Hi Spark Friends!

I have been having some things on my mind lately...

After taking off 160 lbs a year ago, I had a very bad year in 2012, a lot of personal issues...

Separated from my husband, then got back together, then separated again, then complicated things with my best friend, he confused me by moving in on me while I was still trying to figure out things between me and my husband. Took advantage of me while I was vulnerable, and that made things even more complicated. Then just when I thought things were going to get better with my marriage, I lost my job, my husband lost his, then we lost our house, had to uproot our son and move back into a house where I was abused greatly by my father-in-law 3 years before. We only moved back in because we had no where else to go.

Now I know many people have problems, and I am not saying mine are all that, but I did lose sight of my goals. Lost sight of how good I felt, how happy I was, how much at peace, how confident I was.

Then I found myself angry... at everyone, and I would blow up at everyone all the time. I couldn't control my emotions, my feelings, nor my eating.

I gained back 25 lbs.

I HAVE managed to turn some things around... it's not all so bleak anymore. I was determined to make 2013 better. I figured if we cold not find jobs, we would make them ourselves, so I started my own business, and we're doing fairly well.

Things between my husband and I are still just a bit rocky, but we are working together, and he is so NOT the person who used me, abused me, and neglected me for so long. He is tender and kind and attentive most of the time, and he tries so hard all the time to continue to make changes to the bad things, as do I.

So... I am just getting back to wanting to get things right again. I feel like I am ready to work and get the rest of this weight off.

THEN it hits me...
I feel...
almost...
unworthy?

I stopped doing what was working.
I stopped being happy.
I stopped loving myself.
I feel lost again.

I don't understand now why I just can't seem to find that which I had before, that spark, that drive. I read what I wrote a year ago, 2 years ago and I know I have come so far. I was looking for a picture today and come across summer pictures from 2 years ago... me in a bathing suit, and I was like OMG, was I THAT big?

I know how it feels to work it, to feel good, to know that joy and happiness. To feel that success and look in the mirror and see that smile, but I keep pushing and I just can't seem to grasp it again.

I try really hard, I feel like I want it bad. I get up every morning and I think, ok today I am going to do this! Then it happens again... I eat McDonalds, or have an ice cream from DQ. I just throw the day away.

I just don't find it, and I don't know why. I am trying the good ol' fail-safe "fake it till you make it" But I can't even seem to fake it either.

My husband even joined the gym with me. Which was great! I was terrified that first day, walking in there, me and my 313 lbs. among all those teen age kids and fit people. I felt like everyone in the place looked at me when I walked in. But I swallowed my fear and I went in, held my head high like I belonged there just as much as they did and had a great time working out with my husband. We had a good workout!

Then we had a very bad day the next day, we fought most of the day, and on into the night. Eating plan out the window, did not go to the gym... Then today I felt like, who cares...

BUT I know I do! Why do I keep doing this?

I know, I know... I just said can't like 5 times or more, and I hate that word with a passion.

I don't know how to snap out of this, not sure how to even begin. I have tried what worked before, but I am not the weak person I was before... so maybe those same things aren't working because of that?

Suggestions are appreciated so much!


Kat