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    TURTLESLOW14   39,614
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A day of Love that feels more like Hate

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Today is supposed to be a love me day but instead it feels like an I really dislike me and upset with me day. Now I know that my emotions get out of wack sometimes and takes a while to get them going in the right direction again but right now I REALLY am having a hard time turning it around.

I truly do love myself and care about me and believe that I am worthy of all the things around me, which is a big step for me in terms of where I was . Its just that some things are bringing me down really fast, so fast I feel like I am falling.

1. I have exercised for nearly 20 days in a row in some capacity or another even if it was just 10 min it was something every single day. My calories I have been in range 80% of the time which was much better than before, where I was not in range almost all the time over. I started the month at 199.4 lbs and this morning for our V-day weigh in I am at 203! What the blank blank blankity is going on! Measurements were no better of an indicator that I am improving almost all the measurements were the same or larger instead of smaller.
2. I have been doing a lot more extra movement such as more cooking involvement, doing stretches at least once an hour, playing with Shorty more. Even with it all muddy outside I am having to carry a 25lb dog to the bathroom, wash his feet and legs, and carry back to the bedroom to dry and brush at least 3 or more times in a day the last 3 days.
3. I have been very agitated the last 4 or 5 days more than usual. I am sick of the no respect that my kids give me. I know that during the time I was really sick I basically gave up my right to have that respect but now that I am on the mends I would like to be treated as a mother, authorative figure and to not be lied to or just bluffed off. I mean I know that parts of it is teenager years but some is blatantly disrespect towards me. Just makes me angry to know that I was that bad of a mother during those times.
4. I am trying very hard to see the positive and continue to try and boost my self esteem, be the board and not the pieces but right now none of that seems to be helping me the way I would like. Therapy has been wonderful for me and I know that its working its just I am hitting one of those bad spots and I donít really know what to do exactly.
5. I have messed up all most all of my streaks that I worked so hard to keep going but nothing seemed to get me to want to do anything the last 3 days so right now I feel like I have failed(even though intellectually I havent, its not helping my emotional state any)

Today is my parents 37th wedding anniversary and I am angry. For one its not a marriage itís a dictatorship that my mother has control over him entirely. I donít really think there is any true love still there. They married on a day that is supposed to be FULL of love and joy and they have neither. I donít really care if I get anything at all for V-day, to me if they love you they ALWAYS love you not just on one day of the year. In fact I prefer not to get anything and just get surprised some other day of the year out of the blue, a true day of spontanious love giving. My mother always took the fun out of giving on V-day anyway, if she didnít get EXACTLY what she said she wanted(and she could have told you 9 months ago but you better remember) she has a fit and a half and says that we really donít love her at all because we didnít listen. I guess that is a major reason why I feel the way I do and is one of the hurddles that still needs to be overcome because in no way should I feel angry over this, they are there and I am here and I have control over me they donít have control over me anymore, but yet I have let them and I am confused as to how not to let this happen or how to actually say I donít care. Some days therapy can be really hard to understand.

I have to say today is one of those days I think of giving up but I never do, I just get off track for a bit, I just hope I donít stay off track to long and get the good feelings to flow again.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

2BDYNAMIC 2/15/2013 3:40PM

    I think life is kinda like the ocean .............. Full of ebbs and tides .......... Always moving, undercurrents, dangerous undertow ......... sneaker waves ............ though beautiful and majestic ............... Awesome to look at but have respect for it's power .............. Such is life .............. some days are awesome, and some are just plain difficult. Be your best friend and avoid criticizing ............ as unfortunately, there will always be someone around who will do it FOR you ................. Keep moving and smiling ........... You are never alone .................. emoticon

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CHRISTINASP 2/15/2013 10:40AM

    I'm sorry to hear about the way you're feeling. I hope today is a better day.
I think it's very good that you wrote that list of just what is influencing your mood.

It could be that your body has created new muscle tissue and this is why you are not losing weight. You do seem to be doing very good things for your body.
Your dog must be thankful to you for all this care!
I think that many parents struggle with feeling that their children don't respect them enough. I'm not a parent, but I can imagine that it must be hard to deal with teenagers. They may not appreciate you now but they may look back later and be better able to see who you are. I do tend to think that most mothers do their best, no one or hardly any one is indifferent towards their children. But being a parent just seems hard to me.
I read an earlier blog of yours and I'm wondering if maybe you'd do better setting just one or two streak goals, chosing priorities. That seems to work very well for me right now.


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JUSTLLAMA 2/15/2013 2:27AM

    For your own well-being, I think you need to let go of the animosity you feel towards your mom. I know that's easier said than done, but you need to do it for you. I'm sorry you are having a tough time with things lately. I hope things improve soon!

Hugs to you my friend.

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2004SILVERADO 2/14/2013 4:47PM

    emoticon

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NESARIAN 2/14/2013 2:46PM

    Letting go is so hard to do but hanging on to past hurts only keeps the hurt alive. That said, I have a hard time with letting go also.... hugs to us!

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1EMMA2011 2/14/2013 12:46PM

    Our mothers are alike. I understand what you are saying. It's a lot of stress with children, too, trying to get our own needs met, etc. I'm glad you were able to write it all out here. With your Mom, the lesson may be, to not be like her. You are good enough. Whenever you feel you aren't, remember you are good enough. Please yourself only. You are worth it. You only deserve good things.

emoticon emoticon emoticon





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REFFIE1 2/14/2013 11:11AM

    I would like to give you a piece of advice I have just applied to myself. I always thought a calorie is a calorie. So, instead of a lot of nutritious food I would finish up my calories with sweets like chocolate. I was in range but going nowhere weight wise. I think the type of calories do matter. Try not to do the fast food thing too often maybe limit that type of meal to once a week and up the veggies and protein. Be patient and I think you will see a change. I finally have by cutting out sweets and filling up with vegetable and lean protein. I just have one tablespoon of honey in my tea a day.

Unfortunately, in your mother's case she does not know how to love. But maybe think about how she was raised. Did she have loving parents to learn from? If not, maybe the worst is the best she can do. You are not responsible for having an illness that did not make you the perfect mother. You have spoken of how your kids pitch in with laundry and such. They didn't get the perfect Christmas for a while but coped. They sound like they may be disrespectful at times but their actions speak louder than their words. Their actions tell me they love you. They too as teenagers probably have tons of the usual hormonal emotions swirling around. I know I did when I was that age. Life is not that easy for teens these days and we all know it is complicated for everyone.

Valentine's Day is just a day maybe created by Hallmark. I like it because it gives me an excuse to send out love. However, lots of people ignore it and celebrate other things. Follow your heart today and please, please send out some love to you.. I am sending Valentine love out to you right now. emoticon emoticon

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LOSE4LIFE47 2/14/2013 9:37AM

    emoticon emoticon NEVER, EVER GIVE UP!!

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