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    BLVINBUTTERFLYS   27,795
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...unworthy? HELP PLEASE!


Thursday, February 14, 2013

Hi Spark Friends!

I have been having some things on my mind lately...

After taking off 160 lbs a year ago, I had a very bad year in 2012, a lot of personal issues...

Separated from my husband, then got back together, then separated again, then complicated things with my best friend, he confused me by moving in on me while I was still trying to figure out things between me and my husband. Took advantage of me while I was vulnerable, and that made things even more complicated. Then just when I thought things were going to get better with my marriage, I lost my job, my husband lost his, then we lost our house, had to uproot our son and move back into a house where I was abused greatly by my father-in-law 3 years before. We only moved back in because we had no where else to go.

Now I know many people have problems, and I am not saying mine are all that, but I did lose sight of my goals. Lost sight of how good I felt, how happy I was, how much at peace, how confident I was.

Then I found myself angry... at everyone, and I would blow up at everyone all the time. I couldn't control my emotions, my feelings, nor my eating.

I gained back 25 lbs.

I HAVE managed to turn some things around... it's not all so bleak anymore. I was determined to make 2013 better. I figured if we cold not find jobs, we would make them ourselves, so I started my own business, and we're doing fairly well.

Things between my husband and I are still just a bit rocky, but we are working together, and he is so NOT the person who used me, abused me, and neglected me for so long. He is tender and kind and attentive most of the time, and he tries so hard all the time to continue to make changes to the bad things, as do I.

So... I am just getting back to wanting to get things right again. I feel like I am ready to work and get the rest of this weight off.

THEN it hits me...
I feel...
almost...
unworthy?

I stopped doing what was working.
I stopped being happy.
I stopped loving myself.
I feel lost again.

I don't understand now why I just can't seem to find that which I had before, that spark, that drive. I read what I wrote a year ago, 2 years ago and I know I have come so far. I was looking for a picture today and come across summer pictures from 2 years ago... me in a bathing suit, and I was like OMG, was I THAT big?

I know how it feels to work it, to feel good, to know that joy and happiness. To feel that success and look in the mirror and see that smile, but I keep pushing and I just can't seem to grasp it again.

I try really hard, I feel like I want it bad. I get up every morning and I think, ok today I am going to do this! Then it happens again... I eat McDonalds, or have an ice cream from DQ. I just throw the day away.

I just don't find it, and I don't know why. I am trying the good ol' fail-safe "fake it till you make it" But I can't even seem to fake it either.

My husband even joined the gym with me. Which was great! I was terrified that first day, walking in there, me and my 313 lbs. among all those teen age kids and fit people. I felt like everyone in the place looked at me when I walked in. But I swallowed my fear and I went in, held my head high like I belonged there just as much as they did and had a great time working out with my husband. We had a good workout!

Then we had a very bad day the next day, we fought most of the day, and on into the night. Eating plan out the window, did not go to the gym... Then today I felt like, who cares...

BUT I know I do! Why do I keep doing this?

I know, I know... I just said can't like 5 times or more, and I hate that word with a passion.

I don't know how to snap out of this, not sure how to even begin. I have tried what worked before, but I am not the weak person I was before... so maybe those same things aren't working because of that?

Suggestions are appreciated so much!

emoticon
Kat

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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
PATTYR81 2/17/2013 1:08PM

    THANKS for sharing!

Reaching out for support helps all of us.

Please know that you are MORE than worthy and you are stronger than you realize.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

Patty

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BLVINBUTTERFLYS 2/17/2013 11:56AM

    Thank you to everyone who gave their advice and encouragement, you helped me out more than you will ever know!

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TWNOMWE 2/15/2013 3:25PM

    Moving back to place where you were un happy can do a lot to any one. If you are able find a friend you trust and just talk an go for a walk together.
You are worthy lady and do not forget it. emoticon emoticon

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MAIZEY 2/14/2013 11:29PM

    You are worthy! Be gentle on yourself. Look at how many difficult things you have faced and still you are planning, starting a business and doing what you can. You are clearly a strong person and you can do this!

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TOPS-TORTOISE 2/14/2013 10:55AM

    You are worthy! Don't even let yourself go there. Keep your focus on what is positive instead of negative. Think about the progress you've made so far. Losing 160 pounds is amazing. You've come too far to give up now. You're making moves in the right direction again. You already know what you need to do. You've done it to lose as much as you have. Put your goal to be a healthier you first, and don't let anything like anger, frustration, sadness, or discouragement get in your way. Find other positive ways to deal with those feelings rather than turning to food for comfort. Hang in there. You will be alright. Hey, this is a good pep talk for me too. :)

emoticon emoticon



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NEELIXNKES 2/14/2013 10:40AM

    emoticon I haven't had near as much stress as you over the past year but I've had some and now dealing with the repounding. You can do this. Don't beat yourself up for a meal or day off place just start again. I think right now the fake it until we make it strategy is a good one. Hang in there. You will find your groove again.

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LIVELIFELONGER 2/14/2013 9:42AM

    The fact you are blogging your feelings and putting yourself out there is an accomplishment all in itself. I read something from Spark yesterday that I find is true. If it was as easy as calories in and calories out then none of us would be here on Spark. We are here because of other issues in our lives. We all use food for different reasons to cope with life in itself. We just need to figure out how to deal with our problems without using food. Which I still find to be a challenging thing to do. I also have done the fake it to you make it approach and I feel like "for the moment "I am back to making it. I've gone through the and probably will again, " I don't care anymore" feelings even though deep down I really do and then at some point I get right back up. I feel we will not be failures as long as we don't give up. We are going to have bad days but as long as we keep fighting the fight we will always be a winner. I don't even know you, but I know one thing and that is YOU ARE WORTHY!! If there is someone or more that are making you feel that way, then you need to do everything in your power to cut them out of your lives. If you feel this is just your self negative talk then you need to reprogram your thoughts and love yourself like you want to be loved. I've heard many times that in order for others to love us, we have to love ourselves first. Yep I know easy said than done, but as long as you keep doing things to better yourself and reminding yourself how worthy and loveable you are then you will stop faking it and you will actually be Making it. Trust me, I am working on this myself.

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PATTYKLAVER 2/14/2013 7:56AM

    Your life has been turned upside down. It's easy to lose your way when that happens. But you are working at getting it back. You've started a business - that's quite an accomplishment. Start with knowing that and go from there. Maybe find a professional that you can talk to or a support group. You can do this!

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MIGHTYN11 2/14/2013 7:53AM

    it's hard sometimes to get back up when my Father passed almost two years ago everything just fell apart. I had to get therapy & still do plus I take antidepressants. It's always something! Like what Rosanna Rosanna Danna says on snl. You gotta go on - and your doing just that you started a job (you gotta be strong & brave for that) & your working on your body image. Your not that overweight, I've gained some pounds too since my Dad passed, but where here & getting skinny. Sometimes getting a dog helps!
hope that helps too.

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WUBIKINS 2/14/2013 3:04AM

    I'm glad you're blogging for support. A lot of changes at one time can be hard to adjust to and leave you in a funk. Maybe there is a support person (a friend or family member) that you can talk to about this and ask them to be a positive support person for you.

Hope this helped!
Cassie

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