-day anyway, if she didnít get EXACTLY what she said she wanted(and she could have told you 9 months ago but you better remember) she has a fit and a half and says that we really donít love her at all because we didnít listen. I guess that is a major reason why I feel the way I do and is one of the hurddles that still needs to be overcome because in no way should I feel angry over this, they are there and I am here and I have control over me they donít have control over me anymore, but yet I have let them and I am confused as to how not to let this happen or how to actually say I donít care. Some days therapy can be really hard to understand.
I have to say today is one of those days I think of giving up but I never do, I just get off track for a bit, I just hope I donít stay off track to long and get the good feelings to flow again.