Thursday, February 14, 2013
Recently I had a bad day. It started with a sense of hopelessness, sadness, feeling down.
Eating quite a few potato chips seemed like a good idea at the time. Then I was thirsty so had a couple beers. That graduated to eating peanut butter with a spoon. At the time I really did not know what was causing this.
After a good night's sleep I felt a little better. I have been weighing myself daily and noted that I was up 2 1/2 pounds and felt bloated. Yes, too much sodium. But, for me, I have felt that peanut were a reactive food and had been successfully avoiding them until that binge.
This just confirmed it for me and impressed upon me that I really do need to avoid peanuts in any form. Probably best to also avoid potato chips.
But, more importantly, what was the cause.....the emotional trigger? What was I trying to do?
I thought about what I was feeling and what had happened prior to this episode.
I realized that what started it off was that my husband had asked me to lift something that was too heavy for me. This happens occasionally and it is extremely frustrating to me. He just doesn't get it that I am not as strong as he is. In fact, the only real strength I have is in my legs. I did manage to help him lift this thing twice, but it wasn't without me feeling fear about having it fall on me or that it could cause back injury. Fortunately, this job got done without lasting damage to the thing or to me. I realized later how much this angered me and that I interpreted it as a lack of love for me. I also observed that he expressed disgust for me. I don't think he's going to stop asking me to do things like this until I get hurt. I know I cannot get my strength up to his expectations.....it is not humanly possible for me. This is a rather difficult thing that I will need to work through.
Moving on in the analysis......
What flashed into my mind at one point was how my Dad treated me. He had many fine points and in many ways was a wonderful father. But he was not a patient teacher. His idea of teaching me to swim was literally throwing me into the pool. Amazingly enough, I did learn to swim and actually love the water. I was shy at social occasions, and he never understood why I would not immediately make friends and bond with the children of all his friends.
He would just kind of leave me with the kids I didn't know and ignore me while he immediately socialized with the adults. I was kind of "thrown in" to the situation as well.
When people that say they love us don't act in loving ways, it is hurtful. This caused me to feel frightened, angry and even ashamed of who I was. To my way of thinking, because my husband and my Dad did not act in ways that honored and protected me as an individual, they were being insensitive at best, in a way unintentionally abusive. I really don't think this is exaggerating. I have had friends get injured when their husbands had them to do tasks they were not physically capable of. I have known kids to be traumatized by water when they were not introduced gently. ( I do realize that someone reading this may be dealing with abuse issues so significant that my issues may seem very minor. If you are one of these people, my heart goes out to you. )
I did spend quite a bit of time processing some additional thoughts about both my Dad's behavior and similar things in my husband's behavior that are also a problem......
avoiding contact, avoiding conversation, distancing, lack of warmth.
My Dad has passed on. I did have a conversation with my husband and got across quite a few points about working on our relationship. I am working on how to get across the idea that I don't have the strength of a man! So far, rational explanations, firm protesting, and refusal doesn't work. If I refuse, he just tries to do things all by himself and then I worry he'll get injured (which would cause me to blame myself and feel extreme guilt).
I really do feel that binges can be caused by two things (maybe more):
1) Specific foods that, for whatever reason, are triggers for us
2) Unsettled emotions that are manifesting themselves. I believe that these feelings can be felt, understood, processed and dealt with in a positive manner besides stuffing ourselves with food.