Wednesday, February 13, 2013
It has been a hard week for me this week, or I guess just these last few days. Iím not an over-indulger, I just donít watch what I eat very well then and it comes back to haunt me later. Iíve never just sat down and ate a whole half gallon of ben and jerryís. My biggest problem is getting depressed, I tend to over think everything and portray to the outside world what I think they wish to hear, even if itís not what I am really thinking or feeling at the time. Itís mostly my hopes that I donít share not because of fear of rejection but that I donít think it is what they want to hear. Itís never been hard for me to accept that I hurt myself so that I donít hurt others. But tonight was by far the farthest I have pushed the limit of that, with that being said I want to talk about hope, not just for the future but for every moment of life. I canít count how many times I have told people that I have given up hope, even when I know that I havenít, because I donít want them to worry about my hopes. I donít want to be the person to bring them down to my level. I didnít want their hopes to get mixed in with mine and that all they would want is what I want. But thatís exactly what I do I find out their hopes and then I want to help them reach them anyway I can, even if it means I sacrifice what I want most. I started to lose weight not for myself but because I wanted to be with this one person so bad, I just wanted him to want me back, and yet tonight I found myself telling him that I gave up hope of it happening. But deep down the honest truth is I still want that but I donít want him to get bogged down in my wants and hopes and dreams for the future. Even though I am doing this for myself now, I know in the back of my mind that I wish that one day he would find that my outward appearance is enough that he will want me in return. And even though I donít always think that will come itís something I fear I will always hope and wish for.
** sorry I just needed somewhere to let out what I was feeling